Randy Travis is Bad Ass

Over all this week disappointed me. For the most part everyone did well, the songs sounded OK. What went wrong was, once again, the song choices. There are a ton of great songs to choose from yet they picked contemporary country artist, Carrie Underwood and the like. Should have thought old school bro-hams!

Lamby
HA HA HA! This boy is just proving my point, week after week. This should have been performed at a stage show somewhere, anywhere else. I was constantly thinking he was about to take his clothes off! This is country week dude, not drama academy. Quick study Paula! QUICK STUDY!? It is very apparent that his boy has been on the stage for a very long time. Come on Randy Jackson, this shit ain't young, fresh or hot. It's Ghey, and most definitely not AI worthy. Let's do this America! Send this boy home!

Sarver blew it for me and not in a good way. It was painful to watch because the poor boy let his nerves get the best of him. Violently shaking hands, mic taping and a ton of words is a receipt for disaster.


Kris with a K
Boring! He sung it well but it was boring and not memorable. It was a bit monotone for me but I still have to agree with Simon and I can see now that he MIGHT have a chance in this competition. I understand tender-dawg was trying to showcase his vocals but it was boring, and boring can mean a ticket home.

I am so glad we have the added wisdom of Kara. If she wasn't there we may have not thought that Allison could sing the alphabet and still sound great! Wow, her insight amazes me week after week.


Lil' Rounds
Started out rough but when she hits the high notes she got into it and started singing the shit out of it. Still it was a weird song choice. Kara, you are right, she did do what she felt but she felt wrong! You are giving props for a bad decision! Get wit it woman! And you know you could have done better when Paula starts talking hair styles and clothes.

Blindy
(I am going to start calling him this because my cohort does. I really feel bad and disagree with the usage of this word and, though Mr. Murder does not force me to use this term, I must do what's best for the blog.) Boring and I have to agree with Simon, bad song choice. This is country people. Get crazy and have some fun. Goodness!


I loved how they had Ryan stand in a still mosh pit, they totally did that so they can shoot him from above so baby Seacrest doesn't look like me standing with the Harlem Globe Trotters.

Alexis Grace
Nice that she picked a Dolly Parton song. I have been saying for weeks she reminds me of her, minus the gigantic boobs. Judges you crazy!

Gokey!
Way to completely mess up in front of Randy Travis, btw. He does well when he sings girl songs. Bix pointed this out to me, he likes this because he tends to like female vocalist more. I tell ya, you learn something new everyday living with this guy!

From zero to hero in no time flat! Anoop Dawg is back. Still boring for me though, I am surprised the judges loved him so much. Anoop is definitely sexy hot but this performance was boring. Judges, I disagree!

I have not been a fan of commenting on contestants outfits, however, Megan was wearing a sweet dress, props powering through while sick. Glad to see her weird twists were stifled by the sickness.

Matt again, good job at being boring.

Oh and contestants, please stop with your brave excuses and lame attempts of saving face because you are actually being silly when you say the song is really about "this" or "that." NO! It is about doing your best to win the fucking competition. SO, from now on listen to what the Judges have to say and reply with a thank you and a smile. Keep it simple and stop annoying me -- please.

America You Have Done Wrong

I would be lying if I said I can accept Jorge going home, sweet home. On the other hand, I'm totally happy that Anoop Dawg is still in. The true fact that I am absolutely keen on Anoop does not blind me to the fact that between the two, Jorge should have gone through. This upsets me America, you have stirred a deep conflict of emotion within my soul but if this is what you want -- so be it.

As for Jasmine, not surprised. She can sing really well but not well enough in this crowd. Slain again with another bad song choice. Luckily the 16 year old super cute Jasmine has a strong future ahead. I mean if Sanjaya can put out a record she definitely can. Chin up!

Of course both of these guys could have been saved by an unanimous judge decision. But seeing how it's the first week with the top 13 the judge's 'big save' will have to wait. EVEN THOUGH JORGE DID NOT DESERVE TO GO HOME. In fact, I think I might have to call shenanigans, might make me feel better...SHENANIGANS!!! Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not calling shenanigans on the show, I'm calling YOU out America. The judges were not fair in their comments and ya'll just fell in line -- way to go.

On to happier things...like the O.G. Idol herself Mrs. Kelleh Clarkson!
It was nice to see Clarkson once again grace the AI stage. She is obviously the best idol eva! Regardless if you like her music she is the only one who has come to be a huge success. With that said she looks a little bigger. It's not a bad thing! It's good to have some cushin for the pushin.
We love ya Kelleh!

We have reached the part of the competition where the advertisers can't help but push their product to the ultimate annoying level, effectively turning the top 13 contestants into corporate whores. These commercials are terrible but usually at least a bit funny. This week the car ad was simply unbearable. Really? Real creative Fox, making the contestants life size and projecting them on to buildings is OK, but that's it? At least have them awkwardly pretend act in these ridiculous ads. Watching them sing with 'tudes on the side of a skyscraper does not inspire be to buy a car -- but that's just me...

American Idol: Kitten Edition!!! Part II

Last week we met the first half of the field in a critically acclaimed cute kitten spectacular and this week we're upping the ante with a two parter that will introduce six more super kitties plus a wild cat! These kitties promise to be cuter, crazier and cuddlier then those from last week and they are as serious as adorable kittens are capable of being! On a slightly sadder note we regretfully announce that one of last week's stars Tiger has contracted feline HIV and will be put down. Now, THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL KITTEN EDITION!!!

7.

Say hello to lil' Manticore everyone! This little ball of precious is named after her big brother Manticore the Siberian tiger who famously stood up for tiger's rights everywhere by attempting to bite off the head of one Roy Horn. I think this little fella should stick to biting the heads off dadylions for now!

8.

How about this little tiger! Guess what? AIKE (American Idol Kitten Edition) has a blindy too! That blurry guy in the background is his bro who helps him out ... and from time to time IN to trouble! Look out balls of yarn blindy's a comin!

9.

Stop the presses! How'd this fella sneak his way in? I think we just found the Sanjaya of the group. This is definitely not a kitty, not funny and doesn't even really resemble spider hole era Saddam. I don't know how the Google let this one slip by but I'm not one to question its judgement.

Tacos y Burritos....tacos tacos

I was totally scared and sickly exciting with the prospect of Tatiana Del Toro making it into the top 12. But after hearing her talk tonight I realized I just have not been exposed to her craziness of late. Thank you judges for sparing us or maybe robbing us from countless Crazy Horse personalities. She can sing though. It was annoying how the judges had to coddle her. Don't blame them tho, if craziness has taught me anything it's you can never too careful. They were just insuring they will live to see next weeks show.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obviously I am totally happy with the return of Anoop Dawg. I love this 90s obsessed Indian. He's been a favorite of mine since the first time I saw his coolots clad audition. My only advise is to try to expand your song picks to a time frame longer than 10 years. Good luck man!

For the most part the wild card round went well. My only qualms is with Megan. I want to like her. I loved her in auditions because she is original and has an interesting voice. However, she is way too nervous and it gets in the way. She can't move on stage to save her life. Judges say, "Wasn’t the best vocal but here’s the deal, we stopped being judges and started licking assholes."

Next week top 13!
I cannot wait. Hopping to see a little more of this....

Go Lambert!
(not really)

American Idol: Kitten Edition!!!

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I'm totally in your head, America!

I guess the third time's the charm cuz I SO nailed last nights three finalists. To be fair, Lil and Scott were pretty easy calls and I guess Jorge's spice and flare was enough to make America stop the sun from going down on him (although a blow job from the sun would be undoubtedly mind-blowing).

As for the Wild Card picks - yes a few of the hopefulls got robbed (most notably Felicia Barton and Ju'Not) in favor of "quirky" crowd-pleasers like the polarizing Tatiana Del Toro and inconsitant Von Smith, but people that are crying foul on the (not) new format and uttering murmurs of jump the shark are simply retarded.

I may wax further on this subject over the weekend in the Idol off time. I feel that the "fans" are needlessly calling out the show for basically doing what it has always done. Also for the record, I trust the judges more than the American public (sorry guys) and how can you cry about Tatiana getting into the wild card round when you didn't cry when Taylor Hicks won the whole goddamn thing!? Talk about jumping the shark. Ugh. Anyway, more on this shit later.

Thoughts on Wild Card round after tonight. Here are my official picks, kids...

Megan Corkrey
Anoop
Matt Giraud
(possible spoilers: Tatiana, Ricky, Jasmine)

Oh goodness....

First and foremost I'm crushing on Alex "nerd alert" Wagner Trugman. I have to admit I was crushing on him from audition week! What can I say I have a weak spot for nerds, Indians (from India) and youngsters.

Poor Alex! He did an ok job, we all know he can sing and I think if he didn't growl so much he would have been better off. It was his worst performance and I don't think he'll make it through but like I said, I be crushing on him hard! I wonder what it would be like to go shopping with him...

+

Gentlemen...
The rest of the guys did well for the most part. Scott and Jorge are the best in the group. Kudos to Jorge for singing a great song. From what I heard over my singing he sang like a little angel. Zen Jorge. I like that AI is doing its part in taking Attorney General Holder's suggestion and talking about race. However the entire scene became retarded. Give me a break judges! You are on live T.V. pull it together.
Ju'not did not need to make Delilah any slower. Jamal did it better in Hollywood week and should have been there, not necessarily instead of Ju'not but Nate Dawg for sure. MEATLOAF!? Good god man. MEATLOAF! Aww! Who’s my little karaoke buddy!? Heed some advise and close your mouth. You are starting to scare like Von Smith. I am a small girl with a very delicious turkey leg and I don't need AI contestants trying to eat it. If your intentions were to never eat my leg, I hope it's not too late to apologize. I get a little bit nervous from past experiences.

Lil Rounds is obviously the best out of all period. Sorry ladies, you got the short end of the stick when you were placed with this one. She didn't even have to promote her self in the song, but I liked that.

Ladies...
For the most part you all did terrible. Kristen was the best out of the rest. Felicia and Arianna can sing but decided to scream instead. Kendall - well let's just say there will be no alligator dance tonight. I really have nothing to say about Taylor except she was crying before the judges said anything. That says enough in itself.

Well it all comes down to you America. Do me proud and send my crush through...

Top 36 Part 3 - the revenge

Last night we were treated to more poor song choices, wasted potential and mediocrity but here's the good news - it was the best group so far! Although there were a good amount of duds there were fewer of the heinously low points of the past two weeks and, dare I say it, actually a couple of high points. Let's get down to the grading process, shall we?

Von Smith

Showing a bit more restraint than in previous outings, Von turns in a respectable but thoroughly forgettable performance.

Grade: C-

Return of the Colossal Beast

Takes a shot at Alicia Keys' "If I Aint Got You" and misses the mark, turning in an overtly boring product. She followed that up by messily devouring eight human toddlers.

Grade: D+

Alex Wagner-Trugman

Falling somewhere in between Anthony Michael Hall in 16 Candles and John Cryer in Pretty In Pink, Alex was sadly missing a Molly Ringwald to his spastic nerd - achieving only the title of "Anti-Joy Ramone" by sucking ass and awkwardly knocking over the mic stand.

Grade: F+

Ariana Asfar

Blows it in just about every way possible. Horrific song choice. Horrific execution. I guess its back to babysitting the elderly for little Ariana.

Grade: D

Ju'Not Joyer

Takes a perfectly good uptempo song and ruins it by needlessly turning it into a ballad, much to my chagrin. That said, he sings his version well but will undoubtedly be lost in the shuffle with the wild card round as his only possible respite.

Grade: C+

Kristen McNamara

Pornstar-in-training, Kristen does a serviceable but totally karaoke style job covering Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason", which isn't that surprising providing the fact that she is a karaoke host in her normal life. Probably has little-to-no shot at making it through which is a bummer cuz I think she's totally hot.

Grade: C+

Nate Marshall

What can be said about this crying, spineless douche that hasn't already been covered on the show itself? His song choice was sketchy at best and his predictably awkward rearrangement of "I Would Do Anything For Love" successfully edited the song from around 9 minutes to around a minute and a half, but that's about it. Laaaaaaaaammmmmmeeeeee.

Grade: D-

Felicia Barton

Although Felicia appears to have lost some weight since the early audition rounds, she still has the look of a world class fellatio artist. She has a great voice as well and sings well but due to the song choice the whole affair is a little over the top and shouty. Still well above most of the field.

Grade: B

Blindey!

Scott sings a lame adult contempo song (who's his advisor - Anoop?) fairly well. He will get through due in equal measure to Simon's Jedi mind trick and America's collective guilt.

"you WILL vote for the blind guy, America."

Grade: C+

Kendall Beard

Country musics last hope on the Idol stage turns in a thoroughly disappointing turn. Good luck in the wild card round, cowgirl!

Grade: D+

Jorge Nunez

Latino Heat brings us easily the best male performance of the evening with his near perfect rendition of the huge song "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me". Will he have enough ethnic flavor to battle past the blind master AND Simon's insidious mind control powers? We'll find out tonight.

Grade: B+

Lil Rounds

Like we didn't see this one coming. Lil kills it and assures herself an easy ride into the top 12, dashing the dreams of every other girl in the group in the process. This is what Idol is all about, people! Black chicks with big asses and bigger voices wiping the floor with a potent concoction of shattered dreams and wasted potential.

Grade: A-

My official picks are as follows:

Lil Rounds
Blindey
Jorge Nunez
(possible spoilers: Felicia Barton, Ju'Not Joyner, Kristen McNamara)

Don't fail me, America. Not again. Not now.