I guess 2 out of 3 aint too bad, America

America has spoken and the next three finalists have been named. I totally called Lambert and Allison (both fairly obvious picks) and came pretty close on Megan so I guess I pretty much approve of the results. Kris made it through despite his thoroughly sub-par rendition of "Man In The Mirror", proving Juice Box's theory of vaginal superiority during the voting process. I wouldn't be at all surprised, however, if the spunky little tatted milf found her way into one of the wild card spots.

America's Grade: B+

So, America - you did pretty good again. I would have preferred the hot chick as opposed to the hot dude but I guess there's no arguing with the almighty vag. That said, these first two groups have been chock full of stinkers with only a handful of contestants proving their Idol worth. We can only hope that the final group (as well as the mysterious Wild Card round) will offer more heated competition. Until next time...

Rock Oprea Makes Top 12

Noooooooooooooooo!

Did no body see the video I posted!? Well I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming, damn you America! But I'll get back to the top 3 momentarily.

Let's talk wild card! Tonight Simon said the judges are going to pick folks they believe should have another chance. THEN he said there might be a few from tonight. This could mean one of two things:
1. They pick the best from the 3 groups and make another top 12, 6 or something similar;
2. They simply pick 3 and through then in. I think they should do option 1 and I better be seeing Anoop, Matt G, Jesse, Megan and Ricky.


Ok back to Lamboy! Let me set the record straight. I know some of you out there may be thinking, "What? This Juice Box has done lost her mind! Lamboy got's chops!" I know he can sing well, and yes, he does have "chops" but he's way too dramatic for American Idol. Perhaps he's confused. This is American Idol not Jesus Christ Superstar auditions. Although he arranged the song well, some may even say interesting, it was just a rock opera performance! If he can tone it down some and stop screeching all over the place then he MIGHT be ok. Thing is, I don't think he can tone it down. Check out some YouTube videos, decide for your self.


Kris with a K! Good job buddy. American vagina's have spoken, welcome. Now that you have made it to the top 12 you must never, not ever sing another MJ song in your life. Not even Karaoke! Just stick with the vag and you'll do fine.


There is some strong love out there for Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell. Sad to see him go but it had to happen sometime, I love him but he's no American Idol. He will forever have my mad props for giving Seacrest shit. We will miss you Nick Norman. I'm not counting you out of the wild cards even with Simon prayers. I think he secretly loves you, cross your fingers -- I am!

I will leave you with this final sentiment. New judge Kara is starting to get on my nerves. Last night she said some rediculous things and tonight she just wouldn't shut up. You may ask, "What's the big diff between her and Paula? Paula is always saying stupid shit!" Paula may fuck up sometimes but she is on some sort of uppper/downer and cannot be expected to be alert at all times. Kara is annoying naturally, without the use of mind altering substance. At first I thought she was good, but she's now starting to irritate. Take some advise, don't talk so much and use shorter sentences.

Box Out!

Bad Song Choices Cause Judges to Stick Tounge in Contestant's Bootie Hole

I don't even know where to start. Ryan Seacrest is one of the worst hosts of all time, which actually might make him one of the best. (I hate how that happens) He does ask the worst questions and is a complete failure at getting out of awkward situations. A prime example is the parent interview/reactions debacle of last week. Good god that was awful! AI producers, why in the world would you think interviewing all 36 sets of parents is something we want to see? I barely want to have contact with my own parents. I'm happy to see they saw the light and booted the olds.

The second group of 12 has provided me my favorite so far. It's still too early for me to pick my horse but this chick has a major shot.

Allison is 16 and she definitely, as Randy pointed out, blew it out of the box. She is obvious the best we have seen thus far. She was a bit awkward with Seacrest but you really can't blame her, he likes to intimidate those who are smaller than him. This little lady rocked the stage. All I can say is I better see her going through tomorrow America! We need some brown in that top 12.

Well fellow AIer's, it's official! February 25th is the first day of bad song choice season, get out your shot guns. But in all seriousness, did any of these people see last weeks show? Pick songs that make your voice sound good, not songs that you like to sing or songs that sends an inspirational message. THIS IS A C-O-M-P-E-T-I-T-I-O-N.

(this means you don't vote for anyone other than yourself!)

The bad song choice bug has sent my high hopes out the window for two of my early favorites: Jasmine Murray and Matt Giraud. These two have great voices but blew it on crap! I would have to agree with the judges on this one -- too simple! Matt, I'm far more disappointed in you. You can sing Ray Charles and you chose Coldplay? I just don't get it dude.You done fucked up!

Jeanine, Matt, Kai and Mishavonna are others that disappointed me. I have never seen Jeanine before and from what I saw last night I'm glad. I again have to agree with the judges and she does have some bangin' hot legs.

Matt (the bald rough neck-y one) was BORING! However, I did like his sloth like stage movements, well like is a strong word -- I thought they were interesting. The song choice was ok Matt just didn't sing it ok. He completely failed to bring it. I do not understand why the judges insist on being pussies. “We like you, we really like you!” Come on judges, he sucked and I guarantee he don't like you right now!

Kai and Mishavonna did ok but again there was nothing to shout about.

Last to don the struggling AI stage was Adam "I hate you" Lambert. SAY NO AMERICA! We can't have this guy in the top 12. Don't do this -- put down the phone and just walk away. My bitter heart cannot handle Blah-Blah Black Sheep for another song. 'Cept for maybe this one...

I had the same notion Mr. Murder had when Kris with a K started singing -- Oh no! Not MJ! But he did a surprisingly decent job. I think he has a chance because Simon's right, the chicks are going to love you. And it's us chicks that rule you dicks. I guess we'll just have to wait till tonight to see if America voted with their vagina's....

Speaking of, this lady has one, regardless of her boys name.

Girl Jesse picked a GREAT song! And I’m not just saying that because the song is from the best soundtrack ever -- Duets! I like it and I think she should make it. Either tomorrow or wild card spot. I especially like her cause she kicked that Frankie Jordon character out in the sing-off. Go Girl Jesse!

Seeing Norman Gentle on the AI stage was amazing. I'm still giggling, Mr. Gentle is not a bad singer, yes there were problem moments but overall he was one of the better singers of the night. I would like to see him back. Gentle has (as Bix put it) a sweet baby face on top of a 40 year old alcoholic body. I think we can all identify with that! My favorite moment of the night is when Gentle threw off baby Seacrest by tossing the questions back at him (right after Simon burned him about his gayness). Poor baby was lost at sea for a moment then saved himself by talking shit on Gentle! He said something to the effects of "No, I wouldn't vote for you!" Brutal Ryan! I guess it can be frustrating when the judges and the contestants out shine you! Do us all a favor Baby Sea, stop trying to save face, it gets awkward and not in a good way.

Last but not least we have another mother in this group Megan. Poor Megan is a little OCD and has to be in an almost constant state of the twist! I thought half way through her song she was going to twist her way right through the stage. I have to admit I was nervous for her because I thought her song was enjoyable.

By far the girls did better, therefore I think Allison, Megan and Jesse should go through. With that said I will not say Lamby should make it, he is a self indulging weenie. I would be fine with Kris with a K or Matt Giraud instead. If rough neck can make it last week then one of these guys can make it this week. On the other hand, I will flip my shit if this week's rough neck gets enough votes.

Overall another second-rate show. Is this the downfall of the new format or the lack of oversight of this year's contestants? One can only guess and hope next week they get their shit together.

Top 36 first blood part 2 - this time it's personal

Group two has sung and all I can say is I continue to be thoroughly underwhelmed. After last week I honestly thought it couldn't get much worse but I was wrong. So very wrong. More horrible "what were they thinking?" song choices led to more bad singing which led to me scratching my head and thinking Simon was being, on the whole, too kind. We'll have to wait for tonight to see how America did, but here's how I scored 'em:

Jasmine Murray

Bad song choice leads inevitably to disaster. She almost pulls it out a bit in the bridge but sings ugly and only manages to beat the living shit out of Sara Bareilles' "Love Song", which even that crappy tune doesn't deserve (I personally favor the Kids Bop version).

Grade: D

Matt Giraud

Chooses a weird song for him and informs the judges that this is the kind of music he sees himself doing. Good luck with that. He sings it weak and his only hope at this point is a wild card spot based on his Hell week performances.

Grade: C-

Jeanine Vailes

Sure she can crush a human skull like a walnut between her thighs but her vocals are horrendous! Another bad song choice and a pitchy performance. Ugh.

Grade: D

Norman Gentle

Boldly does the only thing he can do to give him any shot of getting through and hams it up to magnificent effect. Sure he blows the vocals, but the performance is top notch and probably one of the best things I've seen on Idol ever! Simon pleads with the American public not to let Norman through so his only shot at this point is probably the Vote For The Worst people. I seriously want to see this dude make it into the top 12 just to see what he does week after week - it would be like the entertaining version of Sanjaya! My grade in this case is for overall entertainment value (and getting Seacrest to nearly snap and secrete a little dose of venom).



Grade: B-

Allison Irahetta

Chooses a big song and almost totally slays it. She still sings the shit out of Heart's "Alone" easily winning the title of best performance of the night. If America doesn't vote her through then America is retarded.

Grade: B+

Kris Allen

Oh no! Not MJ!!!! Isn't someone telling these kids not to choose these kiss-of-death songs? Like some kind of vocal director or something? There should be. For everyones sake! The judges (other than Kara) like him. I agree with Kara.

Grade: C-

Megan Corkrey

Hot mom picks a good song but struggles a little and the performance is slightly awkward. Still clearly head and shoulders above most of the field. She better get the third spot for fear of losing yet another hottie. Come on America! Do we really want an ugly top 12? I know I don't. If she misses the cut, look for her as a wild card contender, as the judges are fond of licking her taint.

Grade: B-

Matt "Bald Bull" Breitzke

"Me sing kinda boring Tonic song. Judges no like song choice. No lick taint. Me no care. Me love Tonic! Me sing song again if me have chance! Me grind Simon's limey bones to make me bread! America vote for me if America know what good for it! Me go listen to Tonic CD and cry now."

Grade: C

Jesse Langseth

Oh shit! Half of her sweater fell off! That's gotta be awkward on live tv. She sings okay in kind of a laid-back old school manner. Bad ending. Forgettable.

Grade: C+

Kai Kalama

Serviceable but forgettable. Sings a throwbacky song and seems to be lacking in energy. Maybe try not taking a blunt to the dome next time, bra! For now I think you'll be hangin' ten back to San Clamente to toke up with your sick mom. Buuuuummmmerrrr.

Grade: C

Mishavonna Henson

Handles the verse but struggles with the hook of Train's "Drops of Jupiter" as if she can't quite figure out how she wants to sing it. Good in the low register, Mishavonna's obvious weak point is the higher stuff which could be a big problem for her. That said, she could easily find her way into a wild card spot.

Grade: C+

Adam Lambert

Juice Box's least favorite contestant (for whatever totally random reason) makes an iffy song choice and manages to pull out a pretty good performance. The arrangement is great, showcasing his range and ambitious vocal style. I particularly dug the funky breakdown (although he never quite got into the right vocal groove during that section) and the slow burn intro. At the end of the day I agree with Simon that the song had moments of greatness alternating with moments of lameness as Adam shows that he definitely has chops but fails to hit a complete homerun.

Grade: B+


So there you have it, kids! Another overall disappointing night of karaoke and another fairly easy pick as to who is gonna make it into the Top 12. My official prediction is as follows:

Top Dude: Adam Lambert
Top Chick: Allison Irahetta
Runner Up: Megan Corkrey
(with Norman gentle, Jesse Langseth and Mishavonna as possible spoilers)

Stay tuned for YOUR grade, America!

something to tide you over...

Can't hold out 'til 8 o'clock, kids? Niether can I! Don't bury your enemies in the sand to kill the time - they'll only come back as zombies for waterlogged revenge! Watch this hilarious video from the infamous "internet" instead...

More funny videos like the "Old School Afternoon" at Heavy.com

It never fails to amaze me how people come up with the time to put these things together... but I'm certainly glad they do. Now stop fucking around on the computer! AI is coming on!

No Idol tonight!? Denied!!!

So as all of you know there will be no American Idol tonight. I'm not sure why (as I have no interest in Fox's mid-week non-AI programming) but the smackdown has been shifted to Wed/Thurs this week leaving us Idolators searching blindly for something to occupy our Tuesday night.

Fear not though, loyal American viewers! Don't panic just yet! What follows is my own personal list of ALTERNATIVE OPTIONS for tonight. Enjoy...

Alternative Option A: Watch Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles on DVR

I don't know about the rest of you but I still have last weeks episode of Terminator waiting patiently for me on my DVR. In the last ep Shirley Manson (who plays a pasty T-1000 with a Scottish accent) went to town on like 100 people, messily butchering them with her badass blade-arms! So I guess it goes without saying that i can't wait to see what happens next. If you still need to be convinced as to the awesomeness of this show please see the superhot promotional picture of Summer Glau above.


Alternative Option B: Catch up with the NFL combine

NFL network (aka: the best network in television history) will be recapping the entire NFL combine as well as providing a sweet preview of the imminent free agent signings tonight. Unless you are me, Jesco or Tony Kornheiser you probably don't dig professional football as much as you dig AI - so for all of you laymen, the combine is the yearly event where NFL prospects engage in numerous drills and skill showcases, strutting their stuff for the pro scouts and coaches. It's kind of like the initial audition phase of Idol in a way, except that there is a lot less crying and slightly less steroid abuse.


Alternative Viewing Option C: Shed a Tear for Fallen Hotties

Here we see babealicious pictures of Ashley Anderson and Casey Carlson. These alliterative foxes have both gone the way of the dinosaur as far as AI is concerned, but they are both happily alive and well in my dreams (at least when Kara's not around). Poor miss Anderson never even made it past hell week (much to my hard ons chagrin) and Casey, as we all know, was sent packing after her disastrous dismantling of "Every Little Thing (S)he does is Magic", presumably back to the fantasy kingdom she presides over where the Cuervo never stops flowing and it's Spring Break all year long!
So to all of you with nothing to do tonight - I recommend you spend some quality time with your computer and give these ladies the emotional send-off they deserve. All you need is google image search and a box of tissues!

...

For the tears, you filthy fucks! Get your minds out of the gutter!

Personally, I'm gonna try to fit all three options in. Wish me luck!

Top 36 first blood! Better late than never.

Sorry for the late post, kids! The first week of the top 36 karaoke smackdown has come and gone and here I am, just now posting my grades for the week! Just to let you all know - my grades were given on the night of the performance with the results show having no baring on my grading process. Week one was pretty abysmal if you ask me. bad song choices and sub-par performances abounded! Now, let's get to it!

Jackie Tohn

Wild-woman-out-of-control routine not enough to make up for shoddy vox and bad song choice.

Grade: D+

Ricky Braddy

Ricky has a nice voice and handles his song well. Unfortunately Ricky is totally boring and so is his song. Oops!

Grade: B-

Alexis Grace

"dirtied" it up and turned into a late 80s punk rock hooker which is kinda hot. She does a very nice rendition of "Never Loved a Man". Simon licks her taint.

Grade: B+

Brent Keith

He's a little bit country! He's a lot bit boring and lame! It's a good thing he enjoys life in a "hick town" 'cause that's right where he's headed back to.

Grade: D

Stevie "Ugly Jessica Biel" Wright

Totally blew some tweener pop anthem that was completely wrong for her. Nice.

Grade: F

Anoop Desai

While I don't suck this dudes balls as much as my cohort, Juice Box, I do think he has a pretty good voice and a fun personality. That said, he mentions "bringing the energy" and then proceeds to sing a boring ballad. Nice adult contempo song choice, bro!

Grade: C

Casey Carlson

She obliterates (massacres is far to kind a word) a song by the police (as expected) but the drummer in the house band does a kickass Stewart Copeland impression.

Grade: F

Michael Sarver

Fan-favorite oil rig roughneck dude picks a song that he has no business singing (but that coincidentally has been stuck in my head ever since). He has good energy but the vocals are completely sub-par.

Grade: D+

Anne Marie Boskavitch

This unremarkable chick provides us with a hefty dose of mediocre karaoke-style blase singing. Ugh.

Grade: D

Stephen Fowler

I like this dude but he keeps fucking up! First be forgets lyrics during hell week and unprofessionally walks off stage, now he commits Idol seppuku in the first round by choosing an MJ song! Seriously, dude. You done fucked up once too many.

Grade: D

Tatiana Del Toro

The contestant that Juice Box lovingly refers to as "Crazy Horse" does a half-way decent job of singing her song. It's just a shame that her "boring" personality showed up instead of her "insane as a shit-house rat" personality, ruining her chance at slipping through on novelty votes.

Grade: C+

Danny "Dead Wife Guy" Gokey

Danny picks a hard song and nails it... judges love it... yadda yadda yadda... proving the age-old AI equation:
Sob Story + Good Voice = Shoe-in

Grade: B+


So there you have it! That was the way I scored it last Tuesday. Let's see how America did...

Ya done pritty good, Amurica!

Alexis grace and Danny Gokey were obvious picks, with America predictably imbibing their balls along with the judges. Roughneck Mike was given another chance due to his likability and the fact that he is actually a much stronger vocalist than last week's performance would indicate, edging out Anoop (much to the chagrin of Juice Box). I could still see Anoop or perhaps Ricky Braddy advancing as wild cards, although the judges affinity for bailing out Stephen Fowler gives me a glimmer of hope that he will live on to fuck up another performance and shoot himself in the foot again. But that is a story for another day.

America's Grade: A

Keep up the good work! See y'all Wednesday morning!

My Kara DioGuardi sex dream - an erotic journey

Hell week has come and gone (even though, through some sort of temporal tampering, the geniuses at Fox somehow made it last two weeks!) and the competitive pool has been whittled down to 36. Now that all the bullshit is out of the way we can finally sink our teeth into the delicious salty meat clinging to the karaoke bone - THIS, motherfuckers, is American Idol!

With that said, I'd like to turn your collective attention to the dream I had about a fortnight ago. In this dream I was "hanging out" at AI auditions, mingling with the judges and competitive hopefuls alike. I have no idea what city we were in - just that this was all going down in one of those hotels that they conduct the early rounds in.

After listening to old Motown records and smoking a fatty with Randy, I decided to see what the new judge, the lovely Miss DioGuardi was up to, and hence set out to explore the hotel and get to the bottom of just what it was this newcomer had to offer.

I came across Kara in her hotel room (which I don't think they even have in real life) where she was lounging seductively on the bed. Being the predatory cougar that she is, Miss DioGuardi couldn't keep her hands off me and kept saying mildly suggestive things like "there's something special about you" and "come on, you know you wanna fuck me".

I explained to Kara that I had a loving girlfriend at home but this only seemed to entice her further. She uttered something to the effect of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" which in dream logic seemed to make perfect sense, and subsequently latched on to my face - making out with me like my mouth was made of scrumptious feces and she was one of the chicks from 2 girls 1 cup.

Going into the particulars of what followed would be disrespectful to Miss DioGuardi's feminine sensibilities (no matter how predatory they may be), but let's just say that she was pretty much "down for whatever" and with the right motivation (wink wink) she has an incredibly amazing belting range.

The whole deal ended with someone (who may or may not have been Simon) busting in on us during "the deed" and causing some degree of drama - although how it all played out will remain a mystery since the coitus interruptus coincided with my alarm clock going off. Bummer.

The episode has left me with a vague feeling of longing, a heretofore absent attraction to older women and a semi.

My dreams since have been riddled with the usual embrrassment of compulsively masturbating in public and the expected recurrence of Summer Glau wearing this outfit:



Unfortunately Kara and her sultry cougish charms have not made any encore performances in slumberland (she never even came back to finish what she started for cryin' out loud!) so until that sweet sweet night arrives I guess I'll just have to settle for being hypnotized by her smoky gaze through my tv twice weekly.

(long sad sigh)

The Top 36 are in! Good thing?

I first would like to apologize for not posting in over a week. I know you're thinking it's too late to apologize and you are right, there are no excuses. To be fair though I have been busy. After all, Hobocamp isn't gonna run itself!

The judges deliberated hotness vs talent and the results are in. The Top 36 is a mix of both with a touch of craziness. The nerves were high and the confidence low... Thanks to super boy Seacrest we were able to listen in to the dramatic questions running through contestants heads. "Did I do enough? Did I choose the right song? Did I take that tampon out of my ass!?"

I gotta say some of the judges picks really surprised me. The one that kills me the most is crazy horse Tatiana Nicole Del Toro. Simon should have stopped this. She more likely to kill them all in their sleep than becoming the next American Idol, this chick is beyond psycho. I really don't think a single thought stays in her head more than 10 seconds.

Now that she's out of the way let's move on to the sob stories who live on.






First we have Danny Gokey or Gokey, as I like to call him. He started auditions with the sad story of loosing his wife and has entered the top 36 and lost his bestie. I think Jamal (his bestie) was a bit better. It's going to be hard for Gokey to get by without his super best friend but I'm sure their love will live on - through music of course!

Kai made his sick mummy proud by making it in. I have to say not a huge fan. Again Jamal is better.

Blindie made it! I think the judges were afraid to no to a blind guy. It's in America's hands now! I'm just wondering what they are going to do if he does make it and they start doing the group dance/singing numbers together. Maybe he'll just stand in the middle of the stage and move his arms....

Lil Rounds, or when Bix saw her and said, "Look at those tig ol' bitties! More like big rounds!" So Big Rounds is an excellent singer. You go girl! Stand up tall and be proud of your big ol' boobies!

The last sob story, Ghey Bird Nathaniel, is not one of the original sobers if I remember correctly. However, he's one of those kids that has had it hard because there's music on his skin... Or something like that. He's a drama queen and definitely in love with Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle. He might need someone to help him get over taking someone else's dream away.

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Jail-bait

Prisoners
These 16 year olds are legal in 34 states, Nevada being one of them. So watch out Arianna, Allison, Taylor, Ugly Jessica Beal (Stevie), & Jasmine, there are rough necks among you!

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These two guys are not only on opposite side of this blog but also completely opposite when it comes to talent. Anoop (right) is 1,000% better than stage-boy Adam Lambert. Lambert is the one who chose to sing Believe by Cher. Need I say more? Yes? Ok. If any of you were unfortunate enough to hear his rendition of the song (that should ONLY be performed by Cher herself!) you know how rediculus it was. I'll be surprised is he has any balls left. His last name reminds me of a song... Lambert the gayest something or other. Needless to say I was shocked when the judges stuck their heads up his ass and passed him through. I guess we'll have to handle this on our own America. Why vote for Lamby when you can vote for Anoop!?

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Though I'm a bit upset with Lambie, I'm totally happy wannabe Winehouse was sent home! Bye bye Frankie. And to answer your question, yes.

Chin up, Frankie Jordan, this could be you....

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Felicia "I give good head" Barton has replaced Joanna "I've already had my chance and failed" Pacitti. Apparently Joanna knows one or more of the producers of AI and she was disqualified. I feel bad for Joanna but I she did forget the words 3 times in Hollywood week. Good luck blow job queen! You will go far...

Speaking of blow jobs, Von Smith frightens me. I feel every time he opens his mouth to sing he is going to eat somebody. He sings well but it's pretty amazing how big this guy's mouth can get.

See! I told you.

There is so much more to talk about but it'll have to wait until later. Overall this season seems like it's gonna be a good one. Anything will be better than last year. Fuck David Cook in the ear!

Till next week my dawgs....