We're a LITTLE bit country

This week Idol finally returned to the classic theme/mentor formula by dipping into the tepid baby pool of borderline-country music under the cruel tutelage of country-fried pop midget, Shania Twain.
You might remember Shania from obnoxious music videos in the late 90s or the thoroughly disappointing Chicago round of auditions. She has like, a buttload of number one records and isn't easily impressed. Not even if you're Brad Pitt! Evidently she has lowered her standards because somehow she sees potential in this season's riff raff. Or at least she says she does. Ugh. Can Idol get somebody mean to mentor these kids? Not only would it be way more entertaining but maybe if someone really told these kids how it was they would pull it together and not suck quite as bad. Maybe, but probably not.
Speaking of suckage, let's see what suck factor our contestants reached this week:

disclaimer: the Suck Factor (patent pending) is determined using a complicated system of carefully devised criteria and highly scientific processes. It is far too complicated to fully explain here and probably too much for your feeble brain to comprehend. Just think of it like sabermetrics for karaoke.

Lee
You're Still a Played-Out Wedding Song
Suck Factor: 8

I still don't fucking get it. Dude sounds like a Nickelback reject and his pitch is constantly all over the place. The fact that he will probably cruise into the top three makes me physically ill. Plus, his song made me think of every wedding I've ever been to except that I wasn't drunk so it sucked.



Big Mike
It Only Hurts When I Pee
Suck Factor: 3

Big Mike is good but I am kinda over it. He is like a less fat more likable version of Ruben and this has got to be one of the sappiest songs ever written. Although there is something intriguing about giant black men singing schmaltzy countryish love songs this just didn't really do it for me.

Casey James
Don't Ever Crimp Your hair Again
Suck Factor: 6

The song was okay. Kinda boring but he sang it pretty good. The suck factor really goes to Casey's crimped hair this week. Seriously? Who told him that would look good? I'll bet it was the same douche bag/twisted genius who hooked Sanjaya up with that ponytail mohawk travesty a few seasons back. I swear sometimes the stylists on AI just do these things so they can laugh at the contestants thinking they look like the cat's pajamas when really they look like seven shades of shit on National television.

Bowersox
No One Needs to Know that this isn't really country
Suck Factor: 1

Bowersox gives us the only somewhat authentic country performance of the night (which also happens to be hands down my fave) and the judges hate it. What the fuck, judges? You like Lee but you tear Crystal down? Are you from the bizarro world or something? I fucking give up.

Aaron Kelly
You've Got An Oedipal Complex
Suck Factor: 10

Seriously. It's starting to piss me off. Aaron needs to go the fuck home to his mom and their (evidently) creepy relationship. I am so consistently bored by this little guy that I... you know what? Fuck it. Send 'em all home!

Magnus
Any Song of Mine
Suck Factor: 5

I used to really like Magnus. Now she just does the same shit every week - kind of boring song with the same wild note at the end. Can you say "yawnsville"? I can. Magnus just punched my one-way ticket there. Bleh.

Seriously I don't even have any closing comments. Season nine suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!!!!

Creepy Crooner out.

the power of Christ compels you!

Let me start off this post by admitting freely that I did not watch Idol last night. I decided since the show sucks so ludicrously hard this season that it would be more entertaining to round up some of my cohorts, head down to ye olde karaoke bar and have our own smackdown. Needless to say it proved to be endlessly more entertaining than anything AI has offered us all year. Here are some highlights:

Jake Quickel
We Don't Need Another Hero

Jake is a living legend. When he sung this song I literally felt like I was beyond Thunderdome. I suddenly had the urge to save a bunch of scrubby outback scamps. It was weird. But weird in the best way possible.

Katie and Jake
I'm All Out Of Love

Have you ever seen a grown ass man burst into tears at a karaoke bar? Neither have I but if it happened this would be the cause. So much raw emotion. So much unadulterated sadness. So much cheap vodka in Katie's flask.

Nick "Ronnie James" Emerson
Holy Diver

Nick reached into his wheelhouse and pulled forth his Dio gem much to the delight of the entire bar. Watching Nick head bang is like watching two majestic lions make sweet sweet love on acid. Whether it is the lions or the observers who are on acid remains to be seen.

Yours Truly
Runnaround Sue

I'm not gonna lie. I was fucking amazing. I would have fucked me after this performance. I thoroughly molested an inflatable saxophone while on stage too. Now you are kicking yourself 'cause your dumbass was watching AI instead of witnessing karaoke history being made. Sucks to be you.

Me vs. Katie
Billy Joel's hits Only The Good Die Young and I Go To Extremes

An epic showdown to say the least. Like Adam vs. Kris but way less gay and way more Joelerific. The jury is still out on who won but by the end of the affair we were both covered in gorilla hair, blood and some unidentified clearish liquid.

Everyone
End Of The Road

Boyz 2 who?


Maybe AI should take a hint from us and get the contestants good and liquored up before they sing. Could you imagine a blacked out Big Mike attacking Seacrest mid-song, slinging him over his shoulder and running around the stage? I am imagining it right now and let me tell you, it is glorious. I recommend a 40 of Old English 800, 4 budweisers and like, half a flask of cheap vodka on the DL. That would certainly shake things up. I mean, they've already had bagpipes, they might as well just go for it.

Oh and Tim Urban evidently got voted off. Maybe Juice Box was right and Satan (or as I like to call him, Justin Bieber) finally had enough. Bummer, Timmy. I really thought you had it in you to go all the way on the backs of a million vaginas. Oh well.

Idol time = nap time

I sat down last night, after a glorious evening with my son, to watch Idol's top 7 performance, I was asleep within 5 minutes. Now, it could have been the fact that yesterday was 420 or that the show is simply boring. I like to think the latter is the reason, cause I can hold my shit! What I'm trying to say is AI is trippin' and they need to stop.

I'm going to kick this old school....

Casey James
Normal. I thought he was better at singing and playing the guitar this week. He sounded good, but it was totally boring. I want to see something different from him. Next week he should loose the shirt and maybe even the pants! Oh and no guitar, I wanna see that junk!


Lee D.
Don't get it. Still.


Tim "Satan's Son" Urban
I think even Satan might forsake this guy this week. Enough is enough America! Get 'em done!


Aaron
Worst song EVER! This tiny boy can sing, though parts of the song sounded forced, he needs to grow a bit then he'll be stronger. I like the way he stands on stage with his legs spread. So hottt!


Magnus
Disappointing. Pull it together girl!


Big Mike
Love him, hate the song.


Bowersobs
Finally she took my advice and hit the stage without an instrument. She was a little awkward, posing like she was playing a guitar with one hand on her boob and the other on her stomach. My only qualms was loosing it at the end of the song, I was a little surprised by that, I thought she was way harder than that, then again I was crying too...

Well that's all for now folks. Tonight is Idol gives back. I say they give us back the hours wasted watching this dreadful season...

This is ground control to Colonel Tom

How funny was that title eh? Pretty clever, I know. So, Elvis week. I have a time honored tradition of not watching Elvis week because if anybody but Elvis or, on rare occasion Bill Murray, sings Elvis songs, they inevitably suck. Instead, I like to pour myself a nice plastic cup full of fine cognac and reminisce on the time I spent as personal bodyguard and closest confidant of Colonel Tom Parker. We first met in 1966 on the set of Clambake when Tom hired me after nearly being shanked by a native Hawaiian he kept referring to as "King Kameha-gAy-a". Our relationship got off to a rocky start, strong personalities with a mountain of sexual tension bubbling just below the surface (not unlike Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston, actually, exactly like that). Eventually, things just sort of worked themselves out as nature intended and we became inseparable. We'd spend our days drinking rum from hollowed out coconuts and our evenings strolling hand in hand on the beach, conversing and debating about most everything but one subject in particular; who would win in a fight between Teen Wolf and a Vampire Gorilla. Now I liked to keep an open mind about the subject but the Colonel, he was a Vampire Gorilla man through and through. He used to say to me in his slow, drunken southern drawl "Jesco, they is jus no way the Teen Wolf could match the powa uva regla gorilla let 'lone one been vam-pi-rized! No suh!". We would go at it, back and forth for days but until the day he died, he never stopped believing in the raw power of Vampire Gorillas. His last whispered words were actually " V-v-vampah gorilla... so powaful..." and something about the nurse stealing.

Well, after all my reminiscing and drinking an entire bottle of Hennessey I ordered Couples Retreat on pay-per-view which was a poor choice. As poor a choice as watching Elvis week? Like the Vampire Gorilla - Teen Wolf debate it will forever remain unanswered but here's a little something to shed perspective on the situation. R.I.P. Colonel Tom

Only Two?!...& Lasers...OH MY!

Katie and Andrew are gone. Is anyone really sad? I was out last night when I found out, as I passed the news on to some semi-drunkards, the moment I said Katie's name cheers broke out...AI what happened?

Andrew Garcia is not the Lil Rounds of this season, he is in his own class of failure. I mean his version of Jail House was NO BUENO. Regardless of the fact that the mentor this week is the loser from last year the advice he gave should have been listened to. I don't want to rehash my issues with Lambert, like his tongue should stay in his mouth and he...and he.......? Damn I forgot my issues from the past, but presently I'm all about hating the lasers but I'll get to that later.

One of the reasons why Lambert made it as far as he did is because he put on a show, he was passionate about what he wanted to do and he did it. Fucking around and making a song weird and boring is not going to get you far. So long Garcia, I liked ya.

Katie, I thought, was good. I thought she was improving and choosing better songs week after week. I also liked her attitude and she wasn't annoying to me at all, I mean compared to most 17-year-olds. With that said, see ya Katie, you weren't going to win n e ways!

Ok. Back to the laser issue. Again, I shall express myself with pictures:




Too much? My sentiments exactly.

Jailhouse Schlock

American Idol just keeps the train at full steam, shitting on more revered rock n' roll staples by taking it back even further to publicly defile the music and memory of Elvis Aaron Presley.
The song choices ranged from predictable to forgettable, the performances were all kinds of boring and the judges commentary was anything but insightful. So pretty much par for the season 9 coarse I guess. What follows are my lowlights and lowerlights of the episode:

Lowlights

• Big Mike is pretty much back in fighting shape. If America tries to send him home again then America is either on crack or totally racist.
• Ellen is funny. "Horny" jokes in the cradle of family programming are always okay in my book.
• Tim Urban's dark powers are growing. He was honestly one of the best three of the night.
• Bowersox is like, pretty much the only contestant that made a non-retarded song choice.
• Seacrest's "talented tongue" joke was actually pretty good... on a lot of levels.
  

Lowerlights

• Magnus is slippin' big time. Wtf? Maybe Urban is sucking her talent and using it for to his own evil ends. It's a theory.
• Katie continues to not impress me.
• Same goes for Lee.
  
• Casey James needs to step it up too. He has been skating by on looks and somewhat decent performances but his song choices are horrific.
• Andrew Garcia sucks. I'm sorry but he does. I thought he had potential too! Looks like we were all wrong.
• Idol is obviously running out of famous people to be mentors. I have nothing against Adam Lambert but isn't tapping last year's runner up to come teach the kids how to do Elvis kind of a cop-out?
• Season 9 blows.

So there you have it. More classic rock n' roll shat upon by a group of marginally talented ass clowns. *yawn*

Special Guests Ain't So Special

This week I was fortunate enough to watch the results show without sound, subtitles only. Maybe there is a god!? Or just the Dark Lord at work. I digress, the "special" guest performance looked horrendous and when I checked my DVR for confirmation, I was correct.

I will explain my reaction in pictures:

Awfulness #1: Jason D-something – I’m pretty sure this song is about a blow job, and I’m pretty certain it did not deserve a slow black and white mini breakdown. This is going down in my head as a horrible song and performance. This guys eyebrows really creep me out, they're like floating furry, shiny caterpillars.

Archie is still awkward and it was sickening watching Rihanna trying to head bang like a rock star. Maybe she was just trying to show off her "good hair".

Big Mike! No! Not Big Mike!!!!!

America what are you thinking!? I have been speaking to the power of the baby va-jay-jays but seriously. Come on. I mean even Miley was able to look past the puppy dog eyes and see the beauty in the big black man! Even wonder boy Tim Urban looked like he had enough of America's shenanigans. Perhaps this show has jumped the shark but Tim needs to go home now, it's like the Hawaiian chick. Enough is enough.

The Big Save

They had to save Big Mike. He is one of the better performers and he is magic. I'm sure America will start to vote for him cause they realized they fucked up. And his wife made sure of it. After he was saved she gave America a look that could not be mistaken for anything but a threat. She ain't fuckin' around America, so I suggest (again) you stop fuckin' around, America and get yo shit together....America!

ladies and gentlemen... the Shitty Beatles

Last night the nine remaining contestants took on the songs of John Lennon and Paul McCartney with unsurprisingly yawn-inducing results. Was it a little better than previous weeks? Maybe. Was it still pretty terrible? Without a doubt. Here are my thoughts...

Aaron - dear America, please send this little douche home already. He's so "jr. high talent show" that it's starting to grate on my nerves.

Katie - too little too late if you ask me.

Garcia - sliding back into Lil Rounds territory. And it is a slippery slope indeed.

Big Mike - Lynch Mob? Really?

Bowersox - cue "stunt instrument" #1!

Tim Urban - sub-par as usual but now the judges seem to be under his spell along with America. Go get em, Tim! You can do it! The dark Lord clearly has your back.

Casey James - evidently everyone loved it but I wasn't paying attention 'cause he sang some bogus John Lennon solo bull shit. Next, please.

Magnus - eh. Magnus has let me down for 2 weeks now. What happened? I thought we had something. Bring back the metal!

Lee - aaaaaaannndddd.... cue "stunt instrument" #2.... aaaaaaannnddddd....

shark officially jumped.



I guess Meatloaf was right - it isn't just a clever name.

An ode to the FF button on my DVR remote

Oh thank you, digital video recorder technology! Without you I would not be able to fast forward through the parade o' lame that are this years' Idol results shows and that would suck.

Seriously. We are aware that we have been beating this whole "season 9 blows" business into the ground for weeks but let's be honest, season 9 really REALLY blows. We almost can't say enough. Yeesh!

Here is what I can only assume were the "highlights" of last night's ep. I pretty much watched the entire thing on 4X FF (yep. that is the maximum speed. fuck it.) so I'm a little sketchy on the details but I pretty much got the gist of it.

• Did they do group sing? If so I missed it (maybe there IS a god!).
• If they DID do it I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it sucked. balls.
• Ryan and Simon have some serious sexual tension. Or maybe they just fight when the show is bad like a couple during tough times.
• Ruben's performing? I thought that fatass was in the clink!
  
• Usher's performance looked pretty wild. I almost actually watched it, then I remembered I don't give a fuck about Usher.
• Pretty sure Big Mike almost killed Seacrest.
• If he had, would they disqualify him?
• Tim Urban really IS Teflon! Either that or in league with Satan. Either way I am now rooting for him full-on.
• Was that Usher performing a second time or some other black dude? And was he teabagging Kara? Again, I was about to check this out but immediately thought better of it.
• Season 9 sucks.
• It was an obvious call that Didi would get the boot and that the judges wouldn't save her. She did throw America a curve ball by not crying like a pussy though.
• Nobody wants to hear these idiots sing the same bad song that garnered the Nation's wrath. At this point I just pushed STOP and then DELETE. 'Nuff said.

So there you have it. Thanks to DirecTV and the wondrous gift that is my DVR. No thanks to Fox and AI for sucking unfathomable amounts of ass/balls/shit this season. When does the X factor start already?