These auditions are making me thirsty!!!

What the fuck? Is it just me or are this year's audition episodes sucking major league ballz? You'll notice I just spelled balls with a z. That's how bad these auditions have been sucking.

Los Angeles was definitely an improvement over the week 2 Chicago/Orlando debacle, but still a far cry from the classic audition round episodes of seasons past. In fact, I was just watching a season 5 episode on Idol Rewind that was non-stop gut-busting hilarity from beginning to end and all we get this year is douche bags like this guy:

Seriously? So weak! Some sweat-shiny theater fuck? Whatever. What happened to all the zany recurring characters, awesome people in original costumes (where for art thou, banana man?) and hot chicks? For that matter, where are the hot dudes? And for that matter, where the fuck is Paula!!?? Maybe we're just missing her more than we thought we would.

There was one genuinely funny auditionee last week...

Thanks to this bonafide weirdo I am now hip to the fact that pepperoni is currently the most popular sandwich out there. Well done. Too bad he totally gets punked by his "nemesis" (a high note that he has been trying in vain to hit for most of his adult life) and kicks himself out of the judges room before they can even tell him "no". For all those reasons and more (specifically that he practices martial arts but is a devout pacifist) I love this guy and wish him luck in his career as a sandwich artist.


But besides that, all I gleaned from last weeks auditions were that evidently there is a guy in a chicken costume at every city's audition. I spent most of the horrendous Dallas episode contemplating the issue: like, is it always the same chicken costume guy or does each city have their own? Is there a chicken costume guy union somewhere that makes sure they have a rep present at all AI auditions or does Fox provide the chicken men - sending them out from some sort of giant chicken coop in Hollywood somewhere? Perhaps they are not costumed at all but rather freakish human-chicken hybrids born of genetic tampering and bent on domination through pop stardom. And if that is the case, will a human-chicken ever actually make it to Hell week? Beyond, even? If this never happens will the human-chickens eventually rise up against humanity? Or will they just start auditioning for the X factor? More on this later, as I now have a dedicated team of IT interns looking into it.

But seriously, folks, I am about to subject myself to another helping of auditionland monotony as Idol revisits Dallas AND Posh Spice, giving us a heapin' helpin' o' "seen it before". I just want to get on with this madness! Hopefully I can hold out 'til Hell Week without blowing my goddamn brains out or being captured by chickenfolk. Wish me luck, America!

I shall leave you with the saddest spectacle of all: a lonely albino...

cheer up, albino! you're going to Hollywood!