This is ground control to Colonel Tom

How funny was that title eh? Pretty clever, I know. So, Elvis week. I have a time honored tradition of not watching Elvis week because if anybody but Elvis or, on rare occasion Bill Murray, sings Elvis songs, they inevitably suck. Instead, I like to pour myself a nice plastic cup full of fine cognac and reminisce on the time I spent as personal bodyguard and closest confidant of Colonel Tom Parker. We first met in 1966 on the set of Clambake when Tom hired me after nearly being shanked by a native Hawaiian he kept referring to as "King Kameha-gAy-a". Our relationship got off to a rocky start, strong personalities with a mountain of sexual tension bubbling just below the surface (not unlike Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston, actually, exactly like that). Eventually, things just sort of worked themselves out as nature intended and we became inseparable. We'd spend our days drinking rum from hollowed out coconuts and our evenings strolling hand in hand on the beach, conversing and debating about most everything but one subject in particular; who would win in a fight between Teen Wolf and a Vampire Gorilla. Now I liked to keep an open mind about the subject but the Colonel, he was a Vampire Gorilla man through and through. He used to say to me in his slow, drunken southern drawl "Jesco, they is jus no way the Teen Wolf could match the powa uva regla gorilla let 'lone one been vam-pi-rized! No suh!". We would go at it, back and forth for days but until the day he died, he never stopped believing in the raw power of Vampire Gorillas. His last whispered words were actually " V-v-vampah gorilla... so powaful..." and something about the nurse stealing.

Well, after all my reminiscing and drinking an entire bottle of Hennessey I ordered Couples Retreat on pay-per-view which was a poor choice. As poor a choice as watching Elvis week? Like the Vampire Gorilla - Teen Wolf debate it will forever remain unanswered but here's a little something to shed perspective on the situation. R.I.P. Colonel Tom