Top 36 first blood part 2 - this time it's personal

Group two has sung and all I can say is I continue to be thoroughly underwhelmed. After last week I honestly thought it couldn't get much worse but I was wrong. So very wrong. More horrible "what were they thinking?" song choices led to more bad singing which led to me scratching my head and thinking Simon was being, on the whole, too kind. We'll have to wait for tonight to see how America did, but here's how I scored 'em:

Jasmine Murray

Bad song choice leads inevitably to disaster. She almost pulls it out a bit in the bridge but sings ugly and only manages to beat the living shit out of Sara Bareilles' "Love Song", which even that crappy tune doesn't deserve (I personally favor the Kids Bop version).

Grade: D

Matt Giraud

Chooses a weird song for him and informs the judges that this is the kind of music he sees himself doing. Good luck with that. He sings it weak and his only hope at this point is a wild card spot based on his Hell week performances.

Grade: C-

Jeanine Vailes

Sure she can crush a human skull like a walnut between her thighs but her vocals are horrendous! Another bad song choice and a pitchy performance. Ugh.

Grade: D

Norman Gentle

Boldly does the only thing he can do to give him any shot of getting through and hams it up to magnificent effect. Sure he blows the vocals, but the performance is top notch and probably one of the best things I've seen on Idol ever! Simon pleads with the American public not to let Norman through so his only shot at this point is probably the Vote For The Worst people. I seriously want to see this dude make it into the top 12 just to see what he does week after week - it would be like the entertaining version of Sanjaya! My grade in this case is for overall entertainment value (and getting Seacrest to nearly snap and secrete a little dose of venom).



Grade: B-

Allison Irahetta

Chooses a big song and almost totally slays it. She still sings the shit out of Heart's "Alone" easily winning the title of best performance of the night. If America doesn't vote her through then America is retarded.

Grade: B+

Kris Allen

Oh no! Not MJ!!!! Isn't someone telling these kids not to choose these kiss-of-death songs? Like some kind of vocal director or something? There should be. For everyones sake! The judges (other than Kara) like him. I agree with Kara.

Grade: C-

Megan Corkrey

Hot mom picks a good song but struggles a little and the performance is slightly awkward. Still clearly head and shoulders above most of the field. She better get the third spot for fear of losing yet another hottie. Come on America! Do we really want an ugly top 12? I know I don't. If she misses the cut, look for her as a wild card contender, as the judges are fond of licking her taint.

Grade: B-

Matt "Bald Bull" Breitzke

"Me sing kinda boring Tonic song. Judges no like song choice. No lick taint. Me no care. Me love Tonic! Me sing song again if me have chance! Me grind Simon's limey bones to make me bread! America vote for me if America know what good for it! Me go listen to Tonic CD and cry now."

Grade: C

Jesse Langseth

Oh shit! Half of her sweater fell off! That's gotta be awkward on live tv. She sings okay in kind of a laid-back old school manner. Bad ending. Forgettable.

Grade: C+

Kai Kalama

Serviceable but forgettable. Sings a throwbacky song and seems to be lacking in energy. Maybe try not taking a blunt to the dome next time, bra! For now I think you'll be hangin' ten back to San Clamente to toke up with your sick mom. Buuuuummmmerrrr.

Grade: C

Mishavonna Henson

Handles the verse but struggles with the hook of Train's "Drops of Jupiter" as if she can't quite figure out how she wants to sing it. Good in the low register, Mishavonna's obvious weak point is the higher stuff which could be a big problem for her. That said, she could easily find her way into a wild card spot.

Grade: C+

Adam Lambert

Juice Box's least favorite contestant (for whatever totally random reason) makes an iffy song choice and manages to pull out a pretty good performance. The arrangement is great, showcasing his range and ambitious vocal style. I particularly dug the funky breakdown (although he never quite got into the right vocal groove during that section) and the slow burn intro. At the end of the day I agree with Simon that the song had moments of greatness alternating with moments of lameness as Adam shows that he definitely has chops but fails to hit a complete homerun.

Grade: B+


So there you have it, kids! Another overall disappointing night of karaoke and another fairly easy pick as to who is gonna make it into the Top 12. My official prediction is as follows:

Top Dude: Adam Lambert
Top Chick: Allison Irahetta
Runner Up: Megan Corkrey
(with Norman gentle, Jesse Langseth and Mishavonna as possible spoilers)

Stay tuned for YOUR grade, America!

Showdown in Kansas City

Howdy, pardners! Time for another AI audition roundup! Last night's episode brought the heat to Kansas City, Missouri which meant lots and lots of shameless plugs for current reigning American Idol, David Cook. I like Cook. I think he has a certain asshole-ish charm and a knack for arranging songs, but let's face it - I don't give shit one about the winners of AI after they are crowned. I've never once bought an Idol's record and I don't plan on it anytime soon. I'm all about the savagery of the hunt! The thrill of the chase! The unyielding spirit of competition! Some other cliche! So fuck David Cook and every other past Idol right in their collective ear! I smell fresh blood in the Kansas City air - let's get to it!

Baby Castro
The emo/punk to older bro Jason's worthless hippie, baby Castro is obviously just as worthless as his dreadlocked brethren. He does seem to have a slightly better voice (which isn't saying much since Jason couldn't sing his way out of a nutsack) but he shares his bros gratingly apathetic nature and horrifically bland personality. My prediction is that his classic Castro "Id rather be hitting a bong" attitude will earn him an early exit from the competition, but you never know - Jason skated into last years final four based solely on his lady killing eyes and I'm pretty sure Kara wants to fuck him.

+

=

Opera Bear!

Dude wasted years of his life and piles of his parents' money studying opera with the result being a vocal style akin to the great train wreck of 1918. Not only do you suck, you suck spectacularly. Opera Bear bye byyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Geeky Indian Frat Dude

So what if you dress like a fratty douche? So what if you shamelessly rock flip flops like one of those idiots that plays beach volleyball? So what if you got called out on said bad style by a Brit who's entire wardrobe is comprised of chest hugging V-neck nip shirts? You sang pretty good and you have a plucky spirit that I'm guessing will take you far in this here competition. Go get some new clothes and get ready to rock, son! You're going to Bollywood!

Sob Story McGee
Pictured here with his dead wife, Danny Gokey is clearly the "tug at your heart strings" character this year. The judges were all really impressed with his gravely soulful voice but honestly all I heard was an average Joe Cocker impression a la Taylor Hicks. Lame. Sorry your wife died, dude, but I'm still gonna have to disagree with the judges on this one. Regardless of my opinion, dude will obviously go far - top 12 at least if you ask me - but if he resurrects the dreaded Soul Patrol I will totally lose it. Those fucks make me vomit in my mouth.

Dream Girl
Wow. WOW!!!Seriously? Are you seeing this chick? She is the literal definition if a walking boner machine. I fell in love with this girl the second she walked in to the audition room and I am currently falling more and more in love with her as I stare at this picture. Let's just say that I have spent the better part of today writing "Mike Murder + Ashley Anderson 4 ever" (inside big bubbly hearts of course) in my mead notebook. I can't even come up with anything funny to write! Goddamn you, Ashley Anderson! Get out of my head!!!!!! Or marry me. Either one will do just fine. Oh, yea, she sang really good and picked a song that Simon co-wrote, blah blah blah blah... Marry me. Seriously.

Scary Welder Guy
"Me used to sing in bar band. Me quit that to be welder cuz me family come first. Me do better Joe Cocker impression than Sob Story McGee but judges no like me as much cuz me wife not dead. Me no worry. Me sing heart out. Me crush all opponents. Me eat their babies too! You see - me go all the way!"

The Banana Guy
This dude was only shown briefly but in that brief moment I could tell that he is an absolute genius. The song he sang must be heard to be believed, but it was mostly about his banana and inquiring as to who wanted it. Somewhat obviously, none of the judges were lacking in potassium. I guess this dude will just have to find another outlet for his special brand of magic and I, for one, hope he does. Banana Guy - you are MY American Idol.

The Hottie with Shit for a Voice
This girl (pictured here in the midst of the world's least graceful pirouette) inspired some of the most evil comments to ever come out of Randy and Simon. It was quite a pleasure to watch as the two of them relentlessly riffed back and forth, making fun of her and likening her vocal style to a suicidal feline (and a police siren). It was like Statler and Waldorf were at the judges table, with this poor girl sitting in for Fozzie Bear. But I say so what if the chick can't sing? She has a bright future ahead of her in porno. I'm thinking something with a double-sided dildo. yea, definitely girl-on-girl. Mmmmm... jack nap time.

speaking of porno...

Better Bikini Girl!!!
Casey Carlson served up a second helping of alliteration as well as a rendition of the song from the Zales diamonds commercials that was actually better than the original (by that chick with her magical flying piano). But that's really not important in the face of something like this:

BAM!!!
What the fuck!? Alls I know is that Casey makes a WAY better bikini girl than the actual bikini girl. If Ashley Anderson's picture and imagining Chelsea fucking another chick didn't call for a jack nap break, this certainly does. So I'll leave on the proverbial high note...

(Mia Conley hits heinously shrill high note. Glass shatters. Dogs begin to howl)

"You done fucked up, judges! You didn't know I was personal friends with God, did you? Well now you're super DUPER fucked cuz I am, and he aint too pleased with the way you talked all that shit on my audition! I hope you like suffering for eternity, bitches! I'm talkin' serious suffering, ya hear? You shall all be covered in boils and sores! Except for Paula - your ass is getting turned into a godamm pillar of salt! I requested that shit special!"

Until next time, kids...