Technical Nuthin!

Tech difficulties?  Not on my watch bitches!


First off, Mike is so not watching porn, that's his day job.  Since this is clearly night time (look out the window you dumb fuck, it's fucking dark out) he is almost certainly comprising his role as Night Man, holding men down and coming inside them.
Secondly, Fina.  If she's hangin' out with Tim Roth I guarantee it isn't wine they're drinking.  It's semen.  Cup after warm, frothy cup of semen harvested from Mr. Roth and his retinue of androgynous pleasure boys.

I on the other hand, am here to service you, the reader.  Mike was wrong when said I was  jogging to Los Angeles, that's ridiculous.  I am riding my recumbent bicycle down, typing this on my new Palm Pixi computerized wireless telephone and answering machine device.  With one hand.  What is my other hand doing?  Masturbating.  See what I just did?  I asked a stupid rhetorical question.  That means I have to punish myself.  I'm running out of nipple clamp room so I guess I'll just choke myself for a little bit.  Hold on...


... OK, where were we? Ah yes, American Idol, the most beloved karaoke/crushed dream porn (similar to snuff porn) show in the televised world!  We all watch the show (well, I watch it mostly because my mom likes it and since I'm a not entirely welcome re-nested child I don't have much say in the picking of TV channels) and know who can sing, who can dance and who can suck the shit out of Simon's cock a.k.a. the fifth judge.  what I'm going to shed some light on tonight is what goes on behind the scenes!  I will shock you with amazing facts such as:
Who makes the robot judges and why the Paula model broke down!
Which contestant from season 8 was impregnated... while on stage!
Why did the Illuminati allow Reuben Studdard to win?
How after all 12 finalists from season five died in their sleep from a radon leak, Jim Henson's Creature shop and 12 migrant workers saved the day!
Ryan Seacrest is half Mogwai on his mother's side
Randy Jackson's weight loss secret (hint, it's the same as Elizabeth Bathory's secret to youthful white skin!)
Which Idol runner up was stripped of his title as Grand Wizard of the KKK after coming out of the closet? (hint, it was Clay Aiken)
Which season nine Idol does the Pope have a crush on?
The Master Brain, if he already knows who is going to win, why does he keep texting in his votes?
Alright, lets do this!  I'm just gonna choke myself a little more before I come and then I'll shed some light on all these incredible but true fa...