Thank God For LA...

Los Angeles swooped in like a cool breeze over a hot fatty. Everything from the judges to the contestants stepped it up in LA. American Idol has finally arrived!

This summer the Crooner and I graced the Rose Bowl with our glorious selves. We didn't know what to expect but we came prepared with food, drinks and cigs. However, we didn't count on the heat, my god the heat! The sun was out and we left the sunscreen at the store. Though we left full, quenched and with nicotine we also had the worst sunburn of our lives.
I can't speak for the pale skinned Crooner, but my brown ass has never seen or felt anything like this! I thought I was doing myself a favor and wore a tank top, but what I didn't realize I was offering up my skin to the sun demons. To this day I cower in fear when I see direct sunlight.

Along with crispy skin we walked away with a better understanding of how the audition process works. As the buddy of an auditioner, I was there to offer my support and gawk at the young and weird. There was teenagers as far as the eye can see, all there with their teenage-minded mothers and most walked away disappointed.

LA presented us with 2 guest judges, Avril "I was born with these fangs" Lavigne and Katy "coke throwing" Perry.
Both were unlike any guest judge I have seen. They both were brutal at times, they were not afraid to offend and I noticed they both are slangin' Proactive on the commercial breaks. I'm unsure if this is a normal thing for guest judges to be in the adverts because I usually skip them.

Avril irritated me a bit, especially when it came to the critique of Jim Ranger, worship pastor. He doesn't need life advice from someone who was famous at 16. You may have already been married and divorced but that ain't no thang!
Kara jumped on the skateboard and agreed with Avril because she can't help but try to connect with every GJ. I think they were just freaked out watching a worship pastor sing. I have to admit, I was too, but you can't stomp on a man's dream just because he loves the Jesus (or cause you're bitter!). He can actually sing, and write better songs than the shit we saw from Kara last year.
What's a worship pastor anyways? I think Ranger should consider changing his title to War Pastor. Way better. Waaaaaay better.

She liked 28 year old Mary Powers (not to be confused with Mary Powers and Powers of Light) and so did I. Avril showed she was pleased by flashing her fangs and complimented Powers on her raspy voice, "it was punk rock and I liked that." I like punk rock too Avril! I just didn't realize black make-up and clothes + raspy voice = punk rock...

Enough of that, on to Katy Perry, an unexpected hero.
Katy is brutally honest and hated the 3 little judges for arriving in a helicopter. I waited for her brutal honesty to pour out to the judges but it was a no go. However, I soon was satisfied when Katie and Kara started to bicker like an old married couple. I guess Katy can't handle Kara's jabber for very long. Eh, who can!? The GJ was making sense, you shouldn't send someone through because you feel bad or whatever. I wanted Katy to douse Kara's mouth with coke but I guess she ain't brutal, just honest.

Andrew Garcia



This guy can sing, regardless of being a dad with gang-banger parents and married to the drummer of Murderland. His sob story needs some work but his voice does not. Simon was all over this boyz nuts, I think he is getting nicer as the year progresses. Dabbing in the nostalgia early Simon? Or is this kid just that legit? In Kara's own words, "I really, really like you." Really Kara? Really? Are you serious!?

Overall Great Show! Thank you Los Angeles. I love you.

Tonight AI hits Dallas with Neal Patrick Harris! Here at IT we always knew someday NPH will be a part of AI in some way. After all, we are genius innovators. Don't remember? Take a look back to a post by our good friend Jesco back in April. You will see NPH in all his glory.

It Might Be Too Late to Apologize but It's Never Too Late to Post!

Greetings my SONS! We are but hours away from tonight's LA audition show! But first let me brake down last weeks Orlando auditions for ya!

One day only guest judge Kristin Chenoweth became instant besties with Kara. I was digging her at first but then she left and, like the Crooner said earlier, 3 judges are better then 4. The 3 judge dynamic works better for the following reasons:

1. Less pointless jabber
2. The judges get into a "groove" and start to make sense
3. It prevents Kara from molesting guest judges
But seriously, it works better with 3.

Now, on to the contestants!
Let me start with black face Lady Gaga, Theo Glinton.


Unfortunately, BFLG did not make it to Hollywood week. I guess he is as he said, "in the bottom three." Well Theo, you may be in the bottom three but you are at the top in both Seacrest and my hearts. Jewels - $3.00, white feathers - $0.29, glitter - $1.oo, Seacrest tenderly removing said items from BFLG's face - priceless. Just in case you missed it here it is.



Jarrod "Oh good Lord what was that?" Norrell
This guy.
His voice warm-ups include making bee and car sounds, maybe he should have tried sirens! This lazy talkin' backwards hat lost his shit when the judges told him he can't sing. And man, he can't sing! I can barely make out the words that stubble out of his mouth. Yes, beeboy, they are serious. Randy wore his shirt just for you, he seriously hears you and he ain't acting like you can't sing. We all know you can sing, it's just that you can't sing well, at all. The AI goon squad had to handle this joker when he refused to leave the audition stage. I posted the youtube video below so we all can enjoy the sounds of a cat stuck in a lawn mower....



Let's hope this week will bring us a better stock of contestants. Folks that can actually sing! and more that get arrested. Enough of this mediocre malarkey!

Tonight LA Auditions! Keep reading for our exclusive insider's scoop from the inside the steaming hot Rose Bowl.

Better Late Than Never: Banned in Florida!

Sorry for the delay, kids! Here is last Wednesday's roundup to hold you over 'til more AI goodness comes your way tomorrow! Enjoy...



After a totally underwhelming trip to Chicago, AI packs it's bags and heads for sunny Orlando, Florida - home of legions of retired geriatrics, steamy swamps and more theme parks than you can shake a dead gator at. Would it prove more fruitful than Tuesday's episode? The answer comes back: a resounding "kind of".
While Orlando did offer up a few good singers and some genuine head cases, it still felt decidedly underwhelming. Guest judge Kristin Chenoweth, an impish pixie with ample spunk, a lesbian crush on Kara and a horrific glare that would make werewolf Michael Jackson avert his gaze, brought little to the table and evidently was as bored as I was, making a hasty exit (stage left, even) after day 1, not to return. Honestly, I was slightly relieved not to have to stare into the eyes of the devil during the second half of the episode, and the dynamic of the "old school" three-person judging panel was a welcome breath of fresh air.

holy shit! look away! LOOK AWAY!!!!!!

I did enjoy the fact that, once creepy eyes bailed, the remaining judges decided to send through a bunch of people seemingly on their comedy value and dramatic potential alone. Because of this, at the end of the day, Florida yields a bunch of singers who don't really stand a chance at making it past Hell week but will certainly make said week more interesting. Here are some of the highlights...

Maybe drum machines DO have souls...

This silly bastard did an almost indescribable rendition of Come Together that was more spastic beatboxing than actual singing. Scoffing at the comparison to Idol alum Blake Lewis (who's head would surely explode upon hearing this guy's incomparable skills) he is immediately dismissed by Simon (obviously, as the Brits are not known to suffer beatboxing gladly) and Randy, but Kara convinces the Dawg to send him through, much to my delight.

Ouch!

This dude evidently studied the art of dance under the watchful tutelage of male strippers. Unfortunately, years of training do little in the face of poorly made jeans and an ill-advised sag as Cornelius Edwards here does an epic split which ends in a tragic case of indecent exposure (and what appeared to be an impromptu DIY vasectomy). Fortunately, the judges seem more impressed by silly displays of rampant idiocy than vocal talent at this point and he gets sent through to Hollywood. Honestly, if the pants hadn't split this guy would have gone home. Thanks, the Gap! Your cheap sweatshop labor just got Cornelius a golden ticket!

Somebody ate their Flutie Flakes

This dude has an autistic son and a pretty good voice. Seriously though, the sob stories this year are really weak. Like, really. Having an autistic kid could actually work to your advantage. Ever seen Rain Man? Fuck Hollywood! Take that little sucker to Vegas, baby! Anyway, my prediction is that this dude narrowly escapes Hell week only to be lost in the shuffle of the preliminary elimination rounds as his voice is good but doesn't stand out.

Palsy Face!

Speaking of sob stories that aren't really sob stories, here we have Shelby Dressel who can actually sing fairly well... out of the side of her face that isn't dead. In all honesty, Shelby would probably make a better supervillain than American Idol and might be well served to rock a Phantom of the Opera style half-mask when she preforms, but her story is more inspirational than sad and she gets sent through to Hollywood. If she just sticks to singing Billy Idol tunes she will go far as America loves a freak and Idol only ever sang out of half his mouth anyway.

Bayou Billy goes to Hollywood

This guy was the final auditionee in Orlando (at least according to the Idol editors) and comes to us fresh off a four-year stint in the poky for holding up a liquor store with a bee bee gun (proving that the criminal he most looks up to must be Clark Griswold). After singing a bit, the judges simultaneously imbibe his cock and nutsack, calling him "brilliant", "genius", "the best we've heard", etc. Personally - I don't get it. He was okay. Just okay! Certainly not deserving of the ridiculous accolades draped upon him by the gushing judges. I felt the same way about Danny Gokey last season. He just sounded like a slightly better version of Taylor Hicks to me but the judges ate him up like a dog at an all-you-can-eat poop buffet. Maybe you just have to be there or something. I dunno. One thing I do know is that this dude looks like he'd be more at home wrastlin' gators than crooning in Hollywood. Maybe he can somehow do both, in which case I would definitely change my tune and vote for him unconditionally.

So that was about all that really caught my attention during the Orlando round of auditions, making last week one of the most disappointing in recent AI memory. This week promises to be a step in the right direction though, with auditions landing in Los Angeles and an IT special report - pulling back the curtain on what the process is actually like! That's right, dear readers, we were THERE!!! Stay tuned. Shit's about to get real.

Chicago Only Donates 13 to the Hellweek Mayhem!

Last night I sat down prepared with a Pepsi throwback. I felt like a real life judge but cooler with a superior cola drink, but I digress. As I watched the AI auditions, in one of my favorite cities of all time, I found my expectations not met. There was some good talent and some really awkward folks, but dull compared to the retardedly long episodes of last week. Perhaps we are just desensitized to it all...

Chi town guest judge, Shania Twain, was a pleasant surprise. I thought she would be like her music, superficial, meaningless girl power malarkey. To my astonishment, I found Mrs. Twain to be somewhat vicious compared to guest judges of the past. She was like, "no bro" a few times, and with no remorse! You go Shania Twain! Way to lay the smack down and kill those fragile dream of the weird youth.

I was a bit taken aback with Shania's obsession with John Park. According to the country music star, Park has a beautiful bottom, nice lips and a good head! Girl, you dirty!

Charity Vance grew up in the real life Steel Magnolias, minus the severe diabetes I hope!


Both of her parents are hairdressers and work side by side, everyday! When Charity is not auditioning for AI she's obsessively bleaching her hair and slanging Christmas albums with her mother on an Asian website. Good for you!

Meet Paige Dechausse. She almost died from an asthma attack 6 YEARS AGO! These sorry attempts at sob stories are getting a bit ridiculous! It's OK if someone is "normal" without an interesting back story. Any-who, she sounded out of breath and just OK. I found this video Hot and Nasty. Unfortunately, the only nasty thing about it is the horrible camera positioning. She sounds better in this video. I can't wait to see her and her inhaler in Hell Week.

Angela Martin Is Back!


Finally an old school sob story I can get behind! This is the 3rd time A.M. has auditioned for AI. This poor girls father died a few days before she left for Hollywood. Then she gets a warrant for a traffic ticket and can't go on in the competition! Pull it together A.M! You can do it! Soon you will be driven around in a Ford something or other. All you gotta do is shamelessly sing about how great it is! Simon loves this girl! He liked her so much he physced-her-mind-made-her-booty-shine and jokingly said no to her audition! Oh Simon, you so crazy!

Yes we can't sing very good!

This week's first foray into auditionland brought Idol back to the windy city with decidedly disappointing results. First of all, with premier week out of the way the show has returned to it's traditional hour long format. While a 60 minute show is obviously less gratuitous, last nights ep seemed positively meager in the wake of last week's 210 combined minutes of karaoke goodness. Add to that the fact that the "bad" singers were, on the whole, less hilariously insane and the "good" singers were mediocre at best and you get an episode that had me on the verge of flipping over to the new iCarly movie on Nickelodeon. In the end I stuck it out with Idol as I have an obligation to this web log and I was already recording iCarly to my DVR.

So with that let us dive head first into the shallow end of the talent pool...

Worst. Sob story. Ever.

Your parents are getting a divorce? That's your sob story? Please. That is easily the sorriest attempt at soliciting sympathy unleashed upon America thus far. Despite the producers trying to paint the situation as a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, Simon immediately makes light of it when Katelyn here enters the audition room, proving yet again that the British have no souls. She can sing okay so she makes it to Hollywood whilst setting the bar for Chicago success markedly low.

Float like a butterfly, sting like some big ol' titties.

Here we have the spectacularly deluded Amy Lang who looks to me like that ugly chick from Glee if she had eaten the rest of the Show Choir. She starts her performance by doing a sort of prat-faint that scares the judges and nearly brings the building down, only to spring up and launch into a cartoonish version of Dr. Feelgood (no, not the one by Motley Crue. Unfortunately.) Her tits end up being more talented than her as she shows off a move which she calls the "boob flex", Kara dubs "boob boxing" and I refer to as "the next great thing in fatty porn". She does get some bonus points for freaking out Seacrest by way of describing to him his starring role in her "first celebrity sex dream". Yikes.

If you promise not to cross the streams I'll sing Swanee!

Behold! Gozer the Destructor! He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. Evidently someone at the Idol auditions chose the form of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in black face! That's way scarier (not to mention more hilariously racist) than a giant Slor, believe you me. Instead of the usual wanton destruction and inevitable apocalypse though, Gozer seems intent on singing in a silly falsetto and sending Simon and Randy into hysterics. I guess no crossing of the streams will be necessary. Better luck next millennium, Gozerian!

This is my rifle, this is my gun...

This guy, one Brian Krause (not to be confused with the impossibly dashing movie star of the same name), is seriously reminiscent of Vince Denofrio's character in Full Metal Jacket. I was half-expecting Simon to abrasively inquire about the nature of his "major malfunction", leading to a tragic murder/suicide via well-smuggled sniper rifle right there in the audition room. Unfortunately this did not occur. What did occur, you may ask? He sang Tiny Tim's timeless classic Tip-Tow Through The Tulips and managed, against all odds, to make it creepier than the original. Nice try, Private Pyle.

No steak for you!!!

This is Harold Davis. He wants very badly to be a star. Mostly, it seems, to improve his diet. He is heard to remark "I'm tired of eatin' microwave dinners. I wanna eat steak!". After his talentless yet strangely unfunny performance, I think we can all agree that Harold is gonna be stopping by the Pick n' Save on his way home from the audition and heading straight to the frozen foods isle.

Idol Assassin

Doesn't this dude look like he should be the villain in a kung fu movie? Like Simon killed his brother and after years of training he has infiltrated Idol, posing as a singer, with deadly intent. How awesome would it be if he made it all the way to the finals and just as Seacrest was announcing the winner, dude buries a shuriken smack dab in Cowell's windpipe, throws a smoke bomb and disappears without a trace - leaving Kodak Theater security, the Fox brass and the American viewing public scratching their collective head? Pretty fucking awesome. Oh, dude's name is John Park and he can sing pretty okay. He makes it to Hell week. Revenge is as good as his.

See what I mean? This weeks episode was seven shades of boring. Hopefully tonight's trip to the Sunshine State will prove more fruitful. Speaking of fruit, I will leave you with an image straight from the troubled wet dreams of Amy Lang...

oh, Seacrest! Your homoerotic cavorting has got me all a-twitter!

Brett Favre's pants hit the ground

For those of you that haven't been following the NFL postseason (read: pussies), here is a bit of awesomeness from yesterday. After thoroughly face-raping the "hottest team in the playoffs" (the Chokesville... I mean Dallas Cowboys), ageless silverfox Brett Favre lead the victorious Vikings in a rousing rendition of the recent Idol sensation - General Larry Platt's Pants on the Ground.
Evidently Favre did this because he had "promised Percy" (NFL offensive rookie of the year, Percy Harvin) that he would, proving that Harvin, Favre and the rest of the Vikes are obviously American Idol fans and therefore the best team in the league if not the history of sport. I knew I should have sung Skol Vikings at AI auditions! Oh well, hindsight is 20/20.
By the way, did you guys get a load of that wicked ass slap that Brett lays on Jared Allen? Hot.

Mary J's Laughter is like Little Butterfly Kisses for the Ears

Good-day my good people! I hope this blog finds you well. The second, slightly less long AI episode, taking auditions to Atlanta gave us the highly talented artists Mary J. Blige as guest judge! Finally someone who can actually sing.

Ahh Mary J! What can I say? One day, Mary J. was feeling down and let all her frustrations and pain out in a mall karaoke-type booth, the next thing she knew she was making albums. True story. As the second Paula sit-in, this lady was great. She wasn't afraid to tell contestants that they were no good, she gave solid feedback to those who would listen (ahem, Lamar Royal) and she did her best to keep her laughter under wraps. And if her best wasn't very good, who can blame her?

Laughter is kind of like breaking the seal during a night of drinking, once you start peeing you're in the privy every 20 minutes. Who broke Mary's seal? None other than death dodgin' hillbilly extraordinaire Jesse Hamilton. Again, you can't blame poor Mary for almost dying of laughter in the presence of this poor guy. Kara didn't help the situation either, trying to convince the hapless Hill Bill that Mary was upset. I would comment on the fact that this attempt to pass ridicule off as heartache is more insulting than the ridicule itself but who are we kidding? That's like calling a baby ugly - he don't know what you're saying!

Mary's judging style is a cross between all of the current judges. She laughs in the face of bad singers, tells them to bounce and gives good comments when someone can actually sing. She doesn't say mo-tarded shit like, "I want to know what it's like to go shopping with you" or "I like you." By the way, lots of people like me, if they ever went shopping with me they would hate me! So in all seriousness, how do either of those comments belong on Idol? I know I'm harping on last years shit but come on! Then again, I can't sing so maybe she is right.

I must say I do feel refreshed after AI 2010 week 1, don't you? That 3.5 hours of musical mystery hit the spot. The parade of hippies, hillbillies, child sister-brides, costume crazies, Italians and weak sob stories brought a raging joy back into my life.

All in all this week was not just quality but high quality! Though the sob stories were MIA for the most part (the only real one was the best friends forever girls who will no longer be best friends forever because the hotter more talented half is on her way to Hell week -- where she will fail!) there were definitely priceless people, both who can't sing and who can. To be honest I was somewhat relieved by the lack of sob stories this first week. Last season was bridled with sob stories of every persuasion to exhausting effect. America has had enough lamentations!

A few of my top pics from week one are as follows, in no particular order:

Clown Prince of Atlanta, otherwise known as Skii Bo Ski, reminds me of the Genie from Aladdin. Along with having a strikingly similar jawline, it seems Clown Prince also has genie-like powers. After all, Creepy Crooner's wish did come true.

I also really dug Leah "religion stole my youth" Laurenti. I thought she sounded great through the sobs. I found a youtube video she posted today, for your enjoyment.



I just want to satisfy ya!? Love me now or ill go crazy? Someone call the police, this lady has broken free from the chains of ridiculous religious restraints and is poised to "go wild"!

Well it seems the video posted above is no longer working so here is her audition. I like her, especially after listening to this again.



Last but certainly not least is bridge jumpin' lady hillbilly, Vanessa Wolfe. Love it. Like the Crooner said, you can't get more authentic than Vanessa Billy. However, comparing her to Corkery is grotesque! She is nothing like that one note wonder. Take it back Crooner, TAKE IT BACK! I hope she survives Hweek to live another AI day. That is my wish Clown Prince, let it be known!

That's all for now my sons, as I am off to do some research in Las Vegas. I hope to come back with interesting tales from sin city, oh wait...

It's a real authentic-like hillbilly jamboree, y'all!

That's right! The only thing that Hillbillies enjoy more than fightin', cousin-fuckin' and bridge-jumpin' (evidently) it's playin' music! So grab yer banjo, take a pull off the ol' moonshine jug and git ta hoin' down, folks!
Seriously though, this year's jaunt through the infamous ATL was so rife with clodhoppers you could smell the pungent and unmistakable combination of white lightnin' and B.O. two cities away! And even if there were really only like two or three yokels that made it onto the actual episode, their unadulterated authenticity more than made up for it. So with that, let us begin the roundup with someone who is not technically a hillbilly but is at least half as idiotic as one...

Lady, I forgot to take my meds...

This gentleman is Dewone Robinson. He seems like a nice enough guy and he is evidently a song writer. He is not, evidently, sane. The original piece he performs is called Lady We're Not Together Any More and it is quite bizarre to say the least. He shifts laboriously between a silly falsetto, a sillier bass and an abrasive baritone, prompting Simon to brand the piece "one of the worst original songs I've ever heard." Dewone attempts to plead his case but Kara is coldly dismissive and ultimately the unbalanced young man departs leaving the judges, as well as the viewing public confused, angry, sad and horny (but not necessarily in that order).

Miss Tragic Overbite 2009

Next we are treated to Keia Johnson who has a background in pageantry, a good voice and an overbite that makes her look as if she was drawn by Matt Groening. She sings what she refers to as "the Titanic song" pretty well and her big pipes get her to Hollywood. Simon thinks she'd be better suited as a lead in Oklahoma. I think she'd be better suited as a can opener.

Speaking of unfortunate mouths...

Brace Face!!!

the cavalcade of dental horror continues with Noel Reese. I can't presently remember what she sang (as she was shown in one of those three-person montages that the AI editors have become so fond of) but she makes it to the next round. Honestly though, I can't really see an Idol with braces. I just don;t think I could take her seriously as an artist, the fact that I have never taken any of the Idols all that seriously as artists notwithstanding. Also, I'm usually creepily attracted to chicks with braces but Noel just looks too much like a girl that would have been in your drama class in high school and terminally annoyed you so no dice there. Sorry, dude. I predict a Hell Week departure.

The Chosen One

In every generation there is a chosen one. He alone will stand against the mediocre pop, the boring redundant R&B and the forces of darkness. He is the Slayer.

Seriously, you would think this dude (one Jermaine Sellers) was about to throw down with some demon scum and save the world from inevitable apocalypse the way the judges were jizzing all over him. Randy says "this kid is hot, Simon", Mary refers to him as "anointed" and Kara freely imbibes his nutsack (after obnoxiously singing along with his audition). He does have a good voice but he ought to, being a professional church singer and any enjoyment I might have gleaned from his bit was utterly decimated by the inclusion of I've Got a Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, causing me to vomit uncontrollably for ten minutes and miss the next few auditionees.

4-11: Never Forget

After cleaning up an impossible amount of sick, I returned my attention to the show just in time to catch uber obnoxious "tv host" Christy Marie Agronow. I stared in horror as she tried hopelessly to brand a silly hand gesture meant to advertise her show (which is called 411 the show and is presumably just as annoying as its host) and vocally shat on the Pat Benetar classic Love is a Battlefield. The judges were brutal with Kara chiming in with the perfect punchline: "it is, girl. it is." You can't write that shit!

I'm goin' ta Hollywood? On an Air-o-plane? Y'all are cereal?

While all the buzz on ye olde internete today is centering around General Larry Platt and his fashion critique-turned-viral video, the real gem in last nights episode was trashy-hot bridge jumpin' backwoods babe Vanessa Wolfe. This chick is far and away the most authentic hillbilly ever captured on television. Everything she says is a yokel cliche, she hails from the smallest town in Tennessee (like, literally the smallest town) and she always wears a bathing suit under her clothes just in case she happens upon a bridge well-suited for jumpin'. She says of her life in tiny rural Vonore, "not much to do... so I jump the bridges" and "I don't really have a life. I don't gos to the movies or the mall or anythin'" (after saying the last line she begins laughing like an idiot child, adding exponentially to the effect). There is basically nothing I can really write here to adequately describe the awesomeness of Vanessa or her segment, but unfortunately I don't see her going all that far. She has an old-timey country vibe and a raw vocal style that I dig but something about her is reminiscent of last season's Megan Corkrey, and while I championed Megan early she was ultimately a huge disappointment. At this point I am officially rooting for Vanessa to be the next Idol. Don't let me down, lady-hick! Get on that there air-o-plane and go show Hollywood how to get down hayseed style!

I Have Seen the future of porn and it's name is Holly Harden

I mean, really? Her real name is a porn pseudonym! Holly Harden? Are you fucking kidding me? Despite the fact that she is dressed like Bootsy Collins I can't look at her without imaging a huge cock in her mouth. She actually gets sent through to Hollywood. Mary doesn't get it. For the record, either do I. I predict that Holly ends up out on her ass during Hell week but finds her way instinctively to the San Fernando Valley, becoming the next Traci Lords.

The Invincible Simpleton

Accident-prone but seemingly invulnerable Hillbilly, Jesse Hamilton has reportedly come uncomfortably close to death on three separate occasions (by way of fever, gunshot and moving vehicle respectively) and currently makes a living in the low-risk field of welding. The powers that be at Fox decided to treat Jesse's near-tragic past with what could be considered the opposite of reverence, turning it into a series of slapstick vignettes to mildly amusing effect. He proceeds to actually die (in a less literal sense however) by slaughtering a Garth Brooks tune and becoming the butt of various jokes and wise cracks provided by the judges other than Mary J., who can't ebb her maniacal laughter long enough to provide a quip.

Clown Prince of Atlanta

This dude was wild. He presents himself as more of a concept than an actual person, explaining the unstoppable force of nature that is Skii Bo Ski (inexplicably misspelled as Skiboski on his custom-made shirt) and puts on a show that must be seen to be believed. As soon as this guy was introduced I started making arcane offerings to the Idol gods in hopes of securing him an unlikely place in Hollywood. Once he sang I thought there might be a way outside chance that the deities heard my plea as his voice was fairly powerful if a little unwieldy. Simon was not a fan but the other three put him through and there was much rejoicing (on my part anyway). I seriously can't wait to see what kind of madness Skii Bo Ski unleashed during Hell week. And as some skinny hippy douche once said, waiting is the hardest part.

Cop Rock!

Oh shit! It's Johnny Law! Hide the weed, Mary J.!!! Oh, he's off duty? He's just here to audition? Oh, it's cool then. ATL police officer Bryan Walker may look like Zippy the pinhead and he may represent "the man" but he sings pretty damn good and he fills the role of "blue collar hero" character way better than Michael whatsisname from last year (although rest assured we can expect to be reminded weekly of his valorous occupation if he makes it past Hell week). Basically Bryan sounds like Danny Gokey if Danny Gokey hadn't completely sucked bloody asshole. I expect J. Law to go far and bring us many worthy performances. Let's just hope none of them turn out like this...

actually on second thought, let's hope they DO!

Security! Security!

If anybody ever told you that manic depression is no laughing matter they were dead wrong, and Lamar Royal here is living proof. He does a horrific opera version of Kiss from a Rose and is quickly taken to task by the judges. He refuses to take their constructive criticism, interrupting constantly with varying degrees of rage and sadness. He even makes to storm out of the room on several occasions, only to return and haplessly plead his case some more. In the end we get the season's first look at the AI goon squad who show Mr. Royal the door but would have been better suited to show him the way to the nearest mental asylum. He ends up spouting profanity and switching haphazardly from murderous anger to sobbing depression and back again out on the street, finally (and tearfully) giving us the quote of the night: "I wish Paula was here." Who doesn't, Lamar? Who doesn't?

Larry Platt - Internet Sensation

What can I say about the General Larry Platt that hasn't been virally spread on the Internet for the last 20 hours? By now I'm sure that all of you have downloaded Platt's catchy condemnation of modern youth fashion as your new ringtone or some such nonsense so I'm just going to say good work, General. You have given us the best original Idol piece since You are my Brother by that weird Asian dude in the fur coat. We'll see you in the season finale.

For those of you that don't remember the aforementioned original song, enjoy:

and that just about does it for the Atlanta roundup, kids! Stay tuned for JB's review of Mary J., a best and worst of the week special and more from Idol Threats! I guess I will leave you with a little more Cop Rock 'cause why the hell not? It's fuckin' Cop Rock!

End of an Era...

First Paula, now Simon; seems like the only dawg left in the pound these days is my man Randy J.  Well Idol, you've done me right over the years and I say go out on top.  Don't let the execs at FOX turn you into another programming zombie like the Simpsons, yes it's alive but the flesh has been dead for years and it feeds on the rotting brains of the dim witted and the slow.  Simon, be the big crazy Indian who throws the sink through the window of opportunity and run for freedom!  or at least the chance at even larger and more obscene sums of money than you already make.  There's really not much else to say, for a show like my beloved Idol, only song can do it justice...



Peace out my dogs.

AI Boston: Wicked Awesome like a Bastahd

"Sully's mom always said he was talented."
"That bitch is a liah."

Last night we all welcomed back into our lives the undisputed heavy weight champion of karaoke smackdowns. For our slower readers out there, that's American Idol. It was a night to reflect on what has come before, to muse wistfully on what is to come, to mourn the loss of Paula (and, of course, begin the "healing process") and to begin a year-long bleary-eyed farewell to Simon. It was also a night to marvel at some brutally reprehensible vocal performances and to gleefully watch the hopes and dreams of delusional sycophants and hapless half-tards smashed beyond all recognition on National television - the proceedings only slightly marred by the unfortunate locale of Boston, Mass.

Maybe the fair* burgh could salvage some of its dignity on the heels of an early and thoroughly embarrassing playoff exit by its beloved Patriots by sending some home-spun talent to Hollywood. Maybe, but probably not. Enough, though, with the speculation! Speculation is for tv psychics and architects. Time to find out who provided the lights (both hi- and low-) in the cradle of idiocy... I mean Boston.


*a term used here in its loosest possible definition.

Video Games ah Wicked Fuckin' Pissah!

Wicked pissah though they may be, hapless would-be contestant Janet McNamara proves once and for all that a viable vocal training tool they are not. Evidently she spent months training with the AI Karaoke Revolution game, charting a meteoric rise from bleating halfwit to bleating halfwit with a high score, winning the favor of the digital judges in the process. Sadly, all this proves in the long run is that video games aren't real and a PlayStation will never replace your birth parents no matter how hard you hug it. Bonus points to Janet, though, for representing Boston more faithfully than any other auditionee by swearing copiously, peppering every sentence liberally with the word "wicked" and nearly breaking wee Seacrest's spine in twade by way of a particularly violent hug.


Ups and Downs

Meet Maddy Curtis. Maddy has 11 siblings and at least 4 of them have Downs syndrome. Now as far as sob stories go, hers is pretty weak (being more of the "inspirational" sort)but when you consider the fact that Maddy's family life would make a wonderfully twisted sit-com, you have to marvel at the potential. Just imagine it - they could call it Ups and Downs and it would be heart-warming, sad, hilarious and terrifying all at the same time. And Chris Burke could guest star! Genius, I tell you. As far as Idol is concerned, Maddy has a nice, if not overly impressive voice and makes it through to the next round. Honestly though, beyond the back story there isn't much there, leading me to predict that her future will be filled with a Hollywood week departure and a gaggle of sad retards (and nothing is sadder than a sad retard).

Chris Burke eagerly awaits a phone call from his agent...

Holla!!!!

Pat Ford "loves to Holler". He also might be the living personification of the word "obnoxious". I'm fairly certain, in fact, that next years Funk and Wagnall's will feature this very photo next to the definition of the word. He also says he has a lot of friends but fails to mention that they are predominantly imaginary. He makes the ludicrous song choice of the Britney Spears chestnut Womanizer and shows it no mercy but strangely seems unfazed by the judges subsequent lambasting. In the end he gets a hug from Kara which in my book is a solid win. Hollywood be damned!

I'm goin' to Hollywood or Seacrest sleeps with the fishes, see?

Thuggish mafia goombah, Amadeo Diricco bursts upon the scene with a skull-busting voice, ham-sized fists to match and a back story segment that could easily be confused with a scene from any number of Martin Scorsese films. I dig this dude (in the same way you dig Tony Soprano - he'd be fun to hang out with until he has you whacked) and although his performance is ultimately a little pitchy (dog) he gets sent through to Hollywood (although I suspect that Kara's mobbed up and had something to do with making sure it happened). Upon emerging in possession of the covetted golden ticket, dude seriously almost kills Seacrest while celebrating abrasively with his paisans and menacingly proclaims: "I'm comin' for you, America!!!". Something tells me we all might be in serious trouble.

Return to Ignorance

The best thing about this blotchy hippie's audition was the inclusion of Enigma's classic Return to Innocence as the backing track to his introduction. Remember the music video? Where they ran the film in reverse and it looked like the fruit was falling back onto the tree? That was some sweet trippy shit! Plus I think it had that Indian in it. You know the one I'm talking about! The Indian that shed a single tear in that commercial back in the day.

Anyway, great video. Great is not, however, a word that describes anything about Derek Hilton or his performance, which was correctly diagnosed as "schizophrenic" by Simon. After being rejected and sent home, Derek remarked that he "could have touched America in a totally different way". I think we should all just take a minute to be glad that we're not going to find out what he means by that.

...

Okay. Moving on...



Super Happy Dream Crusher Fun Time!!!

Behold: Mere Doyle! Self-proclaimed "anime freak" and class A delusional nutjob. No seriously, behold her! She's fucking crazy!

Mere designs her own custom kimonos and longs to be a pop star in Japan (which makes her choice to audition for American Idol something of a mystery). I half-expected her to sing one of those ridiculous 80s pop throwback anime theme songs (like maybe something from the original Bubblegum Crisis) but instead she mercilessly slaughters a Janice Joplin tune to the chagrin of the judges. Oh, did I mention she's batshit insane?

I mean, look at her! I'll bet she's one of those idiots that shows up to Renaissance Faires dressed as an anime character, citing some sort of sci-fi time travel bullshit to explain the rampant anachronism. That said, Mere is exactly the reason we tune in to these audition rounds. She has fully convinced herself that she has potential and the cold hard reality meted out by the judges hits her like Amadeo hits his lady when she talks back. And that's pretty damn hard.

Whoa! What the fuck!? Goddamn, you are crazy, Mere! But as I was saying, we get to see her very hopes and dreams utterly destroyed before our eyes! If that isn't appointment television I don't know what is. To make the situation even better Simon starts contemplating the realistic ramifications of flying to the moon while poor Mere tries in vain to defend her performance. It's moments like these that make me miss the old Brit already. Anyway, that's all for Mere - back to the asylum with you!

Return to Insolence

Well here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the douche bag you've all been waiting for. Andrew Fenion is a negative asshole (at least that's what the editors at Fox would have us believe) that hates waiting and looks like the evil parallel universe version of Michael Ian Black. What's even better is that he comes across exactly like Michael Ian Black playing a character! I actually thought there was an off chance it was Michael Black in some sort of staged bit. At the segment's conclusion I was convinced that Andrew and Michael Black were not the same person. I was less convinced that the whole ordeal wasn't staged.

After throwing some attitude Simon's way, Andrew manages to invoke the wrath of Kara much to the delight of the show's producers. Unfortunately this altercation feels forced, lacking the spontaneous venom (and partial nudity) of last years Bikini Girl debacle and leaving me siding with Andrew - negative nancy though he may be. As an afterthought, his vocals have a strange throwbacky quality that are quirky but likable and it's sort of a shame that this audition was never about talent. It's just too bad that Andrew didn't get another shot as I feel his character could have used some solid development.

Speaking of Ms. DioGuardi, our friendly neighborhood predatory cougar was definitely showing her claws last night. Not only setting her lusty sights on guest judge, VicBeck (as JB has already elaborated upon) but targeting several impressionable youngsters as well. Lucky bastards.

I so want to be the meat in this Kara/Posh sammy! mmmmmm

Let's take a closer look at the cougar's prey, shall we? I think we shall.

This is Tyler Grady - stoner kid, drummer and aspiring Jim Morrison impressionist. He shattered his wrists climbing a tree (evidently he's also a damn hippy. either that or he's actually 8 years old) and now he has titanium arms. Did Marvel's What If? ever do an issue about what if Wolverine was a stoner? If not, we're about to find out. Oh, and Kara totally wants to fuck him.

Here we have Mike Davis who has an entourage of like, 27 people. He actually asks Kara out on a date! At first she dodges the question (obviously thrown off by the younger male taking the initiative) but after Mike returns to his myriad friends and family it is implied that the date is happening. Score, Mike! You are the envy of a Nation. Or me, at least.


There were several other noteworthy performances to come out of last night's show, but alas not enough time to cover them all! So I will leave you with a hefty smattering of my favorites...

Whoa! Some dude in the 80s heard about American Idol and carjacked Doc Brown's DeLorean! Simon aptly dubs the whole affair "too weird".

This chick enjoys hanging out with her demented Grandma and giving boners to pedophiles. Her sob story is slightly better than the chick with the Downs syndrome family but still pretty tame when all is said and done. She has a pretty good voice and makes it to Hollywood, btw.

This poor fucker was tormented mercilessly by the judges for nothing more than their own twisted amusement. They delighted in assuring him a mental complex and mind-fucking him further by sending him on to the next round. Brutal.

Diva-in-training suffering from serious delusions of grandeur. Manages to sing off key and in her full-throated obnoxious accent. Has a ridiculously nice ass. Goes home. Bummer about the ass.

Classic sensitive hippy douche. He plays the goddamn acoustic guitar. Need I say more?

This dude was evidently part of last year's Hell Week sensation White Chocolate. He also had cancer which would be a decent sob story if it weren't for the fact that he got fucking better! Will he reform the group this season? Will he actually make it past Hollywood week? Does anybody care? Didn't think so.

Behold! Lord Gulthar of Cimmeria and his child sister-bride!

This was the last chick that auditioned. She had a horrific repressed churchy childhood and had to like, sneak out of her parents' torture basement just to audition (or something)! She can definitely sing and she's got a jazzy raspy throwback thing going on that I totally dig but she's also all weepy and emotional. She better toughen up quick or she's gonna get eaten alive during Hell Week. Someone should really tell her there's no crying in pop music.

So with that I bid you all a fond farewell until we meet again (which, somewhat obviously, will be tomorrow for the Atlanta wrap-up) I'd say we learned a lot in Boston. Well, maybe not a lot. But I did learn that it only takes five dead bodies to constitute a "massacre". Seems like a pretty weak massacre to me but... At any rate, Stay tuned to Idol Threats all season! We're just getting the proverbial party started - and we haven't even broken out the onion dip yet!