No Idol tonight!? Denied!!!

So as all of you know there will be no American Idol tonight. I'm not sure why (as I have no interest in Fox's mid-week non-AI programming) but the smackdown has been shifted to Wed/Thurs this week leaving us Idolators searching blindly for something to occupy our Tuesday night.

Fear not though, loyal American viewers! Don't panic just yet! What follows is my own personal list of ALTERNATIVE OPTIONS for tonight. Enjoy...

Alternative Option A: Watch Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles on DVR

I don't know about the rest of you but I still have last weeks episode of Terminator waiting patiently for me on my DVR. In the last ep Shirley Manson (who plays a pasty T-1000 with a Scottish accent) went to town on like 100 people, messily butchering them with her badass blade-arms! So I guess it goes without saying that i can't wait to see what happens next. If you still need to be convinced as to the awesomeness of this show please see the superhot promotional picture of Summer Glau above.


Alternative Option B: Catch up with the NFL combine

NFL network (aka: the best network in television history) will be recapping the entire NFL combine as well as providing a sweet preview of the imminent free agent signings tonight. Unless you are me, Jesco or Tony Kornheiser you probably don't dig professional football as much as you dig AI - so for all of you laymen, the combine is the yearly event where NFL prospects engage in numerous drills and skill showcases, strutting their stuff for the pro scouts and coaches. It's kind of like the initial audition phase of Idol in a way, except that there is a lot less crying and slightly less steroid abuse.


Alternative Viewing Option C: Shed a Tear for Fallen Hotties

Here we see babealicious pictures of Ashley Anderson and Casey Carlson. These alliterative foxes have both gone the way of the dinosaur as far as AI is concerned, but they are both happily alive and well in my dreams (at least when Kara's not around). Poor miss Anderson never even made it past hell week (much to my hard ons chagrin) and Casey, as we all know, was sent packing after her disastrous dismantling of "Every Little Thing (S)he does is Magic", presumably back to the fantasy kingdom she presides over where the Cuervo never stops flowing and it's Spring Break all year long!
So to all of you with nothing to do tonight - I recommend you spend some quality time with your computer and give these ladies the emotional send-off they deserve. All you need is google image search and a box of tissues!

...

For the tears, you filthy fucks! Get your minds out of the gutter!

Personally, I'm gonna try to fit all three options in. Wish me luck!

My Kara DioGuardi sex dream - an erotic journey

Hell week has come and gone (even though, through some sort of temporal tampering, the geniuses at Fox somehow made it last two weeks!) and the competitive pool has been whittled down to 36. Now that all the bullshit is out of the way we can finally sink our teeth into the delicious salty meat clinging to the karaoke bone - THIS, motherfuckers, is American Idol!

With that said, I'd like to turn your collective attention to the dream I had about a fortnight ago. In this dream I was "hanging out" at AI auditions, mingling with the judges and competitive hopefuls alike. I have no idea what city we were in - just that this was all going down in one of those hotels that they conduct the early rounds in.

After listening to old Motown records and smoking a fatty with Randy, I decided to see what the new judge, the lovely Miss DioGuardi was up to, and hence set out to explore the hotel and get to the bottom of just what it was this newcomer had to offer.

I came across Kara in her hotel room (which I don't think they even have in real life) where she was lounging seductively on the bed. Being the predatory cougar that she is, Miss DioGuardi couldn't keep her hands off me and kept saying mildly suggestive things like "there's something special about you" and "come on, you know you wanna fuck me".

I explained to Kara that I had a loving girlfriend at home but this only seemed to entice her further. She uttered something to the effect of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" which in dream logic seemed to make perfect sense, and subsequently latched on to my face - making out with me like my mouth was made of scrumptious feces and she was one of the chicks from 2 girls 1 cup.

Going into the particulars of what followed would be disrespectful to Miss DioGuardi's feminine sensibilities (no matter how predatory they may be), but let's just say that she was pretty much "down for whatever" and with the right motivation (wink wink) she has an incredibly amazing belting range.

The whole deal ended with someone (who may or may not have been Simon) busting in on us during "the deed" and causing some degree of drama - although how it all played out will remain a mystery since the coitus interruptus coincided with my alarm clock going off. Bummer.

The episode has left me with a vague feeling of longing, a heretofore absent attraction to older women and a semi.

My dreams since have been riddled with the usual embrrassment of compulsively masturbating in public and the expected recurrence of Summer Glau wearing this outfit:



Unfortunately Kara and her sultry cougish charms have not made any encore performances in slumberland (she never even came back to finish what she started for cryin' out loud!) so until that sweet sweet night arrives I guess I'll just have to settle for being hypnotized by her smoky gaze through my tv twice weekly.

(long sad sigh)