Yes we can't sing very good!

This week's first foray into auditionland brought Idol back to the windy city with decidedly disappointing results. First of all, with premier week out of the way the show has returned to it's traditional hour long format. While a 60 minute show is obviously less gratuitous, last nights ep seemed positively meager in the wake of last week's 210 combined minutes of karaoke goodness. Add to that the fact that the "bad" singers were, on the whole, less hilariously insane and the "good" singers were mediocre at best and you get an episode that had me on the verge of flipping over to the new iCarly movie on Nickelodeon. In the end I stuck it out with Idol as I have an obligation to this web log and I was already recording iCarly to my DVR.

So with that let us dive head first into the shallow end of the talent pool...

Worst. Sob story. Ever.

Your parents are getting a divorce? That's your sob story? Please. That is easily the sorriest attempt at soliciting sympathy unleashed upon America thus far. Despite the producers trying to paint the situation as a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, Simon immediately makes light of it when Katelyn here enters the audition room, proving yet again that the British have no souls. She can sing okay so she makes it to Hollywood whilst setting the bar for Chicago success markedly low.

Float like a butterfly, sting like some big ol' titties.

Here we have the spectacularly deluded Amy Lang who looks to me like that ugly chick from Glee if she had eaten the rest of the Show Choir. She starts her performance by doing a sort of prat-faint that scares the judges and nearly brings the building down, only to spring up and launch into a cartoonish version of Dr. Feelgood (no, not the one by Motley Crue. Unfortunately.) Her tits end up being more talented than her as she shows off a move which she calls the "boob flex", Kara dubs "boob boxing" and I refer to as "the next great thing in fatty porn". She does get some bonus points for freaking out Seacrest by way of describing to him his starring role in her "first celebrity sex dream". Yikes.

If you promise not to cross the streams I'll sing Swanee!

Behold! Gozer the Destructor! He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. Evidently someone at the Idol auditions chose the form of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in black face! That's way scarier (not to mention more hilariously racist) than a giant Slor, believe you me. Instead of the usual wanton destruction and inevitable apocalypse though, Gozer seems intent on singing in a silly falsetto and sending Simon and Randy into hysterics. I guess no crossing of the streams will be necessary. Better luck next millennium, Gozerian!

This is my rifle, this is my gun...

This guy, one Brian Krause (not to be confused with the impossibly dashing movie star of the same name), is seriously reminiscent of Vince Denofrio's character in Full Metal Jacket. I was half-expecting Simon to abrasively inquire about the nature of his "major malfunction", leading to a tragic murder/suicide via well-smuggled sniper rifle right there in the audition room. Unfortunately this did not occur. What did occur, you may ask? He sang Tiny Tim's timeless classic Tip-Tow Through The Tulips and managed, against all odds, to make it creepier than the original. Nice try, Private Pyle.

No steak for you!!!

This is Harold Davis. He wants very badly to be a star. Mostly, it seems, to improve his diet. He is heard to remark "I'm tired of eatin' microwave dinners. I wanna eat steak!". After his talentless yet strangely unfunny performance, I think we can all agree that Harold is gonna be stopping by the Pick n' Save on his way home from the audition and heading straight to the frozen foods isle.

Idol Assassin

Doesn't this dude look like he should be the villain in a kung fu movie? Like Simon killed his brother and after years of training he has infiltrated Idol, posing as a singer, with deadly intent. How awesome would it be if he made it all the way to the finals and just as Seacrest was announcing the winner, dude buries a shuriken smack dab in Cowell's windpipe, throws a smoke bomb and disappears without a trace - leaving Kodak Theater security, the Fox brass and the American viewing public scratching their collective head? Pretty fucking awesome. Oh, dude's name is John Park and he can sing pretty okay. He makes it to Hell week. Revenge is as good as his.

See what I mean? This weeks episode was seven shades of boring. Hopefully tonight's trip to the Sunshine State will prove more fruitful. Speaking of fruit, I will leave you with an image straight from the troubled wet dreams of Amy Lang...

oh, Seacrest! Your homoerotic cavorting has got me all a-twitter!

It's a real authentic-like hillbilly jamboree, y'all!

That's right! The only thing that Hillbillies enjoy more than fightin', cousin-fuckin' and bridge-jumpin' (evidently) it's playin' music! So grab yer banjo, take a pull off the ol' moonshine jug and git ta hoin' down, folks!
Seriously though, this year's jaunt through the infamous ATL was so rife with clodhoppers you could smell the pungent and unmistakable combination of white lightnin' and B.O. two cities away! And even if there were really only like two or three yokels that made it onto the actual episode, their unadulterated authenticity more than made up for it. So with that, let us begin the roundup with someone who is not technically a hillbilly but is at least half as idiotic as one...

Lady, I forgot to take my meds...

This gentleman is Dewone Robinson. He seems like a nice enough guy and he is evidently a song writer. He is not, evidently, sane. The original piece he performs is called Lady We're Not Together Any More and it is quite bizarre to say the least. He shifts laboriously between a silly falsetto, a sillier bass and an abrasive baritone, prompting Simon to brand the piece "one of the worst original songs I've ever heard." Dewone attempts to plead his case but Kara is coldly dismissive and ultimately the unbalanced young man departs leaving the judges, as well as the viewing public confused, angry, sad and horny (but not necessarily in that order).

Miss Tragic Overbite 2009

Next we are treated to Keia Johnson who has a background in pageantry, a good voice and an overbite that makes her look as if she was drawn by Matt Groening. She sings what she refers to as "the Titanic song" pretty well and her big pipes get her to Hollywood. Simon thinks she'd be better suited as a lead in Oklahoma. I think she'd be better suited as a can opener.

Speaking of unfortunate mouths...

Brace Face!!!

the cavalcade of dental horror continues with Noel Reese. I can't presently remember what she sang (as she was shown in one of those three-person montages that the AI editors have become so fond of) but she makes it to the next round. Honestly though, I can't really see an Idol with braces. I just don;t think I could take her seriously as an artist, the fact that I have never taken any of the Idols all that seriously as artists notwithstanding. Also, I'm usually creepily attracted to chicks with braces but Noel just looks too much like a girl that would have been in your drama class in high school and terminally annoyed you so no dice there. Sorry, dude. I predict a Hell Week departure.

The Chosen One

In every generation there is a chosen one. He alone will stand against the mediocre pop, the boring redundant R&B and the forces of darkness. He is the Slayer.

Seriously, you would think this dude (one Jermaine Sellers) was about to throw down with some demon scum and save the world from inevitable apocalypse the way the judges were jizzing all over him. Randy says "this kid is hot, Simon", Mary refers to him as "anointed" and Kara freely imbibes his nutsack (after obnoxiously singing along with his audition). He does have a good voice but he ought to, being a professional church singer and any enjoyment I might have gleaned from his bit was utterly decimated by the inclusion of I've Got a Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, causing me to vomit uncontrollably for ten minutes and miss the next few auditionees.

4-11: Never Forget

After cleaning up an impossible amount of sick, I returned my attention to the show just in time to catch uber obnoxious "tv host" Christy Marie Agronow. I stared in horror as she tried hopelessly to brand a silly hand gesture meant to advertise her show (which is called 411 the show and is presumably just as annoying as its host) and vocally shat on the Pat Benetar classic Love is a Battlefield. The judges were brutal with Kara chiming in with the perfect punchline: "it is, girl. it is." You can't write that shit!

I'm goin' ta Hollywood? On an Air-o-plane? Y'all are cereal?

While all the buzz on ye olde internete today is centering around General Larry Platt and his fashion critique-turned-viral video, the real gem in last nights episode was trashy-hot bridge jumpin' backwoods babe Vanessa Wolfe. This chick is far and away the most authentic hillbilly ever captured on television. Everything she says is a yokel cliche, she hails from the smallest town in Tennessee (like, literally the smallest town) and she always wears a bathing suit under her clothes just in case she happens upon a bridge well-suited for jumpin'. She says of her life in tiny rural Vonore, "not much to do... so I jump the bridges" and "I don't really have a life. I don't gos to the movies or the mall or anythin'" (after saying the last line she begins laughing like an idiot child, adding exponentially to the effect). There is basically nothing I can really write here to adequately describe the awesomeness of Vanessa or her segment, but unfortunately I don't see her going all that far. She has an old-timey country vibe and a raw vocal style that I dig but something about her is reminiscent of last season's Megan Corkrey, and while I championed Megan early she was ultimately a huge disappointment. At this point I am officially rooting for Vanessa to be the next Idol. Don't let me down, lady-hick! Get on that there air-o-plane and go show Hollywood how to get down hayseed style!

I Have Seen the future of porn and it's name is Holly Harden

I mean, really? Her real name is a porn pseudonym! Holly Harden? Are you fucking kidding me? Despite the fact that she is dressed like Bootsy Collins I can't look at her without imaging a huge cock in her mouth. She actually gets sent through to Hollywood. Mary doesn't get it. For the record, either do I. I predict that Holly ends up out on her ass during Hell week but finds her way instinctively to the San Fernando Valley, becoming the next Traci Lords.

The Invincible Simpleton

Accident-prone but seemingly invulnerable Hillbilly, Jesse Hamilton has reportedly come uncomfortably close to death on three separate occasions (by way of fever, gunshot and moving vehicle respectively) and currently makes a living in the low-risk field of welding. The powers that be at Fox decided to treat Jesse's near-tragic past with what could be considered the opposite of reverence, turning it into a series of slapstick vignettes to mildly amusing effect. He proceeds to actually die (in a less literal sense however) by slaughtering a Garth Brooks tune and becoming the butt of various jokes and wise cracks provided by the judges other than Mary J., who can't ebb her maniacal laughter long enough to provide a quip.

Clown Prince of Atlanta

This dude was wild. He presents himself as more of a concept than an actual person, explaining the unstoppable force of nature that is Skii Bo Ski (inexplicably misspelled as Skiboski on his custom-made shirt) and puts on a show that must be seen to be believed. As soon as this guy was introduced I started making arcane offerings to the Idol gods in hopes of securing him an unlikely place in Hollywood. Once he sang I thought there might be a way outside chance that the deities heard my plea as his voice was fairly powerful if a little unwieldy. Simon was not a fan but the other three put him through and there was much rejoicing (on my part anyway). I seriously can't wait to see what kind of madness Skii Bo Ski unleashed during Hell week. And as some skinny hippy douche once said, waiting is the hardest part.

Cop Rock!

Oh shit! It's Johnny Law! Hide the weed, Mary J.!!! Oh, he's off duty? He's just here to audition? Oh, it's cool then. ATL police officer Bryan Walker may look like Zippy the pinhead and he may represent "the man" but he sings pretty damn good and he fills the role of "blue collar hero" character way better than Michael whatsisname from last year (although rest assured we can expect to be reminded weekly of his valorous occupation if he makes it past Hell week). Basically Bryan sounds like Danny Gokey if Danny Gokey hadn't completely sucked bloody asshole. I expect J. Law to go far and bring us many worthy performances. Let's just hope none of them turn out like this...

actually on second thought, let's hope they DO!

Security! Security!

If anybody ever told you that manic depression is no laughing matter they were dead wrong, and Lamar Royal here is living proof. He does a horrific opera version of Kiss from a Rose and is quickly taken to task by the judges. He refuses to take their constructive criticism, interrupting constantly with varying degrees of rage and sadness. He even makes to storm out of the room on several occasions, only to return and haplessly plead his case some more. In the end we get the season's first look at the AI goon squad who show Mr. Royal the door but would have been better suited to show him the way to the nearest mental asylum. He ends up spouting profanity and switching haphazardly from murderous anger to sobbing depression and back again out on the street, finally (and tearfully) giving us the quote of the night: "I wish Paula was here." Who doesn't, Lamar? Who doesn't?

Larry Platt - Internet Sensation

What can I say about the General Larry Platt that hasn't been virally spread on the Internet for the last 20 hours? By now I'm sure that all of you have downloaded Platt's catchy condemnation of modern youth fashion as your new ringtone or some such nonsense so I'm just going to say good work, General. You have given us the best original Idol piece since You are my Brother by that weird Asian dude in the fur coat. We'll see you in the season finale.

For those of you that don't remember the aforementioned original song, enjoy:

and that just about does it for the Atlanta roundup, kids! Stay tuned for JB's review of Mary J., a best and worst of the week special and more from Idol Threats! I guess I will leave you with a little more Cop Rock 'cause why the hell not? It's fuckin' Cop Rock!

Top 36 Part 3 - the revenge

Last night we were treated to more poor song choices, wasted potential and mediocrity but here's the good news - it was the best group so far! Although there were a good amount of duds there were fewer of the heinously low points of the past two weeks and, dare I say it, actually a couple of high points. Let's get down to the grading process, shall we?

Von Smith

Showing a bit more restraint than in previous outings, Von turns in a respectable but thoroughly forgettable performance.

Grade: C-

Return of the Colossal Beast

Takes a shot at Alicia Keys' "If I Aint Got You" and misses the mark, turning in an overtly boring product. She followed that up by messily devouring eight human toddlers.

Grade: D+

Alex Wagner-Trugman

Falling somewhere in between Anthony Michael Hall in 16 Candles and John Cryer in Pretty In Pink, Alex was sadly missing a Molly Ringwald to his spastic nerd - achieving only the title of "Anti-Joy Ramone" by sucking ass and awkwardly knocking over the mic stand.

Grade: F+

Ariana Asfar

Blows it in just about every way possible. Horrific song choice. Horrific execution. I guess its back to babysitting the elderly for little Ariana.

Grade: D

Ju'Not Joyer

Takes a perfectly good uptempo song and ruins it by needlessly turning it into a ballad, much to my chagrin. That said, he sings his version well but will undoubtedly be lost in the shuffle with the wild card round as his only possible respite.

Grade: C+

Kristen McNamara

Pornstar-in-training, Kristen does a serviceable but totally karaoke style job covering Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason", which isn't that surprising providing the fact that she is a karaoke host in her normal life. Probably has little-to-no shot at making it through which is a bummer cuz I think she's totally hot.

Grade: C+

Nate Marshall

What can be said about this crying, spineless douche that hasn't already been covered on the show itself? His song choice was sketchy at best and his predictably awkward rearrangement of "I Would Do Anything For Love" successfully edited the song from around 9 minutes to around a minute and a half, but that's about it. Laaaaaaaaammmmmmeeeeee.

Grade: D-

Felicia Barton

Although Felicia appears to have lost some weight since the early audition rounds, she still has the look of a world class fellatio artist. She has a great voice as well and sings well but due to the song choice the whole affair is a little over the top and shouty. Still well above most of the field.

Grade: B

Blindey!

Scott sings a lame adult contempo song (who's his advisor - Anoop?) fairly well. He will get through due in equal measure to Simon's Jedi mind trick and America's collective guilt.

"you WILL vote for the blind guy, America."

Grade: C+

Kendall Beard

Country musics last hope on the Idol stage turns in a thoroughly disappointing turn. Good luck in the wild card round, cowgirl!

Grade: D+

Jorge Nunez

Latino Heat brings us easily the best male performance of the evening with his near perfect rendition of the huge song "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me". Will he have enough ethnic flavor to battle past the blind master AND Simon's insidious mind control powers? We'll find out tonight.

Grade: B+

Lil Rounds

Like we didn't see this one coming. Lil kills it and assures herself an easy ride into the top 12, dashing the dreams of every other girl in the group in the process. This is what Idol is all about, people! Black chicks with big asses and bigger voices wiping the floor with a potent concoction of shattered dreams and wasted potential.

Grade: A-

My official picks are as follows:

Lil Rounds
Blindey
Jorge Nunez
(possible spoilers: Felicia Barton, Ju'Not Joyner, Kristen McNamara)

Don't fail me, America. Not again. Not now.

Idol Fantasy Smackdown! Play along at home!

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Showdown in Kansas City

Howdy, pardners! Time for another AI audition roundup! Last night's episode brought the heat to Kansas City, Missouri which meant lots and lots of shameless plugs for current reigning American Idol, David Cook. I like Cook. I think he has a certain asshole-ish charm and a knack for arranging songs, but let's face it - I don't give shit one about the winners of AI after they are crowned. I've never once bought an Idol's record and I don't plan on it anytime soon. I'm all about the savagery of the hunt! The thrill of the chase! The unyielding spirit of competition! Some other cliche! So fuck David Cook and every other past Idol right in their collective ear! I smell fresh blood in the Kansas City air - let's get to it!

Baby Castro
The emo/punk to older bro Jason's worthless hippie, baby Castro is obviously just as worthless as his dreadlocked brethren. He does seem to have a slightly better voice (which isn't saying much since Jason couldn't sing his way out of a nutsack) but he shares his bros gratingly apathetic nature and horrifically bland personality. My prediction is that his classic Castro "Id rather be hitting a bong" attitude will earn him an early exit from the competition, but you never know - Jason skated into last years final four based solely on his lady killing eyes and I'm pretty sure Kara wants to fuck him.

+

=

Opera Bear!

Dude wasted years of his life and piles of his parents' money studying opera with the result being a vocal style akin to the great train wreck of 1918. Not only do you suck, you suck spectacularly. Opera Bear bye byyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Geeky Indian Frat Dude

So what if you dress like a fratty douche? So what if you shamelessly rock flip flops like one of those idiots that plays beach volleyball? So what if you got called out on said bad style by a Brit who's entire wardrobe is comprised of chest hugging V-neck nip shirts? You sang pretty good and you have a plucky spirit that I'm guessing will take you far in this here competition. Go get some new clothes and get ready to rock, son! You're going to Bollywood!

Sob Story McGee
Pictured here with his dead wife, Danny Gokey is clearly the "tug at your heart strings" character this year. The judges were all really impressed with his gravely soulful voice but honestly all I heard was an average Joe Cocker impression a la Taylor Hicks. Lame. Sorry your wife died, dude, but I'm still gonna have to disagree with the judges on this one. Regardless of my opinion, dude will obviously go far - top 12 at least if you ask me - but if he resurrects the dreaded Soul Patrol I will totally lose it. Those fucks make me vomit in my mouth.

Dream Girl
Wow. WOW!!!Seriously? Are you seeing this chick? She is the literal definition if a walking boner machine. I fell in love with this girl the second she walked in to the audition room and I am currently falling more and more in love with her as I stare at this picture. Let's just say that I have spent the better part of today writing "Mike Murder + Ashley Anderson 4 ever" (inside big bubbly hearts of course) in my mead notebook. I can't even come up with anything funny to write! Goddamn you, Ashley Anderson! Get out of my head!!!!!! Or marry me. Either one will do just fine. Oh, yea, she sang really good and picked a song that Simon co-wrote, blah blah blah blah... Marry me. Seriously.

Scary Welder Guy
"Me used to sing in bar band. Me quit that to be welder cuz me family come first. Me do better Joe Cocker impression than Sob Story McGee but judges no like me as much cuz me wife not dead. Me no worry. Me sing heart out. Me crush all opponents. Me eat their babies too! You see - me go all the way!"

The Banana Guy
This dude was only shown briefly but in that brief moment I could tell that he is an absolute genius. The song he sang must be heard to be believed, but it was mostly about his banana and inquiring as to who wanted it. Somewhat obviously, none of the judges were lacking in potassium. I guess this dude will just have to find another outlet for his special brand of magic and I, for one, hope he does. Banana Guy - you are MY American Idol.

The Hottie with Shit for a Voice
This girl (pictured here in the midst of the world's least graceful pirouette) inspired some of the most evil comments to ever come out of Randy and Simon. It was quite a pleasure to watch as the two of them relentlessly riffed back and forth, making fun of her and likening her vocal style to a suicidal feline (and a police siren). It was like Statler and Waldorf were at the judges table, with this poor girl sitting in for Fozzie Bear. But I say so what if the chick can't sing? She has a bright future ahead of her in porno. I'm thinking something with a double-sided dildo. yea, definitely girl-on-girl. Mmmmm... jack nap time.

speaking of porno...

Better Bikini Girl!!!
Casey Carlson served up a second helping of alliteration as well as a rendition of the song from the Zales diamonds commercials that was actually better than the original (by that chick with her magical flying piano). But that's really not important in the face of something like this:

BAM!!!
What the fuck!? Alls I know is that Casey makes a WAY better bikini girl than the actual bikini girl. If Ashley Anderson's picture and imagining Chelsea fucking another chick didn't call for a jack nap break, this certainly does. So I'll leave on the proverbial high note...

(Mia Conley hits heinously shrill high note. Glass shatters. Dogs begin to howl)

"You done fucked up, judges! You didn't know I was personal friends with God, did you? Well now you're super DUPER fucked cuz I am, and he aint too pleased with the way you talked all that shit on my audition! I hope you like suffering for eternity, bitches! I'm talkin' serious suffering, ya hear? You shall all be covered in boils and sores! Except for Paula - your ass is getting turned into a godamm pillar of salt! I requested that shit special!"

Until next time, kids...