the Boys are back in town...

Last night brought us a surprise guys night out as the regularly scheduled females were bumped due to Crystal Bowersox falling into a diabetic coma! Where's Wilford Brimley when you need him?

The real question though, is whether or not anyone learned anything from their pitiful display last week. Would we be treated to another barrage of unlistenable garbage? Or would these young scamps actually pull their shit together and provide some actual talent? Well, there was a little from column B and a lot from column A. Let us proceed...

Big Mike
It's a Man's World
Kicking off surprise boys night on an appropriately misogynistic note, Big Mike makes a marked improvement over last week and gets a sloppy 4-way judge taint-licking for his trouble. Easily the best of the night but still not blowing me away.

John Park
Gravity
First of all, Jesse totally called that this dude was Korean - proving that his Asian-dar is far stronger than mine or Fina's. I can't remember much of his performance 'cause it kept putting me to sleep. It was slightly better than last week, but then again, a drowning cat would be better than last week. Plus, he's in an a capella group called Purple Haze? Douche.

Casey James
I Don't Wanna Be
Resident hunk, Casey sings an Idol standard and gets bonus points for shredding but obviously spent more time on the guitar solos than the vox and it shows. Not as bad as Michael whasisname's version last season but still pretty bad. Nevertheless this goddamn song is once again stuck in my head.

Alex McMullet
Everybody Knows
Snagging the "most improved since last week" award, young Alex looks infinitely more comfortable with his axe and actually turns in a fairly enjoyable performance. The arrangement leaves a little something to be desired but the whole affair is the epitome of "nice".

Todrick Hall
What's Love Got to do With It?
Seriously? I like Todrick but the judges are not wrong when they tell him he's totally blowing it. I like the fact that he wants to rearrange songs but he's obviously not any good at it! First the 87 car pile-up that was Since You Been Gone and now this strangely phrased bologna!? Changing shit up for the sake of changing shit up is stupid. Hopefully he survives to sing again and stops trying so hard.

Jermaine Sellers
What's Goin' On
I basically hated it. Also, nice bow tie, dick. Jermaine, you are easily the most obnoxious contestant out of the bunch and even your personal relationship with god can't help you now.

Andrew Garcia
You Give Me Somethin'
Could it be? Could Andrew be the Lil Rounds of season 9!!?? Say it ain't so, Garcia! Alas all the promise of a bountiful Hollywood week has harvested a pair of bad song choices and awkward performances and a literal buttload (not quite an assload yet more than a shitload) of disappointment. Maybe he set the bar too high for himself but that is no excuse to suck it up in the prelims! Get your shit together, dude! Seriously.

Aaron Kelly
My Girl
Huge improvement over last week both in performance and confidence but he sounds like he should go more country to me. At the end of the day he'll be safe but the whole thing was a little bland and straightforward for me.

Tim Urban
Some shitty song that I don't care about
Evidently Timmy here says a little prayer as his pre-show ritual. Evidently god isn't listening. Whether that is because he is too busy being annoyed by Jermaine or he just doesn't care is anybodies guess but despite the fact that Tim is a little better this week he still sucks unfathomable amounts of ass.

Simon's Favorite
Lips of an Angel
So this dude, to me, is this year's Danny Gokey. The judges slobber all over his balls and tell him how good he is; Simon even goes as far as to single him out as "head and shoulders" above the competition. Really? What show was he watching? Dude does Hinder's giggle-inducing ode to infidelity Lips of an Angel (which originally sounds like it's being performed by a slightly more serious Trey Parker) and comes off as shouty and completely off-pitch. I don't get it. I really don't get it.

So, in closing, it's gonna be hard to pick who goes home with so many mediocre to bad showings (and last weeks revelation that America is retarded) but my gut tells me that John Park and Jermaine Sellers are on the short list. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if god made sure Jermaine goes home, just to prove he has no association with him.

Jermaine who? Oh, him? Fuck that guy! I'm a Didi Benami fan. And by that I mean I would totally bang the shit out of her! Seriously, Jermaine. You don't know me. Don't name drop me. Shut the fuck up. And if the girls don't bring it tonight I am honestly considering giving up on the show. This shit has been all sorts of whack so far! God out.