Lee's Moist Balls

So first I must apologize (whether or not it's too late) for my extended absence here in Blogsville. Sometime around Sinatra week I decided to pick up and cruise to Vegas in order to capture the spirit of the real Frank (who would obviously not be caught dead watching reality television - especially Idol season 9). It was a weekend filled with dirty sex, copious drug use complimentary ice cream and rampant unchecked alcohol consumption. Basically I was blacked out for three days straight.
When I finally came to I realized that I had missed like, two whole weeks of AI! The fact that I was neither bummed nor worried is a testament to the shitty nature of this season and a reminder of why we are over it and ready to move on (like warrior-poet, Simon Cowell).
Never fear though, I'm back and ready to finish the blog and the season out strong! Let's tale a look at the shitty top 3, who were as underwhelming as ever last night whilst fighting it out for the two remaining spots.

Casey
Round 1 - some bullshit I've never heard of
This song was the balls. He sang it alright but it was the opitome of boring and forgettable. Way to blow it, Casey.

Round 2 - some John Mayer song I don't care about
Like all John Mayer songs, this would have been appropriate as the soundtrack to a date rape.

Bowersox
Round 1 - Some lesbian shit
Probably the most obvious song choice ever as Bowersox wants desperately to be Melissa Ethridge. Therefore, kinda boring.

Round 2 - some genderbending Paul McCartney bologna
She rocked out but it was distracting that she was referring to herself as a man in almost every lyric. Way to push the lesbian agenda, Ellen.

Lee
Round 1 - some racist southern rock bullshit
This song was racist and lame but the judges acted like it was genius. Ugh.

Round 2 - some judge teabaggery
After resorting to some overly dramatic choir stage antics, the judges get in line to suck Lee's balls with all the subtlety of a gang o' great whites in the midst of a feeding frenzy. After this, Lee's balls were so clean you could eat dinner off of them.

It's obviously gonna be Lee vs. Bowersox in the finale. Who will win? Who cares? Not me. Let's just get on with it and stop the bleeding already. Yeesh.

Last 5...just 5? Still!?

I must start this blog post with this comment: Harry Connick Jr. is a babe.

Bad Satan, I've been lustin' after him since I was a wee babe myself! He is one fine piece of man meat and I'd like to.....give him a great big hug! Get your mind outta the gutter! I wasn't going to say I want to lock him in a room equipped with a fireplace, a swing, some chains, lots of pillows and a few snacks for 3 weeks. I'd never say that...

OK. So American Idol has been sucking giant donkey balls this year, we all know this. However, this week has the potential for greatness. After all the contestants have great Sinatra songs to sing and Harry Connick Jr. backing them up, literally! With that said, I have a sinking feeling that this shits gonna be fucked up...here we go:

Ryan hopes America learned our lesson after Magnus was sent home!?!? Give me a break little Ryan, she had to get gone. I don't know if he ever watched the show before but usually people get kicked off once a week. Towards the end good singers will get the boot because after all, it is a competition folks! (not a very good one but a competition none the less)

Aaron Kelly

Fly me to the moon

More like fly me outta here! Boring, thought one of his best.

Kara – I agree with you but shut up...just cant take it anymore.

Casey James

Blue Skies

First time without the git-tar. He can kinda sing! Totally needs to work on holding a note, it was a bit shaky. His awkward ass actually might go home. I think he needs the git-tar to know where he is at in the song. He didn’t know where to start with HCJ because his git-tar is missing! It's never good when the mentor calls you out for not being that good.

Crystal Bowersox

Summer Wind

One of my favorite songs ever! She did good, sounded like she fell off the melody for a few seconds but still a solid performance.

Big Mike

The way you look tonight

Killed it. I have heard that songs a and a million times million different ways, he fucking killed it!!!!!! One of my favorite versions of the song, (my other favorite is on the soundtrack on of my Best Friends Wedding. Great song, great performance, great soundtrack)

Lee DeBallSac

That's Life

I hope he gets shot down in May and don’t make it back on top in June. Honestly I didn’t like it at all. Not at all, NOT-AT-ALL. Everyone is trippin, at first I thought I was trippin, cause the last few weeks he sounded OK but after this performance I know I am right. And again – KARA SHUT THE FUCK UP- I agree with you but still – SHUT THE FUCK UP! Enough already. I think she should just be allowed to say yes or no. If she has more to say she should write them down and have Ellen read them for her.

Ok I think James is going home. I wish the judges and the world would remove their mouth’s from Lee's scrotum and send him packing.

P.S. Lee if you ever read this and I do meet you, take it easy dawg. No one reads this shit.

Sinatra Cha Cha Cha!:

Boy how I love me some Sinatra!
I just hope the remaining 5 do him justice. There are so many good songs to choose from. Most all of Sinatra's songs are more than wonderful or great! I mean, way better then that square Tony Bennett. If I was on Idol I'd sing That's Life or Domani or Christmas Dreaming or Strangers in the Night or All the Way or This Town.

If you can't tell I am totally excited about Sinatra week on American Idol. I am also really excited to see the end of this awful season. It will be soon my sons. Oh, and I'm also really, really excited about our 100th blog post! That's right, we've been around for awhile. We've had some good times and some bad, some funny and some sad...

Well folks, I guess that's it for this week. Although I have a feeling I'm forgetting something....
I mentioned how I love Old Blue Eye's, how Idol sucks, how the blog rocks...what could I possibly be leaving out...
Magnus!
How could I forget about her!? Perhaps because she played herself out and America was bored, after all they all still have Adam Lambert. She screamed her last scream and now she is no more.
It's a bit of a shame, she is obvI a great singer. I think most of America feels like I do: at first I didn't like her, then I really liked her, now I'm between those 2 extremes. And that my firend is not enough to stay on Idol. I leave you with an old school photo of our Siobhan Magnus, before the Idol stylist got a hold of her and Sanjia-ed her out.

Nice outfit.

We're a LITTLE bit country

This week Idol finally returned to the classic theme/mentor formula by dipping into the tepid baby pool of borderline-country music under the cruel tutelage of country-fried pop midget, Shania Twain.
You might remember Shania from obnoxious music videos in the late 90s or the thoroughly disappointing Chicago round of auditions. She has like, a buttload of number one records and isn't easily impressed. Not even if you're Brad Pitt! Evidently she has lowered her standards because somehow she sees potential in this season's riff raff. Or at least she says she does. Ugh. Can Idol get somebody mean to mentor these kids? Not only would it be way more entertaining but maybe if someone really told these kids how it was they would pull it together and not suck quite as bad. Maybe, but probably not.
Speaking of suckage, let's see what suck factor our contestants reached this week:

disclaimer: the Suck Factor (patent pending) is determined using a complicated system of carefully devised criteria and highly scientific processes. It is far too complicated to fully explain here and probably too much for your feeble brain to comprehend. Just think of it like sabermetrics for karaoke.

Lee
You're Still a Played-Out Wedding Song
Suck Factor: 8

I still don't fucking get it. Dude sounds like a Nickelback reject and his pitch is constantly all over the place. The fact that he will probably cruise into the top three makes me physically ill. Plus, his song made me think of every wedding I've ever been to except that I wasn't drunk so it sucked.



Big Mike
It Only Hurts When I Pee
Suck Factor: 3

Big Mike is good but I am kinda over it. He is like a less fat more likable version of Ruben and this has got to be one of the sappiest songs ever written. Although there is something intriguing about giant black men singing schmaltzy countryish love songs this just didn't really do it for me.

Casey James
Don't Ever Crimp Your hair Again
Suck Factor: 6

The song was okay. Kinda boring but he sang it pretty good. The suck factor really goes to Casey's crimped hair this week. Seriously? Who told him that would look good? I'll bet it was the same douche bag/twisted genius who hooked Sanjaya up with that ponytail mohawk travesty a few seasons back. I swear sometimes the stylists on AI just do these things so they can laugh at the contestants thinking they look like the cat's pajamas when really they look like seven shades of shit on National television.

Bowersox
No One Needs to Know that this isn't really country
Suck Factor: 1

Bowersox gives us the only somewhat authentic country performance of the night (which also happens to be hands down my fave) and the judges hate it. What the fuck, judges? You like Lee but you tear Crystal down? Are you from the bizarro world or something? I fucking give up.

Aaron Kelly
You've Got An Oedipal Complex
Suck Factor: 10

Seriously. It's starting to piss me off. Aaron needs to go the fuck home to his mom and their (evidently) creepy relationship. I am so consistently bored by this little guy that I... you know what? Fuck it. Send 'em all home!

Magnus
Any Song of Mine
Suck Factor: 5

I used to really like Magnus. Now she just does the same shit every week - kind of boring song with the same wild note at the end. Can you say "yawnsville"? I can. Magnus just punched my one-way ticket there. Bleh.

Seriously I don't even have any closing comments. Season nine suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!!!!

Creepy Crooner out.

the power of Christ compels you!

Let me start off this post by admitting freely that I did not watch Idol last night. I decided since the show sucks so ludicrously hard this season that it would be more entertaining to round up some of my cohorts, head down to ye olde karaoke bar and have our own smackdown. Needless to say it proved to be endlessly more entertaining than anything AI has offered us all year. Here are some highlights:

Jake Quickel
We Don't Need Another Hero

Jake is a living legend. When he sung this song I literally felt like I was beyond Thunderdome. I suddenly had the urge to save a bunch of scrubby outback scamps. It was weird. But weird in the best way possible.

Katie and Jake
I'm All Out Of Love

Have you ever seen a grown ass man burst into tears at a karaoke bar? Neither have I but if it happened this would be the cause. So much raw emotion. So much unadulterated sadness. So much cheap vodka in Katie's flask.

Nick "Ronnie James" Emerson
Holy Diver

Nick reached into his wheelhouse and pulled forth his Dio gem much to the delight of the entire bar. Watching Nick head bang is like watching two majestic lions make sweet sweet love on acid. Whether it is the lions or the observers who are on acid remains to be seen.

Yours Truly
Runnaround Sue

I'm not gonna lie. I was fucking amazing. I would have fucked me after this performance. I thoroughly molested an inflatable saxophone while on stage too. Now you are kicking yourself 'cause your dumbass was watching AI instead of witnessing karaoke history being made. Sucks to be you.

Me vs. Katie
Billy Joel's hits Only The Good Die Young and I Go To Extremes

An epic showdown to say the least. Like Adam vs. Kris but way less gay and way more Joelerific. The jury is still out on who won but by the end of the affair we were both covered in gorilla hair, blood and some unidentified clearish liquid.

Everyone
End Of The Road

Boyz 2 who?


Maybe AI should take a hint from us and get the contestants good and liquored up before they sing. Could you imagine a blacked out Big Mike attacking Seacrest mid-song, slinging him over his shoulder and running around the stage? I am imagining it right now and let me tell you, it is glorious. I recommend a 40 of Old English 800, 4 budweisers and like, half a flask of cheap vodka on the DL. That would certainly shake things up. I mean, they've already had bagpipes, they might as well just go for it.

Oh and Tim Urban evidently got voted off. Maybe Juice Box was right and Satan (or as I like to call him, Justin Bieber) finally had enough. Bummer, Timmy. I really thought you had it in you to go all the way on the backs of a million vaginas. Oh well.

Idol time = nap time

I sat down last night, after a glorious evening with my son, to watch Idol's top 7 performance, I was asleep within 5 minutes. Now, it could have been the fact that yesterday was 420 or that the show is simply boring. I like to think the latter is the reason, cause I can hold my shit! What I'm trying to say is AI is trippin' and they need to stop.

I'm going to kick this old school....

Casey James
Normal. I thought he was better at singing and playing the guitar this week. He sounded good, but it was totally boring. I want to see something different from him. Next week he should loose the shirt and maybe even the pants! Oh and no guitar, I wanna see that junk!


Lee D.
Don't get it. Still.


Tim "Satan's Son" Urban
I think even Satan might forsake this guy this week. Enough is enough America! Get 'em done!


Aaron
Worst song EVER! This tiny boy can sing, though parts of the song sounded forced, he needs to grow a bit then he'll be stronger. I like the way he stands on stage with his legs spread. So hottt!


Magnus
Disappointing. Pull it together girl!


Big Mike
Love him, hate the song.


Bowersobs
Finally she took my advice and hit the stage without an instrument. She was a little awkward, posing like she was playing a guitar with one hand on her boob and the other on her stomach. My only qualms was loosing it at the end of the song, I was a little surprised by that, I thought she was way harder than that, then again I was crying too...

Well that's all for now folks. Tonight is Idol gives back. I say they give us back the hours wasted watching this dreadful season...

This is ground control to Colonel Tom

How funny was that title eh? Pretty clever, I know. So, Elvis week. I have a time honored tradition of not watching Elvis week because if anybody but Elvis or, on rare occasion Bill Murray, sings Elvis songs, they inevitably suck. Instead, I like to pour myself a nice plastic cup full of fine cognac and reminisce on the time I spent as personal bodyguard and closest confidant of Colonel Tom Parker. We first met in 1966 on the set of Clambake when Tom hired me after nearly being shanked by a native Hawaiian he kept referring to as "King Kameha-gAy-a". Our relationship got off to a rocky start, strong personalities with a mountain of sexual tension bubbling just below the surface (not unlike Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston, actually, exactly like that). Eventually, things just sort of worked themselves out as nature intended and we became inseparable. We'd spend our days drinking rum from hollowed out coconuts and our evenings strolling hand in hand on the beach, conversing and debating about most everything but one subject in particular; who would win in a fight between Teen Wolf and a Vampire Gorilla. Now I liked to keep an open mind about the subject but the Colonel, he was a Vampire Gorilla man through and through. He used to say to me in his slow, drunken southern drawl "Jesco, they is jus no way the Teen Wolf could match the powa uva regla gorilla let 'lone one been vam-pi-rized! No suh!". We would go at it, back and forth for days but until the day he died, he never stopped believing in the raw power of Vampire Gorillas. His last whispered words were actually " V-v-vampah gorilla... so powaful..." and something about the nurse stealing.

Well, after all my reminiscing and drinking an entire bottle of Hennessey I ordered Couples Retreat on pay-per-view which was a poor choice. As poor a choice as watching Elvis week? Like the Vampire Gorilla - Teen Wolf debate it will forever remain unanswered but here's a little something to shed perspective on the situation. R.I.P. Colonel Tom