WTF, America!?

Last night we bid farewell to the foursome pictured above. All I can really say to America is "what the fuck were you thinking?"

It's not so much that these four were good - they weren't. It's just that there were a handful of contestants that were worse. Like, WAY worse. All the preteen girls that voted for Tim Urban because he made their genitals tingle ought to be thoroughly ashamed of themselves and their burgeoning unfocused lust, and how Gozer and her literally unlistenable rendition of Landslide snuck through is way beyond me.

Also, why the fuck do they make the eliminated contestants sing? Wasn't it bad enough the first time? Isn't that why they got the boot? What kind of sadistic schadenfreude are people getting out of watching A-Rod tearily croak her way through Happy again? I guess that's why God invented the DVR fast forward button.

We can only hope that the remaining 20 singers learn from their myriad mistakes and actually make this thing interesting next week, otherwise we'll likely be treated to another round of "arbitrarily kick off four random singers cuz everyone sucked".

Boy's Just Wanna Have Fun

First off, Fox be fuckin' up! How dare they interrupt my AI viewing with news and such! On behalf of the IT reader I object! Though, I guess it's OK cause the boys also be fuckin' up,
for the most part.
Oh the Boys! Well I guess some of them are men, but I digress. The top 12 "men" displayed more of the same, bad song choices, bad moves & so-so sounds. Again we were semi-tortured by strategy-less contestants and too many judges opinions - that were all the same, for the most part. But I digress, here is my take on the boyz:

Todrick Hall

Since You’ve Been Gone

The arrangement was good at first but then it got weird. He definitely made it his own and sounded good at times. Simon was way too rough, I think we will see him again next week.

Aaron Kelly

Here Comes Goodbye

And here we go! Judge-ball-lickin' time! It seemed to me Seacrest has a thing for Aaron, he's one of the only contestants that doesn't tower over him, love at first sight. He can sing well, though he's awkward on stage and when I look at him I am generally annoyed. Song choice? Here comes boooring!

Jermaine Sellers

Get Here

Sucks. Almost painful. Had too much confidence for such a shitty performance. More like Get Me Out Of Here, I agree with Simon, not good at all, he might go home tonight. I don't think Seacrest wants him back, standing next to Sellers made Ryan look even littler. Ryan no likey!!

Tim Urban (not to be confused with Keith Urban)

Apologize

Ummm...It’s too late to learn how to sing high notes, buddy. This guy only has two facial expressions: “I’m sorry” or “I’m surprised”. I again have to agree with Simon, his looks might carry him through, but he needs to go home. Dear Mighty Teen Vajaja's - Don't do it, he's just a boy...

Joe Munoz

You and I

Yet another boring song, no bueno. Scarf, no bueno. Mexican vote? Muy Bueno!

Tyler Grady

American Woman

Style and persona? Yeah he’s good at imitating the 70s rocker, way to be original yo. I want to shove his limp hand down his throat so I don’t have to hear his shitty karaoke voice and see his gimmicky rock imitation. POSER! (literally)

Lee Dewyze

Chasing Cars

Started out good but then it sucked. Good song choice but he fucked it up. Sounded forced. I don’t like him. Simon, WTF? He needs to be chased outta Hollywood! I agree that so far it was the best performance but that ain’t sayin’ much. THADDEOUS!!!!!

John Park

God Bless the Child

I liked the loungey arrangement but I didn’t like his lows and too many runs. He might go home. I guess it wasn't so easy peasy...

Big Mike

This Love

He needs to loose the guitar, it makes him awkward on the stage and I think he could have sung the song better without it. He sounded like he was out of breath a little. But I still like him, one of my favorite guys. He shall survive!!!

Alex Lambert (not to be confused with Adam Lambert)

What a Wonderful World

19-year-old high school student? Huh? I wanted to fast-forward this song - at first. I’m not a fan of this guy and it started off bad but when he got into it. he sounded a little better. He's still a weirdo and I don’t like him. He has potential and E was right on with her banana theory, way awkward. I want him to go home or get a haircut.

Casey James

Heaven

I want to be in his heaven -naked. I have always thought he is one of the only good guy singers (and the hottest), and after last night, he might be one of the best in the top 24. Great song choice! FINALLY!!! His voice wasn’t buried in music like the others and he choose a song that not only showcased his strength but one that called to million vajajas across this fine nation. I think we have a contender here people!

Side Note: Kara – way to be professional. Judges – way to be professional.

Casey – way to be hella hot!

Andrew Garcia – the happiest emotional

Sugar We’re Goin’ Down

Duh. Obvi he is really good. Great song choice and interesting arrangement, maybe not the best arrangement but you can't sing Straight Up all the time. I disagree with the judges, he sounded astounding compared to many of the other contestants. We will see him again next week, fer sure!

Top 3 guys - Andrew - Casey - Big Mike.

A Quick Judges Overview:

Too many comments for me to stomach. I found myself wanting to fast forward through their musings, but I didn't for IT reader's sake. I hope all 3 of you appreciate my sacrifice! I'm tired of them saying, "you have a good story and you're ass is fine, so we might see you again next week". Give me a break! This is a damn singing competition and so far hardly any of the top 24 contestants should continue. I hope next week they will be better. After all, we deserve it.

Girls! Girls! Girls!

With Hell week come and gone and only 24 singers left standing, Idol has finally gone live and we can get down to the serious business of pure, unadulterated karaoke smackdownery. Why is it, though, that this round is always such a trainwreck? The performances tend to fluctuate between disappointing and infuriating as contestant after hapless contestant make song choices that are absolutely criminal and fail to live up to their respective potentials.
This year the pressure has been alleviated somewhat since last season's more brutal (and exciting) format has been jettisoned for the kinder gentler elimination process of season 7, but that is no excuse for some of the stinkers that were laid upon America last night. Simon has gone on record saying that the chicks have it in the bag this year and the mighty vag got the opportunity to flex it's labia first (the evidently hapless boys are up this evening) to mostly unsatisfying results. But enough of this tedious generalization! Let us take a closer look at what the ladies had to offer:

Paige Miles
All Right Now
This chick has a good voice. Decent control, good tone and a fair amount of power, but this song is all kinds of wrong for her. Trying to soul up a straightforward arrangement of a classic rock tune with a low key hook is an exercise in futility but she will survive to sing again.

A-Rod
Happy
Reaches for a huge song and fails miserably as the selection completely exposes her weaknesses and does her strengths no favors, sounding awkward and pitchy throughout. Randy, Ellen and Kara try to tell her this without hurting her feelings and come off sounding lame. Simon tears her down, aptly calls the song "clumsy" and thinks she's in trouble. I think he's right.

Janell Wheeler
What About Love
Why does everyone seem to choose a horrible karaoke song in this round? Seriously? wtf? Boring straightforward arrangement, sloppy execution and vocals that aren't up to the challenge add up to 10 lbs of bad in a 5 lbs bag. Despite all of this, Simon uses the Jedi mind trick to spare her elimination. Maybe because she's hot? I dunno. I can't figure this one out.

Big Grey
Fixing A Hole
Big Grey (who seriously dwarfs Seacrest) kicks off a Beatles block and gets bonus points for being the first girl to pick a song that is good for her and actually bring something somewhat original to the table. She has a sort of pitchy flat quality but it doesn't really work to her disadvantage but its all still a bit awkward and I can't really see her winning it all.

Katelyn Epperly
Oh! Darling
Hey! That was the song I did at Idol auditions. Honestly, I'm pretty sure I did it a little better. If only my dad had recently picked up and left! Oh well. She actually does a serviceable, if safe and predictable rendition but fails to include the little falsetto flourish and therefore cops out. Strictly middle-of-the-road fare.

Haeley Vaughn
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
She gets bonus points for going with old school Beatles and the arrangement starts out interesting but the performance borders on screechy at times and the vocal is all over the place throughout much of the song. There are, however, some nice parts here and there. Evidently Haeley goes to POOTER High. Seriously? That's not a joke? Jeezus.

Gozer the Destructor
Landslide
Wow. Really really terrible. She somehow manages to sound more like a bleating goat than Stevie and more nasal and obnoxious than Billy while exhibiting horrible time and questionable pitch. Kara tries to use the Jedi mind trick but she is no Jedi. Sorry, Goz. Looks like the end of the line.

Michelle Delamor
Falling
This chick is the epitome of "solid". She churns out a very straightforward, predictable version of the song but manages it well, if not as well as Miss Keys. Kara is right though that the whole affair is rather vapid.

Didi Benami
The Way I Am
The song is a bit boring and sounds slightly off-pitch the entire time but I actually dig Didi (and she is still the contestant that I most want to bone) as her voice is a nice combination of conventional and unique. Ellen has a good point though, that this selection sounds more like album filler than a breakout hit.

Siobhan Magnus
Wicked Game
Resident weirdo, Siobhan is revealed to be an apprentice glass blower. Of course she is. It's also even money that she owns several corsets and frequents ren faires. Her song choice is strange but she actually pulls it off. The judges, however, are going to hound her until she pulls something out on par with her day 4 hell week performance. Guess you shouldn't have set the bar so high for yourself, Magnus. Still, she has what is probably the best voice of the bunch and a lot of potential.

Crystal Bowersox
Hand in my Pocket
She is good and the song suits her hippie vibe but it isn't a particularly impressive or original affair. Fortunately for her, the one-woman-band act is enough to make people remember her and secure her a position in the top 12, barring some sort of epic crash and/or burn in the second or third round of prelims.

Katie Stevens
Feelin' Good
Little Katie has a lot of potential, none of which was on display last night. Every year someone decides to sing this song despite the fact that it is completely wrong for them. This year that person is Katie who kind of awkwardly moans her way through the vocal and does some silly dance moves. Hopefully America will give her a chance to "be 17", as the judges implored.

Next up: Fina's take on the top 12 guys round 1! Stay tuned...

The Good, The Bad and the Tonedeaf - Our take on the Top 24

Aaron Kelly

Mike: Elliot Yamin meets David Archuleta in a dark alley with a double-sided dildo and a jar of mayonnaise.

Serafina: I like this kid. However, he forgot the words! What about the rules, JUDGES!? I know one kid who never forgot – THADDEUS JOHNSON.

Jesse: Holds the mic like a dick.

Alex Lambert

Mike:despite the emo haircut, this dude is no relation to Adam Lambert, who would not be caught dead with a ukulele.

Serafina: Lame. Loose the ukulele and loose the name. LAMBERT IS ALREADY TAKEN AND YOU AIN’T AS GOOD AS HIM MY NON-FRIEND! I predict and hope we loose him in the first few rounds.

Jesse: Not Adam Lambert, still pretty gay.





Andrew Garcia


Mike: ghetto fabulous.

Serafina: He'll be in the top 10, “Straight Up!”

Jesse: Jason Mraz of the Mexican Mafia.






Ashley Rodriguez

Mike: every time I watch her sing I can't help but think about how she could easily fit like, four cocks in her mouth at once. That maw is huge!

Serafina: She coo. She also fine!

Jesse: Down’s syndrome? No. Prostitute? Maybe.






Casey James

Mike: can his steely eyes and roguish good looks take him all the way? Probably not (see: Jason Castro, season 7) but at least this dude can kinda play guitar.

Serafina: One of the top contenders for the guys. He’s one of the better singers but he’s also hot, and like last year, we know the vajaja’s rule the world. He’ll be stickin around if he don’t stick it in Kara first!

Jesse: Probably doesn’t listen to slayer. Fag.





Crystal Bowersox

Mike: will easily win over the tie-dye and birkenstocks crowd but will have trouble making her vintage sound "current".

Serafina: Yellow teeth will soon have white teeth cause this hip hippie will go-all-the-way. Maybe not the next American Idol but top 10 fer sure!

Jesse: Country, no. Rock, no. Sandwich, yes.





Didi Benami

Mike: she's pretty good and she's totally cute but this picture makes her look kind of like a strung-out pug.

Serafina: One of my favorites. I like her voice and her story; she just needs to stop the sobs.

Jesse: Not-so-quiet desperation. Bangable.






Haeley Vaughn

Mike: she may have an extraneous "e" in her name and a super scary grill but I'm rooting for her 'cause America needs more black chick pop-country artist, damnit!

Serafina: She’s alright. She might soon be the next Tiger Woods of country music but she wont be the next American Idol, I guarantee it!

Jesse: Black, so I assume she’s good.






Janell Wheeler

Mike: I honestly don't remember this chick. what did she sing? anybody? oh well. she's pretty hot I guess.

Serafina: Didi and Janell are about the same for me. However, Janell is more confident, therefore, I believe she will outlast Didi.

Jesse: The secret of her success? Seamen.





Jermaine Sellers

Mike: I like this guy, despite his unfortunate religiousness. Do you guys realize that the only male black Idol is fucking Ruben!? Obviously this needs to be remedied immediately.

Serafina: Thaddeus Johnson’s version of “Man in the Mirror” was better. I have nothing else to say.

Jesse: Interesting take on black faux hawk.





Joe Munoz

Mike: again, I don't remember this guy at all. Did they even show him during Hell week? He looks like the kind of guy that will sing lame adult contempo songs a la Anoop.

Serafina: I predict a similar fate as last year’s brown guy.

Jesse: Everybody loves Raymundo? Terrible mustache.






John Park

Mike: I'm still not convinced he isn't in deep cover on some secret Yakuza assassination assignment.

Serafina: Easy Peasy Japanesey

Jesse: Probably Korean.





Katelyn Epperly

Mike: thoroughly underwhelming.

Serafina: Great hair! Curly is always the best!

Jesse: Loves Unicorns. They’re delicious.




Katie Stevens

Mike: sassy, cute and a set of pipes to boot! She has the creepy internet predator vote in the bag.

Serafina: One of the best! The girls are tough this year but I think she is one of the ones to beat. Plus she has her Alzheimer Granny. A sick relative is always a good sign for an AI contestant. Remember Dave Cook? Need I say more? No?

Jesse: Too young to be bangable? Nah.




Lacey Brown

Mike: she lost a sing-off last year to Megan Corkrey. That certainly doesn't bode well.

Serafina: I like her. She’s not as annoying as she looks. I think she might go far.

Jesse: Striking resemblance to Gozer the Gozerian.







Lee Dewyze

Mike: Taylor Hicks meets Chris Daughtry in a dark alley with a double-sided dildo and a jar of mayonnaise.

Serafina: Sucks so bad. SO BAD!

Jesse: Terrible name. Absolutely terrible.







Lilly Scott

Mike: her quirky jazzy voice doesn't stand a chance against the proverbial "big dogs" in this year's comp. Basically she is just the more competent, less hot version of Megan Joy.

Serafina: Big Gray is fine by me!

Jesse: Albino mass murderer? Probably.







Big Mike

Mike: I can't help but root for this lovable lug. Even after dropping a brutal suplex on Ellen he is still the most likable contestant of the bunch.

Serafina: Did I ever mention along with a healthy attraction to Indians and young boys I also enjoy big jolly black men? Well I do.

Jesse: Enjoyed his work in The Green Mile.






Michelle Delamor

Mike: sorry, Michelle but I don't really remember you either except that you were the only girl in Faith that didn't get a solo. Maybe I should do less drugs. Probably not though.

Serafina: Ehh... A Rod is cuter.

Jesse: Lil’ bit Janet, Lil’ bit Whitney.








Paige Miles

Mike: represents the "great black hope" as the only African American female not singing pop-country. Can she redeem the spectacular failure that was last year's Lil Rounds?

Serafina: Who? She was barely on this week, so how am I supposed to know? Simon thinks she’s better then she knows, but maybe she thinks she sucks...

Jesse: This name seems backwards.







Siobhan Magnus

Mike: wow. her name makes her sound like a character from a novel that liberally mixes high fantasy with dry, boring sci-fi.

Serafina: Ugliest singer of all time, she sounds OK though, just looks like it hurts a lot.

Jesse: Unrequited love for Jesus.








Tim Urban

Mike: unremarkable. except for that helmet of hair! jeezus! how much aquanet is in THAT thing?

Serafina: He’s OK. This Michael J. Fox look-alike has great potential, just don’t fuck up.

Jesse: Between Hanson and Jonus. Mmm… nope.







Toderick Hall

Mike: theater guy with more stage presence than the rest of the field combined. If a dude wins this year it will be him. That said, a dude probably won't win this year.

Serafina: This trained dancer and untrained vocalist is tops on my list! When I hear his name I think of a building full of vampires and violins, I think it’s a good thing...right?

Jesse: Best or worst name? Not sure.







Tyler Grady

Mike: great. now we have to endure more of his goofy faux-60s wannabe rock n roller shananigans. We can only hope he pulls an actual Jim Morrison, gets shit-faced during a live performance and pisses all over the 14-year-olds in the front row.

Serafina: Another q-t.

Jesse: Death by autoerotic asphyxiation likely.