Maybe it's my fault

I have failed. But instead of giving up, I decided to just blog as I watch. Here goes...

I did not like Kara last night! Sick and tired of her damn mouth!

These damn Ford commercials are ridiculous. Glad to see AI took my suggestion stopped the contestants from singing all at once.

Slash is awesome as always. I have always felt close to Mr. Slash but tonight I got closer. I noticed his guitar was like the Goon's and my heart couldn't help but feel greatful for the reminder of my dear daddy Goon. Come home daddy, come home.

Gokey was disappointing last night. The last note was horrible. I'm sure you were laughing. I think you are going home buddy! And that ain't funny.

All my life I have been waiting for Paula to perform on my beloved A.I. but how many times do you have to tell us she is gracing the stage in just the intro!?

Ok, that was awesome. I would have never expected Paula to perform her song to Simon. Apparently she's just here for the music.

Old school No Doubt! Seacrest's 'Hey babe' to Gwen made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm not buying the who going on tour thing just to go on tour. I don't doubt they will make another album but they need money.


Kris with a K safe. Not that much of a shock if you recall a previous blog where I mentioned the power of the teen vagina.

Never been a fan of Daughtry. I think it would be more appropriate if he sang 'I'm Going Home.'

This is how I feel right now. I never thought this was possible but I feel like Ryan Seacrest looks.

Speaking of looks, this is what the top three SHOULD look like AMERICA!!

Way to fuck shit up -- AGAIN!

Nuf said bitches. Peace.

Movie Songs and Tarantino

That's right everyone the big Q Dogg will be on Idol tonight! It's move song week so I guess Q is the man for the job!? I know he's a huge fan of AI, it should be a fun week.

I'm hoping Lil gets a good song under her belt. She needs a good week.
Anoop may also be in trouble, he's occupied the bottom three more times than anyone else who is left. I love you Anoop Dawg but I think this might be it buddy. I hope you bring it my SON!

Lambert will most likely rock opera it out, AGAIN, to some song he will brilliantly scream out for all America to enjoy. And enjoy they will because they don't know any better and the judges are having a hard time with getting their heads out of his booty hole!

I'm looking forward to Kris with a K. He is getting better with every week. At first I wasn't diggin on him all that much but he's steppin it up yo!

Ok kids, AI is just hours away and we will soon see how it all goes down. I hope well, otherwise AI fan Big Q might be upset...

Goodbye Blindy, Goodbye

I do not recall if I called the contestants out for lip singing before but they were. This week they decided to go raw dog and actually sing the ridiculous song the producers chose for the 8 contestants to sing. First off, it's almost always horrible to have 8 'amateur' contestants sing a non-group song together while prancing around the stage. Not that I would prefer the fake singing, that's just as horrible but even more insulting. What I want is either the entire segment canned completely OR live singing to songs that better suit multiple singers. AND each of them have a part of the song. I don't need to see them, or hear for that matter, sing together. Must I once again remind everyone that this is a competition!? An individual competition, so the fact that you can sing with someone else is not important to the show, right? So why are we forced to see these weird minutes of group song time each and every week? I understand the stupid Ford commercial, they are sponsor whores, but what is with this stupid group song thing? It ain't working no mo!

So long Scott MacIntyre, it was a great run. We'll miss you but like Simon said, the sofa held a bit more talent. I give you mad props you for causing Seacrest to be embarrassed TWICE! In case you have forgotten this awesomeness here's a couple of photos to jog your memory.

Here we see Seacrest trying to give Scott a congratulatory hi-five, not remembering Blindy is Blind, Seacrest is left hanging...


Just when he thought the painful embarrassment was behind him, Blindy comes at him with a stationary hi-five. You go Blindy, America Loves you.

P.S. You're brother/lover is a hottie!!!

One of my favorite moments of the night was the awkward one shared between Miss Pickler and Miss Seacrest. Miss P is not the sharpest pencil in the throat, but Miss S totally made that situation confusing for the poor girl! And how rude! Seacrest basically was all, "It's not all about you Pickler! Get out da stage!" I think he was just jealous over Simon's affections. Understandable. Her singing was kinda awkward as well, it seemed that everytime she tried to open her eyes wide then went crossed.

....!!!!!!BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!....

Kelly Pickler just gave birth to a baby monkey! Congrats to the new mom!

Despite boyfriend Bix yelling, "Worst week ever," it was a good week. We are getting down to the wire and only 2 more chances for a save. INTENSE!

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing!

I guess it's that time of year again, the Idoldrums as I call them. Happens every season around this time, the initial excitement o the new season wears off but we're still not quite down to the nitty gritty where fav's are voted off, Paula ups the self medication and some form of scandal sends shock waves coursing through Seacrest's body like a pounding from Moby Dick (the great white penis he is always chasing). Lucky for us a gust of fresh reality has blown in to push us through the Idol's sargasso malaise! I call this mighty wind Top Chef Masters!!! That's right sister! I just went there!!! Bravo announced today the complete details of it's long awaited Top Chef Masters series and it's going to be as Padma said "Totally fucking balls dude!". I concur. TCM starts June 10 and will feature 24 of America's most well known chefs. The judges will include all the past Top Chef winners, Neil Patrick Harris, the writers from "Lost", some other people and some other people also... other then NPH I don't really care. Set your DVRs mother fuckers, this shit is on!

Oh Baby: Season 8 top eight '09!

This blog is written in real time. Real time as the time I'm watching it, not the HBO show or originally aired (but close).

Kara - 1970: Nice babysitting me comment. Nice way to lay blame on Simon because you happened to be an ugly baby. Paula and Simon are clearly the best looking babes. Kara's attempt to be funny but it's just not working. Lay low for awhile, give me time to like you again...

Gokey - 1980: That is a family full of cheese and so is this version of Stand by Me. Stand by Me meets disco, meets Gokey, meets kiss ass judges, meet next week. His voice is getting a little whinny for me. Since when is a bad arrangement a good thing? I'll give it an OK.

Boyfriend Bix - 1981: was completely shocked when Simon told Paula, "I can't stand you." I however, thought it Simon's true feeling about Gokey's cheese. I hear you Simon.

Kris with a K - 1985: Oh no! Got better towards the end. The arrangement was awful! He's a hottie, he ain't goin nowheres.

Lil Rounds - 1984: Finally she picked a decent song but it was weird. I love that Lil gives good responses to Seacrest and non favorable judge comments.

Anoop - 1986: I was digging the intro, nice way to stay true to the theme of the song. That made it special just like a rainbow. Oh and they are right, never apologize. It's too late anyway...

Blindy - 1985: He plays the guitar! I've heard him sing this song before, every fucking week. I think it's time he goes home. I kinda over the nervous Mikey Mouse laugh. It was pitchey dawg...pitchey.

Allison - 1992: Great song! A single tear has collected in my eye. I want her to win! Paula got it right on! Allison and Matt G should be in the finals.

Matt - 1985: He sounds so much like J-Tim and I liked it! Like I just said, finals! The judges have been told to keep it short! HaHa. I told you Kara talked too much.

Lamby - 1982: Ironic he was born the same year as I. I find it kinda funny and kinda sad that American Idol contestants who ripped off other artist original remakes of songs get mad props.

BTW - 19??: Respect for Simon has just dropped to the depths of hell. How dare you stand up! Allison and Matt blew Lamby out of the water! I call shenanigans!

Put a Cork in IT!

We are down to the Top 8 and boy, what a goofy 8 they are. The last weeks in March we lost Alexis and Megan, leaving only 2 females to battle it out with the boys.
In case you missed how Megan left the Idol stage....



Thank God squawking, arm flapping, I sing everything the same Megan Joy is out! I could hardly stand her squawking like a bird any longer! Though I started out liking Megan, her recent show of personality turned me off completely. I especially did not appreciate her lack of interest in getting the boot. Megan, you should have kept your childlike faces and movements to yourself and then maybe, MAYBE you could have walked off that stage with some respect.



Speaking of respect, Kara is loosing mine. I mean, some of her comments puts Paula's to shame. Actually since Kara has joined the AI team o' judges Paula has really stepped it up. It is clear she remembers all the songs each contestant has sang and that is a difficult task if you are on a truck load of pills like we all suspect. I must say I'm becoming an Abdul fan. Go Paula!

Back to DioGuardi, her comments are not all worthal, some of them are decent. The major problem is in presentation. It's always a good idea to think before you start talking. I'm a victim of this, I know how it goes. You start to say something and realize you lost direction and in an attempt to save yourself you keep talking, as you search for the right words that will magically make all that you said make sense. Take some advice and just stop flapping those lips when this happens. We will all be better for it.

This week we will see the contestants perform songs from the year they were born. The breakdown is as follows:

Gokey - 1980 Lamy - 1982 Lil Rounds - 1984 Matt Giraud - 1985 Kris w/a K - 1985
Blindy - 1985 Anoop Dog - 1986 Allison - 1992

I'm looking forward to this some rockin' 80s this week. Especially can't wait for Lamby to do himself an injustice by turning yet another song into a rock opera. Let's see you do something else dude! I get it, you can sing real well but really? REALLY!? Change it up son. I supposed you wont this week. I can see it know Lamby screaming the shit out of I love Rock 'N Roll or Tainted Love. I'm holding my breath for Maneater.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Mike Murder Grossly Neglects IT

Hello people, again I would like to apologize for the lack of posts of late. I thought since the last time Mr. Murder posted was March 5th, he would have least did this blog justice and posted something! Here's another statistic speaking to Murder's negligence: the Goon has posted American Idol Kitten Edition 1 and 2 since the last time we heard from the Murder man.

I guess I will just have to carry this blog on my own, and hopefully an occasional hilarious Goon post will pop up.

Though I am extremely busy at the moment I will do my best to stay on top of this from now on. I'll post again before the night is through with an over all update on the AI front. We'll go over the ridiculousness surrounding Megan's departure, the 4th judge and much much more. Oh and of course I have much to say about my dear friend Lamby. Stay tuned kids!!!

Randy Travis is Bad Ass

Over all this week disappointed me. For the most part everyone did well, the songs sounded OK. What went wrong was, once again, the song choices. There are a ton of great songs to choose from yet they picked contemporary country artist, Carrie Underwood and the like. Should have thought old school bro-hams!

Lamby
HA HA HA! This boy is just proving my point, week after week. This should have been performed at a stage show somewhere, anywhere else. I was constantly thinking he was about to take his clothes off! This is country week dude, not drama academy. Quick study Paula! QUICK STUDY!? It is very apparent that his boy has been on the stage for a very long time. Come on Randy Jackson, this shit ain't young, fresh or hot. It's Ghey, and most definitely not AI worthy. Let's do this America! Send this boy home!

Sarver blew it for me and not in a good way. It was painful to watch because the poor boy let his nerves get the best of him. Violently shaking hands, mic taping and a ton of words is a receipt for disaster.


Kris with a K
Boring! He sung it well but it was boring and not memorable. It was a bit monotone for me but I still have to agree with Simon and I can see now that he MIGHT have a chance in this competition. I understand tender-dawg was trying to showcase his vocals but it was boring, and boring can mean a ticket home.

I am so glad we have the added wisdom of Kara. If she wasn't there we may have not thought that Allison could sing the alphabet and still sound great! Wow, her insight amazes me week after week.


Lil' Rounds
Started out rough but when she hits the high notes she got into it and started singing the shit out of it. Still it was a weird song choice. Kara, you are right, she did do what she felt but she felt wrong! You are giving props for a bad decision! Get wit it woman! And you know you could have done better when Paula starts talking hair styles and clothes.

Blindy
(I am going to start calling him this because my cohort does. I really feel bad and disagree with the usage of this word and, though Mr. Murder does not force me to use this term, I must do what's best for the blog.) Boring and I have to agree with Simon, bad song choice. This is country people. Get crazy and have some fun. Goodness!


I loved how they had Ryan stand in a still mosh pit, they totally did that so they can shoot him from above so baby Seacrest doesn't look like me standing with the Harlem Globe Trotters.

Alexis Grace
Nice that she picked a Dolly Parton song. I have been saying for weeks she reminds me of her, minus the gigantic boobs. Judges you crazy!

Gokey!
Way to completely mess up in front of Randy Travis, btw. He does well when he sings girl songs. Bix pointed this out to me, he likes this because he tends to like female vocalist more. I tell ya, you learn something new everyday living with this guy!

From zero to hero in no time flat! Anoop Dawg is back. Still boring for me though, I am surprised the judges loved him so much. Anoop is definitely sexy hot but this performance was boring. Judges, I disagree!

I have not been a fan of commenting on contestants outfits, however, Megan was wearing a sweet dress, props powering through while sick. Glad to see her weird twists were stifled by the sickness.

Matt again, good job at being boring.

Oh and contestants, please stop with your brave excuses and lame attempts of saving face because you are actually being silly when you say the song is really about "this" or "that." NO! It is about doing your best to win the fucking competition. SO, from now on listen to what the Judges have to say and reply with a thank you and a smile. Keep it simple and stop annoying me -- please.

America You Have Done Wrong

I would be lying if I said I can accept Jorge going home, sweet home. On the other hand, I'm totally happy that Anoop Dawg is still in. The true fact that I am absolutely keen on Anoop does not blind me to the fact that between the two, Jorge should have gone through. This upsets me America, you have stirred a deep conflict of emotion within my soul but if this is what you want -- so be it.

As for Jasmine, not surprised. She can sing really well but not well enough in this crowd. Slain again with another bad song choice. Luckily the 16 year old super cute Jasmine has a strong future ahead. I mean if Sanjaya can put out a record she definitely can. Chin up!

Of course both of these guys could have been saved by an unanimous judge decision. But seeing how it's the first week with the top 13 the judge's 'big save' will have to wait. EVEN THOUGH JORGE DID NOT DESERVE TO GO HOME. In fact, I think I might have to call shenanigans, might make me feel better...SHENANIGANS!!! Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not calling shenanigans on the show, I'm calling YOU out America. The judges were not fair in their comments and ya'll just fell in line -- way to go.

On to happier things...like the O.G. Idol herself Mrs. Kelleh Clarkson!
It was nice to see Clarkson once again grace the AI stage. She is obviously the best idol eva! Regardless if you like her music she is the only one who has come to be a huge success. With that said she looks a little bigger. It's not a bad thing! It's good to have some cushin for the pushin.
We love ya Kelleh!

We have reached the part of the competition where the advertisers can't help but push their product to the ultimate annoying level, effectively turning the top 13 contestants into corporate whores. These commercials are terrible but usually at least a bit funny. This week the car ad was simply unbearable. Really? Real creative Fox, making the contestants life size and projecting them on to buildings is OK, but that's it? At least have them awkwardly pretend act in these ridiculous ads. Watching them sing with 'tudes on the side of a skyscraper does not inspire be to buy a car -- but that's just me...

American Idol: Kitten Edition!!! Part II

Last week we met the first half of the field in a critically acclaimed cute kitten spectacular and this week we're upping the ante with a two parter that will introduce six more super kitties plus a wild cat! These kitties promise to be cuter, crazier and cuddlier then those from last week and they are as serious as adorable kittens are capable of being! On a slightly sadder note we regretfully announce that one of last week's stars Tiger has contracted feline HIV and will be put down. Now, THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL KITTEN EDITION!!!

7.

Say hello to lil' Manticore everyone! This little ball of precious is named after her big brother Manticore the Siberian tiger who famously stood up for tiger's rights everywhere by attempting to bite off the head of one Roy Horn. I think this little fella should stick to biting the heads off dadylions for now!

8.

How about this little tiger! Guess what? AIKE (American Idol Kitten Edition) has a blindy too! That blurry guy in the background is his bro who helps him out ... and from time to time IN to trouble! Look out balls of yarn blindy's a comin!

9.

Stop the presses! How'd this fella sneak his way in? I think we just found the Sanjaya of the group. This is definitely not a kitty, not funny and doesn't even really resemble spider hole era Saddam. I don't know how the Google let this one slip by but I'm not one to question its judgement.

Tacos y Burritos....tacos tacos

I was totally scared and sickly exciting with the prospect of Tatiana Del Toro making it into the top 12. But after hearing her talk tonight I realized I just have not been exposed to her craziness of late. Thank you judges for sparing us or maybe robbing us from countless Crazy Horse personalities. She can sing though. It was annoying how the judges had to coddle her. Don't blame them tho, if craziness has taught me anything it's you can never too careful. They were just insuring they will live to see next weeks show.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obviously I am totally happy with the return of Anoop Dawg. I love this 90s obsessed Indian. He's been a favorite of mine since the first time I saw his coolots clad audition. My only advise is to try to expand your song picks to a time frame longer than 10 years. Good luck man!

For the most part the wild card round went well. My only qualms is with Megan. I want to like her. I loved her in auditions because she is original and has an interesting voice. However, she is way too nervous and it gets in the way. She can't move on stage to save her life. Judges say, "Wasn’t the best vocal but here’s the deal, we stopped being judges and started licking assholes."

Next week top 13!
I cannot wait. Hopping to see a little more of this....

Go Lambert!
(not really)

American Idol: Kitten Edition!!!

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I'm totally in your head, America!

I guess the third time's the charm cuz I SO nailed last nights three finalists. To be fair, Lil and Scott were pretty easy calls and I guess Jorge's spice and flare was enough to make America stop the sun from going down on him (although a blow job from the sun would be undoubtedly mind-blowing).

As for the Wild Card picks - yes a few of the hopefulls got robbed (most notably Felicia Barton and Ju'Not) in favor of "quirky" crowd-pleasers like the polarizing Tatiana Del Toro and inconsitant Von Smith, but people that are crying foul on the (not) new format and uttering murmurs of jump the shark are simply retarded.

I may wax further on this subject over the weekend in the Idol off time. I feel that the "fans" are needlessly calling out the show for basically doing what it has always done. Also for the record, I trust the judges more than the American public (sorry guys) and how can you cry about Tatiana getting into the wild card round when you didn't cry when Taylor Hicks won the whole goddamn thing!? Talk about jumping the shark. Ugh. Anyway, more on this shit later.

Thoughts on Wild Card round after tonight. Here are my official picks, kids...

Megan Corkrey
Anoop
Matt Giraud
(possible spoilers: Tatiana, Ricky, Jasmine)

Oh goodness....

First and foremost I'm crushing on Alex "nerd alert" Wagner Trugman. I have to admit I was crushing on him from audition week! What can I say I have a weak spot for nerds, Indians (from India) and youngsters.

Poor Alex! He did an ok job, we all know he can sing and I think if he didn't growl so much he would have been better off. It was his worst performance and I don't think he'll make it through but like I said, I be crushing on him hard! I wonder what it would be like to go shopping with him...

+

Gentlemen...
The rest of the guys did well for the most part. Scott and Jorge are the best in the group. Kudos to Jorge for singing a great song. From what I heard over my singing he sang like a little angel. Zen Jorge. I like that AI is doing its part in taking Attorney General Holder's suggestion and talking about race. However the entire scene became retarded. Give me a break judges! You are on live T.V. pull it together.
Ju'not did not need to make Delilah any slower. Jamal did it better in Hollywood week and should have been there, not necessarily instead of Ju'not but Nate Dawg for sure. MEATLOAF!? Good god man. MEATLOAF! Aww! Who’s my little karaoke buddy!? Heed some advise and close your mouth. You are starting to scare like Von Smith. I am a small girl with a very delicious turkey leg and I don't need AI contestants trying to eat it. If your intentions were to never eat my leg, I hope it's not too late to apologize. I get a little bit nervous from past experiences.

Lil Rounds is obviously the best out of all period. Sorry ladies, you got the short end of the stick when you were placed with this one. She didn't even have to promote her self in the song, but I liked that.

Ladies...
For the most part you all did terrible. Kristen was the best out of the rest. Felicia and Arianna can sing but decided to scream instead. Kendall - well let's just say there will be no alligator dance tonight. I really have nothing to say about Taylor except she was crying before the judges said anything. That says enough in itself.

Well it all comes down to you America. Do me proud and send my crush through...