We're a LITTLE bit country

This week Idol finally returned to the classic theme/mentor formula by dipping into the tepid baby pool of borderline-country music under the cruel tutelage of country-fried pop midget, Shania Twain.
You might remember Shania from obnoxious music videos in the late 90s or the thoroughly disappointing Chicago round of auditions. She has like, a buttload of number one records and isn't easily impressed. Not even if you're Brad Pitt! Evidently she has lowered her standards because somehow she sees potential in this season's riff raff. Or at least she says she does. Ugh. Can Idol get somebody mean to mentor these kids? Not only would it be way more entertaining but maybe if someone really told these kids how it was they would pull it together and not suck quite as bad. Maybe, but probably not.
Speaking of suckage, let's see what suck factor our contestants reached this week:

disclaimer: the Suck Factor (patent pending) is determined using a complicated system of carefully devised criteria and highly scientific processes. It is far too complicated to fully explain here and probably too much for your feeble brain to comprehend. Just think of it like sabermetrics for karaoke.

Lee
You're Still a Played-Out Wedding Song
Suck Factor: 8

I still don't fucking get it. Dude sounds like a Nickelback reject and his pitch is constantly all over the place. The fact that he will probably cruise into the top three makes me physically ill. Plus, his song made me think of every wedding I've ever been to except that I wasn't drunk so it sucked.



Big Mike
It Only Hurts When I Pee
Suck Factor: 3

Big Mike is good but I am kinda over it. He is like a less fat more likable version of Ruben and this has got to be one of the sappiest songs ever written. Although there is something intriguing about giant black men singing schmaltzy countryish love songs this just didn't really do it for me.

Casey James
Don't Ever Crimp Your hair Again
Suck Factor: 6

The song was okay. Kinda boring but he sang it pretty good. The suck factor really goes to Casey's crimped hair this week. Seriously? Who told him that would look good? I'll bet it was the same douche bag/twisted genius who hooked Sanjaya up with that ponytail mohawk travesty a few seasons back. I swear sometimes the stylists on AI just do these things so they can laugh at the contestants thinking they look like the cat's pajamas when really they look like seven shades of shit on National television.

Bowersox
No One Needs to Know that this isn't really country
Suck Factor: 1

Bowersox gives us the only somewhat authentic country performance of the night (which also happens to be hands down my fave) and the judges hate it. What the fuck, judges? You like Lee but you tear Crystal down? Are you from the bizarro world or something? I fucking give up.

Aaron Kelly
You've Got An Oedipal Complex
Suck Factor: 10

Seriously. It's starting to piss me off. Aaron needs to go the fuck home to his mom and their (evidently) creepy relationship. I am so consistently bored by this little guy that I... you know what? Fuck it. Send 'em all home!

Magnus
Any Song of Mine
Suck Factor: 5

I used to really like Magnus. Now she just does the same shit every week - kind of boring song with the same wild note at the end. Can you say "yawnsville"? I can. Magnus just punched my one-way ticket there. Bleh.

Seriously I don't even have any closing comments. Season nine suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!!!!

Creepy Crooner out.