American Idol - shark jumpage alert?

Lately I have been hearing rumblings of AI "jumping" the proverbial "shark", on television, the so-called world wide web and from the mouths of babes. While this is not technically correct as AI has not introduced any wildly out-of-place elements or radically changed it's format to "stir things up", the truth of the matter is simply that this season of Idol sucks huge sweaty Ruben Studdard style balls.

Honestly, seasons 6 and 7 were pretty bad. Kat McPhee vs. Taylor Hicks and rock David vs. obnoxious David were not what I would call high points for the series, but the current debacle that Idol finds itself in makes those seasons look like The Real World season 4 and Top Chef season 2 respectively!

If it wasn't for my commitment to Idol Threats (if I bail out now I don't get my 5 sack bonus and I lose my stock option) I may or may not have bailed from the show by now. Seriously. Things need to pick up. And fast!

After some careful consideration and a lengthy discussion with my "family of friends" I have come to the conclusion that the only thing that can SAVE Idol at this point is a forced shark-jumping. Kind of like when you have the spins after a night of clubbing and you have to pull the trigger and vomit so you can either continue clubbing, pass out or masturbate without getting dizzy, but for a tv show. I have compiled a short list of possible stunts that might have such an effect on AI. They are as follows:

Black Metal night

How rad would it be if one of the themed nights featured Hellkommander Nattefrost as the celebrity mentor and all the contestants singing songs by Mayhem, Emperor and Immortal? Pretty goddamn rad. I mean, Magnus would obviously kill it, Big Mike would look straight Raider Nation in shoulder spikes and who doesn't want to see Tim Urban in corpse paint? Hot.

Naked night

This really requires very little in the way of explanation. Naked contestants. Naked band. Naked judges. Naked Seacrest. You get the idea. Naked audience, you say? Why the fuck not.

Wild Animal night

Imagine how much more exciting this year would be if the kids were forced to perform in a medium sized steel cage (let's say 15' X 20') alongside frequently abused, borderline starved wild animals! Not only would they then have a pretty valid excuse for sucking, but who doesn't want to see Tim Urban get his face eaten off by a Bengal tiger? Hot.

Get out there and spread the word! Write angry emails to Fox demanding these changes be implemented immediately! I have already sent a link to this blog posting to their HQ. Either the show will soon be watchable again or this blog will be slapped with a wet, juicy cease and desist order. Ether way, America wins.

Whatever the case may be, I like our chances against Kennedy. Go IT!!!!!

2 hours of Top 10

I had a nice intro planned for this but my steam blew right out the window with Magnus' screaming. So, I'm just going to jump right into it.

Magnus
Into the Fire
Underwhelming, screechy and not good. The screams need to stop - step away from the Lambert Magnus, step away. Simon is right, really right. Here’s my advice - don’t sing songs bad.

I don't know why Ryan felt the need to ask the judges stupid questions and therefore making them ALL speak AGAIN. Is that causes the show to be 2 hours?

Casey James
Hold On I’m Coming
Did good, I think he needs to loose the guitar and gain a lady preferably a restaurant manager about 5 feet tall with curly hair.

Big Mike
Ready to Love
Usher was prepared and wore sunglasses to avoid falling head over heals for Big Mike, apparently he watched last weeks episode. Big Mike can’t help it, he’s sexy hot. Song - excellent, killed it. Slightly boring but still all good. Agreed with Ellen, it was bomb. Kara is stupid.

Didi
Broken Hearted
OMG - give me a break, I used to be a big fan of Didi but I get more annoyed with her every week. Weird arrangement, "I’ve been searching everywhere just to find my underwear." Performance sucked donkey balls, big ones. Her dress is oogly too. I think/hope she's outta here!
Tim Urban
Sweet Love
Blah... Simon is completely right, hits on what I've been shouting about for awhile. I'm glad he understands and respects the teen va-jay-jay! Tim obvi does, that's why he's laughin his way to the top 5.
Simon: You really sucked this week.
Tim: Haha!
Simon: Worst sound I ever heard a human produce
Tim: Hahahahahahaha the bitches still love me!
Andrew Garcia
Forever
Best performance in awhile. Nice arrangement - Andrew Garcia is back! Finally - did he shake the Lil' Rounds curse? We'll have to wait till next week to find out cause he will be back.


Katie
Chain of Fools
Ehh...Attitude doesn’t mean squint at the camera. Simon is right, again, not the best and not necessarily her niche. My one qualm with Ellen is her constant harping of acting young. Get over it! She is acting like a 17-year-old because she is one.
Lee
Treat her like a lady
In his own words Lee loves "performing a genuine performance"...Give me a break. He sounded good, boring and not original. I might be a hater but I just ain't a fan. I will really hate it if this guy wins.

Ma Sox
Midnight Train to Georgia
Best song of the night. She did seem a little awkward when she got up from the piano, but still did a great job. I get what Simon is saying, she shouldn't change it up too much because she is good at what she does, but I think this was similar enough to her style and worked great.

Aaron
Ain’t No Sunshine
Sounded better when he was singing just to Usher. Totally fell flat the no’s were not "personal" and didn't sound intersting at all. With that said he is still a good singer.

America do this right please. Send either Urban or Didi home! NOW!

Friday's Match

Friday we play Kennedy at our home field (the old high school). Be there by 3:45 at the latest for a 4:30 kick-off. We will be taking a team photo at 4:15. We will be fielding a mixed team (i.e., 5 to 7 varsity players & the rest frosh/soph). Will be a good chance to blend teams together & prepare for next year.

Dead Pop Stars Ruin Careers

Well America, you done right! Although, most of the contestants sucked it up so bad that it would've been hard for even America to fuck up.

So long, Paige! It's too bad she started sucking and failed out of the top 10. Her last 2 performances were very painful to my ever-so-sensitive ears. Horrendous! She had potential but decided to let her love for a dead pop artist stand in the way of her dreams. I say good riddance!

Because Idol Threats brings you, our faithful followers, the latest and greatest Idol news we have something special for you. It was obvi that Miley was into Big Mike. Waaaaay into Big Mike - she was gagging for it if you know what I mean. N E Ways - seeing her wet her pants over that big black man made me curious as to what might be going on behind the scenes. After all, it's Miley, and Miley always goes after her dreams. After hours of digging I came across this....
A multimedia message from Miley to Big Mike:
"Hey Big Mike! It was great meeting you today. I have a few more notes for you. Meet me at my dad's house in an hour so we can go over them. We can get real deep into it, I think it will help out a lot. See you soon 3 (====8 ;D"

It doesn't get much better than this, America. Oh wait it can be way better than this if the contestants stop sucking and start singing!

Be better, top 10 and know that most of you do not even deserve to be there. I didn't want to say it again but I will, cause I do want to say it again.

THADDEUS! Way better than most of these fools!

the karaoke menage a trois continues...

While cruising through Jesco's stash of unusual kitty porn I came across this little gem. I really feel that it semi-accurately sums up season 9 so far. We have three contestants that range from totally passable to pretty badass week after week while the rest of the would-be Idols, a hapless mass of mediocrity, continue to stink up the stage and make Simon wish he had bailed one year earlier.
I was all set to give everyone an individual grade this week, having missed last week altogether, stumbling around Southern California in a drunken haze, but after viewing the episode I can't really justify such a post. So with all that said, here is my take on last night and the unrelenting disappointment that is AI season 9:

Bowersox

B+

Hippie shit but fairly high quality hippie shit.

Big Mike

A

Mediocre song choice. Good execution. This grade is really more for totally making Miley Cyrus cum in her cut-offs just by making eye-contact with her while singing a sappy ballad. So G it's not even funny.

Magnus

B-

Not as good as last week but still easily better than pretty much anything else. Plus, when she wears her glasses, Magnus has a weird nerdy-awkward-hot vibe going on... and she's obviously a screamer. Just sayin'.

The Field

F-

Seriously? The rest of the contestants must have confused rays with beams 'cause they are getting a big fat F minus for their collective trouble. Bad song choices across the board + extreme pitchiness + awkward stage presence = bad episode. 'Nuff said.

It's hard to single out one really spectacularly horrible performance among so much unadulterated drivel, but if I was a betting man I would bet on Paige to be heading home. Brutally croaking her way through back-to-back horrific song choices doesn't bode well. Then again, America is weird. So who knows?

Oooops!

Dear IT Readers,

We apologize for not providing you with the quality reporting you are used to. Last week we were sideswiped by shows, whiskey, jousting knights, a wedding and a birthday. There really is no excuse but that's our excuse.

Here is a quick recap of last week.

Gozer finally went home. Good!

so many hot dudes so little talent.

So what with Blogger being stupid, me being lazy and love being a many splendid thing, I have decided to cram two posts into one this week (kind of like some sort of kinky AI blogging DP). First of all, everyone has seen the boys final week of preliminary performance and has realized that most of these dudes are either blowing it because they are way too ambitious (Todrick) or way too boring (most everyone else). Here, in a proverbial nutshell, is what I personally thought of dudes night:

Lee: still don't get it.

Alex: so-so.

Tim: better than last week.

Garcia: a reach.

Casey James: unremarkable.

Aaron: not doing much for me.

Todrick: still too wacky.

Big Mike: totally kills it.

So there you have it. A whole lotta boring. At least the girls this week had equally spectacular triumphs and failures! This was basically just a bunch of really crumby opening acts leading up to Big Mike's legit performance.

And that leads us to America. How did America do this week? I'm going with average. On the one hand I do believe that Katelyn was super boring and Lilly didn't really belong on Idol but I honestly think Katie will continue to struggle due to lack of experience blah blah blah, and Paige really fucking blew it this week. How that croaky god-awful, make people run screaming out of the theater rendition of Smile didn't punch her ticket home boggles my mind.
As for the gentlemen, I am sad to see Todrick go but can't say I'm really surprised as he suffered from one of the most ill-concieved preliminary appearances in recent memory and even though Adam is arguably better than Tim, Aaron and (in my opinion) Lee, his mild retardation and creepy molester mullet were definitely not hot.

At the end of the day, this whole group is wildly underwhelming with only Bowersox, Magnus and Big Mike truly standing out. Will one or more of the other hopefuls decide to step it up, thus making the comp interesting? Or are we resigned to a three horse race? How many decent songs will be utterly ruined in the heinous group sing segment? Will Jesco's microsoft paint skills improve any time soon? Who's a buddy? All these questions and more (or possibly less) will be answered in the coming weeks as AI kicks into high gear and IT follows behind it picking up little pieces of wasted youth and broken dreams. Stick around... shit's about to get real. Or some such cliche.

And now... the moment you've all been waiting for...

BUDDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how fucking adorable is that shit? So adorable you just came in your pants. Don;t try to deny it, either! That look on your face is a dead giveaway. Until next time, cumpants...

Technical Nuthin!

Tech difficulties?  Not on my watch bitches!


First off, Mike is so not watching porn, that's his day job.  Since this is clearly night time (look out the window you dumb fuck, it's fucking dark out) he is almost certainly comprising his role as Night Man, holding men down and coming inside them.
Secondly, Fina.  If she's hangin' out with Tim Roth I guarantee it isn't wine they're drinking.  It's semen.  Cup after warm, frothy cup of semen harvested from Mr. Roth and his retinue of androgynous pleasure boys.

I on the other hand, am here to service you, the reader.  Mike was wrong when said I was  jogging to Los Angeles, that's ridiculous.  I am riding my recumbent bicycle down, typing this on my new Palm Pixi computerized wireless telephone and answering machine device.  With one hand.  What is my other hand doing?  Masturbating.  See what I just did?  I asked a stupid rhetorical question.  That means I have to punish myself.  I'm running out of nipple clamp room so I guess I'll just choke myself for a little bit.  Hold on...


... OK, where were we? Ah yes, American Idol, the most beloved karaoke/crushed dream porn (similar to snuff porn) show in the televised world!  We all watch the show (well, I watch it mostly because my mom likes it and since I'm a not entirely welcome re-nested child I don't have much say in the picking of TV channels) and know who can sing, who can dance and who can suck the shit out of Simon's cock a.k.a. the fifth judge.  what I'm going to shed some light on tonight is what goes on behind the scenes!  I will shock you with amazing facts such as:
Who makes the robot judges and why the Paula model broke down!
Which contestant from season 8 was impregnated... while on stage!
Why did the Illuminati allow Reuben Studdard to win?
How after all 12 finalists from season five died in their sleep from a radon leak, Jim Henson's Creature shop and 12 migrant workers saved the day!
Ryan Seacrest is half Mogwai on his mother's side
Randy Jackson's weight loss secret (hint, it's the same as Elizabeth Bathory's secret to youthful white skin!)
Which Idol runner up was stripped of his title as Grand Wizard of the KKK after coming out of the closet? (hint, it was Clay Aiken)
Which season nine Idol does the Pope have a crush on?
The Master Brain, if he already knows who is going to win, why does he keep texting in his votes?
Alright, lets do this!  I'm just gonna choke myself a little more before I come and then I'll shed some light on all these incredible but true fa...

due to technical difficulties...

Idol Threats will not be coming to you as normally scheduled. Not only has Blogger been a little bitch today, but Fina has been "busy" hanging out with Tim Roth at some swanky wine bar in Culver City, Jesco is en route jogging to Los Angeles from Northern Cal and Mike has a really hectic schedule of watching porno. We will be back tomorrow with a full rundown of the boys, a preview of the top 12, seven delicious dessert recipes you can make in under an hour and sherling tips!

Upset? Pissed? Currently dyking out? Not for long...




BOOYA! I fucking DARE you to be mad now, fuckers! How cute is that buddy right there? A-fucking-dorable! That's right! Suck it, douche bags!

Sorry Blogger is actin Crazy as is some of these Ladies!

Katie Stevens
Break Away
She started out weak but then got slightly better, still over all not good. Waaay too screechy. A Kelly song, come on, way too big for you little girl.

Magnus
House of the Rising Sun
I really am liking her. Her voice is totally old school and very versatile. She shall go far. And Simon, she is weird, that’s what’s great about her, you never know what you’re gonna get.

Gozer
The Story
I can’t stand it anymore! America send her home GET HER GONE! It is true, she sounded way better than before - that’s not saying much at all. When Sixth ?? Non the richer needs a new lead singer you’ll be in business. Till then stick to making frames.

Katelyn
Earthquake
Weird disco arrangement, weird keyboard, disgusting. She really needs to go as well. She sux with a capital X. If she makes it to next week (America noooo!) but if she does, check her out when she’s in the background, DEAD FISH I TELL YA!

Didi
God Dust Woman
Way better than before, and though I am a fan, I don’t agree with Kara and Simon. It wasn’t that good. I think Kara was just trying to make up for her harshness last week. After listening to Gozer and Katelyn, she probably figured she’d make it to the top 12. Simon and Kara have this weird thing going on and agreed with her for more HJs.

Paige
Smile
WTF? Failed! I love this song, mostly because it’s a great classic song and mostly because it was written by Charlie Chaplin, ???. I was super stoked that she was singing this song until I heard her murder it along with defiling CCs legacy. Shut the fuck up, you were crying and emotional because of Michael Jackson. Give me a break. I don’t breakdown whenever I sing La Bamba!? Pull it together, this is American Idol! Don’t do a song that you can’t hold it together! (sorry for all the “!” but seriously!?) Why are contestants stuck on doing songs they like? Is that the best strategy to the top? No, it’s not. Sing a song you can sing well, please, do us all a favor. This is the last time I’m going to ask.

Ma Sox
Give Me 1 Reason
THE BEST. There’s nothing else to say.

Lilly Scott
Falling to Pieces
I really didn’t like it. Her voice sounded way shaky and forced. It was way boring and could have been done better. I’m starting to feel like her voice is too affected. The judges critique was really fast, they must have been running out of time, they should always be this fast, way more bearable. Four judges is 1-2 too many, especially when one of them is I-never-stop-talking-even-when-I-make-no-sense-Kara. Simon was the only one that made any sense - no wow factor and not that interesting.

Final Word

Gozer MUST go.

Katelyn should join her.

Paige - Why?

Ameraica says “Go Home Minorities”

The following post lists my exact thoughts as I viewed America's Ghastly decisions.

I have feeling, I have a feeling that this group song shit needs to stop. There is no need for this ANYMORE!

First Boy to GO ==>

John Park – OH NO! He blew it though, but again, AMERICA WTF? Mike J Fox Jr. sucked more, he is obviously a weaker singer! Damnit minorities have no chance on this damn show… well at least the Asians and Mexicans. JP did sing much better at his "farewell" song, more like a walk of same, even if you do better. They should at least sing a different song.

I do like how AI is not doing the “after the break” malark! It was beginning to be painful. I guess they figured we all have DVR now and it's not worth the aggravation.

Now back to more of what I hate!

Lee. I really do, and it’s not like the hate I felt last year for Lambert. I really didn’t hate him. I just didn’t think he needed to be on idol to help him in his career because to me he should be a stage performer of the musical/rock opera sense. I hate Lee on a much deeper level….

Judges - Lay off his balls, they need to breathe a little bit.

That said, I will miss my onesy brother, but again, I ain’t for that god-like mentality, I seek less denial ridden peeps to hang in my onesy crowd. I know Whats Going On and I bet god has nothing to do with it. Farewell Jermaine, say hello to God for me.

Gokey

Two ear pieces in? Why? And I bet your best days are ahead of you. I bet you are not the nice guy you used to pretend to be. Ridding the coattails of the sob story, but who can blame him? It works so well. The Gokey people reported that he averages 5 no strings every 3 days.

OH HO! I mean oh no! Though both JP & Michelle didn’t do great, but I mean come on! They both deserve to continue. Still…Urban, Goser – HOME!

Katelyn – NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Healey – failed. How’d she even get there!!!?

Oh no.

Top 10 Ladies?

Crystal Bowersox
See the Light
Not only is Momma Sox the best girl, she's the best in the whole darn competition! Only she can come out of a diabetic coma and sing like that. I also loved how she called Simon out for having a 2 story trailer! Way to throw the street performance comment back at him! I took issue with it. Yes, some Street performers are a dime a dozen but so are some (more, in my opinion) recording artists! ALSO, I gave my number to a street performer once...My favorite performance of the night.

Kara side note: The judge was obviously preoccupied with giving Simon an HJ under the table and misspoke when she said Sox’s last song as What’s Going On. Is this a sign of drug abuse? Trying to be a little more like her old co-judge? Also, why is she all of a sudden buddy buddy with Simon. WHAT IS GOING ON!?

We have the scoop! Watch out later this week for behind the scenes action only IT can give you. You will laugh, cry and possibly vomit....

Haeley Vaughn
The Climb
Cant. Stop. Smiling. Haeley will never need Botox, her massive grill does the job just fine. She needs to step back off the mic, I’m afraid she might go in for a big smile and accidentally swallow it. I think in the future she will be better, but for now she needs more practice. I don’t know what the judges are saying about her connecting with the song, she never connects with any song she sings, she is a smiley, happy go lucky 16-year-old with no real life experience.
Basically, you suck but keep smiling...
Way to call Simon out for being mean, Seacrest. Thank god you did,
otherwise I wouldn’t of known...
Seacrest 1 Simon 1,000

Lacey Brown
Kiss me
Umm yeah, her Momma is wrong! I don't understand why they would show a clip of last weeks performance, that’s not doing anybody any good. For me it was just as horrid as her rendition of Landslide. Throughout her performance I found myself thinking, “YES! Someone please kiss her and stop the appalling noises that continue to violate my ears.” Yeah, she has a unique sound, I call it annoying. She might be back tho, damn America!

Katie Stevens
Something Record On
She’s pretty funny, I like her personality. I was actually surprised that she isn’t an annoying 17-year-old. That’s hard to come by these days. Maybe being so close to death has matured her, you know, like Harry Potter and shit. The performance was OK, could have chosen a better song but she sounded better towards the end. Believe in yourself and you shall go far...

Didi Benami
Lean on Me
Singer songwriter? Say what now? OK, she definitely needs to stop pointing at people in the crowd, its like she’s trying to bring them in on stage with her. She needs a little more confidence, I think she did better than the judges critique! Kara - shut your mouth - it was good and you don’t need to say it over and over again, actually you don’t have to say anything over and over again. Way to be way too harsh, Where was Seacrest on that one? Way better than Gozer. Say she didn’t and I’ll slap a beard on yo face!

Michelle Delamor
With Arms Wide Open
All these church goers! Jesus. She’s gotta jaw on her! Good song choice, interesting, started out good, got weird at points, totally failed the end. She needed to make a choice, she changed it around but then went back to the original arrangement and it didn’t really work.
Simon - thank you for admitting you judges are a hot mess when it comes to advice.

Lilly Scott
Change Gonna Come
I don’t like how she changed her hair from gray to blonde, way to be indie. Her performance was really good. Judge’s comments, not so much. Kara please, “you just had your moment, moment meaning...ME!” What the fuck is she talking about?

Katelyn Epperly
the Scientist
Katelyn.................. looks................... like................. a............................ dead....................... fish..................... in................ all............. the............... background................ shots.
This song is boring and slow to begin with, she slowed it down too much. At times I thought she forgot the words. This was all bad. Boring, so boring I think she bored herself. She had moments where the look on her face read like “Where am I? What am I doing? I have to sneeze.” I liked Didi better.
I kind of love you? Kara? Are you fucking serious? Shut the fuck up, you fucking idiot!
Don’t get it.

Paige Miles
Walk Away
I like to color too, but it's a sign of a retard, like eating cake. Great performance! One of the best of the night. Judges you crazy! Kara, you an idiot.


Siobhan Magnus
Think
What the fuck is she wearing!? Weirdo. You better think about that outfit girl! I liked her mohawk look. By the sound and look of her I classify her as retard genius. She sounds high all the time and her outfit is that of a 15-year-old stuck in the 2nd grade. I’m totally gonna try her shower learnin’ technique...maybe I should start taking more showers....

Top 4
1. Momma Sox
2. Paige Miles
3. Big “not-so-gray” Gray
4. Tard Genius

America - get it right and send Gozer back to the fridge and Haeley back to high school.

James Gunn does Kara Dioguardi!

"Kara Dioguardi is amazingly cheese. She's like an Ed Hardy T-shirt made human woman. I laugh at every word she says. She's awesome!"

-James Gunn on Kara

for you rubes who don't know, James Gunn is a ridiculously talented writer/filmmaker/general badass. Check him out: http://www.jamesgunn.com/

the Boys are back in town...

Last night brought us a surprise guys night out as the regularly scheduled females were bumped due to Crystal Bowersox falling into a diabetic coma! Where's Wilford Brimley when you need him?

The real question though, is whether or not anyone learned anything from their pitiful display last week. Would we be treated to another barrage of unlistenable garbage? Or would these young scamps actually pull their shit together and provide some actual talent? Well, there was a little from column B and a lot from column A. Let us proceed...

Big Mike
It's a Man's World
Kicking off surprise boys night on an appropriately misogynistic note, Big Mike makes a marked improvement over last week and gets a sloppy 4-way judge taint-licking for his trouble. Easily the best of the night but still not blowing me away.

John Park
Gravity
First of all, Jesse totally called that this dude was Korean - proving that his Asian-dar is far stronger than mine or Fina's. I can't remember much of his performance 'cause it kept putting me to sleep. It was slightly better than last week, but then again, a drowning cat would be better than last week. Plus, he's in an a capella group called Purple Haze? Douche.

Casey James
I Don't Wanna Be
Resident hunk, Casey sings an Idol standard and gets bonus points for shredding but obviously spent more time on the guitar solos than the vox and it shows. Not as bad as Michael whasisname's version last season but still pretty bad. Nevertheless this goddamn song is once again stuck in my head.

Alex McMullet
Everybody Knows
Snagging the "most improved since last week" award, young Alex looks infinitely more comfortable with his axe and actually turns in a fairly enjoyable performance. The arrangement leaves a little something to be desired but the whole affair is the epitome of "nice".

Todrick Hall
What's Love Got to do With It?
Seriously? I like Todrick but the judges are not wrong when they tell him he's totally blowing it. I like the fact that he wants to rearrange songs but he's obviously not any good at it! First the 87 car pile-up that was Since You Been Gone and now this strangely phrased bologna!? Changing shit up for the sake of changing shit up is stupid. Hopefully he survives to sing again and stops trying so hard.

Jermaine Sellers
What's Goin' On
I basically hated it. Also, nice bow tie, dick. Jermaine, you are easily the most obnoxious contestant out of the bunch and even your personal relationship with god can't help you now.

Andrew Garcia
You Give Me Somethin'
Could it be? Could Andrew be the Lil Rounds of season 9!!?? Say it ain't so, Garcia! Alas all the promise of a bountiful Hollywood week has harvested a pair of bad song choices and awkward performances and a literal buttload (not quite an assload yet more than a shitload) of disappointment. Maybe he set the bar too high for himself but that is no excuse to suck it up in the prelims! Get your shit together, dude! Seriously.

Aaron Kelly
My Girl
Huge improvement over last week both in performance and confidence but he sounds like he should go more country to me. At the end of the day he'll be safe but the whole thing was a little bland and straightforward for me.

Tim Urban
Some shitty song that I don't care about
Evidently Timmy here says a little prayer as his pre-show ritual. Evidently god isn't listening. Whether that is because he is too busy being annoyed by Jermaine or he just doesn't care is anybodies guess but despite the fact that Tim is a little better this week he still sucks unfathomable amounts of ass.

Simon's Favorite
Lips of an Angel
So this dude, to me, is this year's Danny Gokey. The judges slobber all over his balls and tell him how good he is; Simon even goes as far as to single him out as "head and shoulders" above the competition. Really? What show was he watching? Dude does Hinder's giggle-inducing ode to infidelity Lips of an Angel (which originally sounds like it's being performed by a slightly more serious Trey Parker) and comes off as shouty and completely off-pitch. I don't get it. I really don't get it.

So, in closing, it's gonna be hard to pick who goes home with so many mediocre to bad showings (and last weeks revelation that America is retarded) but my gut tells me that John Park and Jermaine Sellers are on the short list. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if god made sure Jermaine goes home, just to prove he has no association with him.

Jermaine who? Oh, him? Fuck that guy! I'm a Didi Benami fan. And by that I mean I would totally bang the shit out of her! Seriously, Jermaine. You don't know me. Don't name drop me. Shut the fuck up. And if the girls don't bring it tonight I am honestly considering giving up on the show. This shit has been all sorts of whack so far! God out.