Be Careful: The Matt Mudd story

The cross country audition process is finally finished and it looks like we have a winner, Mark Mudd. Many of you may remember Mr. Mudd as the lazy eyed hillbilly whose great, great grand pappy assisted a presidential assassin and sang a spirited rendition of the George Jones classic White Lightnin' before awkwardly threatening the panel as he left. Well, as the old Kentucky aphorism goes "just 'cause she's yer sister don't don't mean she ain't yer wife" there is indeed more then one side to this story as well! As it turns out, the phrase "Be Careful" is completely the norm in the Louisville area and is used regularly in casual conversation to say farewell. Regional dialect experts say this is most likely a consequence of living in close proximity to murderous hill folk like local rapist and moonshine enthusiast Mark Mudd who if you're not careful will kill and rape you.

Simon: Kisses Cara and Paula, I'm off down the road in search of tea! Ta ta! See you soon Randy my dog!

(Simon walks down the road in search of a warm cuppa)

Mudd: Where you goin' city boy?

Simon: Oh dear! If only someone had warned me to be careful!

Pvt. Jesco reporting for duty

Guess who doesn't know how to edit a post and is typing right now? Give up? It's me! So howdy friend, my name is Jesco and this is my belated introduction! I'm here to keep Murder and Costanza in check and the producers feel I bring a lot of "street cred" to the blog as I have attempted to bang two different AI auditionees (neither of which actually appeared in front of the panel). My posts may not be as "idolcentric as those other two but they are posts.


IT handle: Jesco
Sign:






Favorite Movie: Stomp The Yard
Favorite Song: Only Love Can Break A Heart by Gene Pitney
Favorite Idol: If you don't think Kelly Clarkson is the greatest Idol ever please send me your address so I can come to your house and discuss the finer points of Idoling with you over a snifter of brandy and the broken shards of a Taylor Hicks CD (A.K.A. a soul shank) which I will plunge into your stupid fucking face until the cleansing power of warm blood changes your opinion.
Least Favorite Idol: I'm gonna have to say Hicks but my least favorite contestant is Daughtry... DAUGHTRY!!! At least Hicks' talentles ass has somehow flown under the musical radar but Daughtry refuses to stop tormenting me with his unrelenting Creedness. Fuck you D.
Turn-ons:Eating hardshell tacos in one bite. I fear it will be the death of me, taco-erotic asphyxiation.
Turn-offs: Running out of tacos
Fake Mustache Style: Ancient Chinese wizard style.

Those darn Mormons!

The penultimate auditions show lands in Salt Lake City - home of those lovable Christian cultists, the Mormons! A squeaky clean juxtaposition to last episode's adventures in filthy Jacksonville, there were no police escorts to be found this time around, supplanted by the expected retard parade and a few honest to gosh good vocalists. Let's take a quick spin around auditionland, shall we?

A singing Osmond with M.S.? Way to copy your dad, bro.

"No chance in a million years, huh Simon? Well we'll see what kind of chances YOU have when I unleash my loyal army of lizard men upon you!"

"You may have defeated the lizard men, Simon, but you will find yourself powerless in the face of my dark psychic powers! Do you even know who you're dealing with? I'm the goth sorceress of Salt Lake City! I'll melt your pathetic British face off!"

"Oh god, another bloody psychic? Bugger all. Cleo!! Get in here and get rid of this Hot Topic nightmare!"

"No problem, Simon! Hahahahahahaha! Oooooh, child! Yer e.s.p. be weaker dan watered down jerk sauce! Ya best be movin' on now, 'for Miss Cleo make yer li'l 'ead blow up like dat poor old man wit dem glasses."

"Nooooooooo! I hadn't counted on you having your own psychic! You win this round, Cowell, but I will be back! The goth sorceress shall have her bittersweet revenge!"

(Tara makes wild gesture with her hand. Purple smoke fills room. Purple smoke clears. Tara looks down and slinks off, looking depressed)

If you look up "Mormon" in any dictionary this is the picture you will see. This dude is the epitome of lame. He's even senior class president! If this kid went to high school anywhere but Utah he would be getting his ass handed to him on a bi-daily basis.

Possible evidence that Simon is a zoophile.

Further evidence.

I have nothing bad to say about this chick. She actually had a really cool unusual voice (that all the judges shamelessly jizzed all over) and could go far. I mostly included her here due to the fact that she's a super hot single mom. Yowza!

Better watch your backs Blindey, Dead Wife Guy, poverty gals and Sick Mom Dude! Rose the cute (albeit dirty) hippie has entered the Tear Jerk Olympics and she's in it to win it! Both of her parents are dead. BOTH!!! Plus she evidently can't afford shoes! Take that fellow tear jerkers!

Oh Jesus help us! Everyone run! RUN!!!!! It's the legendary beast woman of the South Pacific!!! Don't just stand there! Look at her - she's HUGE!!!! Oh shit! Where's Seacrest!? For Gods sake WHERE'S SEACREST!!!!

Oh no! Oh dear god no! It's too late for Ryan! Save yourselves!!!!

Tonight we get treated to the final round of auditions. Fox promises it to be the most dramatic episode yet, but they are pretty fond of making such claims and then backing them up with nothing special. Personally I am gearing up for Hollywood week - mostly because I want to see how Los Angeles deals with a rampaging 50 foot woman!

Stay tuned to Idol Threats for breaking news about dead babies, a special edition of Fantasy Smackdown and unflinching coverage of all the Hollywood bedlam! See you in NYC, suckers.

From Crazies to Dirty Feet

Well boys and girls Jacksonville has finally proved to be a place where pussies and inappropriate doll makers gather.

The video I last posted is no longer working because the doll, made in the likeliness of a toddler who was killed, is no longer for sale. The people have spoken! Outraged by the outrageous doll, Showbiz Promotions buried their head in the sand and suspended all sales. I gotta say I'm shocked. In the era of the Barack Obama golden coin I was sure this doll would sell out. Well, Jacksonville you have restored a bit of my faith in the American people. Unfortunately, not in the American singer.

The last time I saw that much crying I was 16 at the opening of Titanic, and yes, it was me.

Sharon Wilbur and her dog Sasha made it to Hwood and I don't know how. I mean she sang OK, except when she was singing baby. It was like her mouth couldn't pronounce the word. It sounded babay or baaabaay. I wonder if she ever lived with Mr. Murder? I did and am just now able to use the word. But she is obviously obsessed with her dog and that's annoying. I mean it's a dumb lap dog! It would be different if she had cats and they do tricks -- like me!


We shall see if this dog lovin' already attempted an album Floridian makes it past Hollywood Hell Week.


Young Janet Jackson look-a-like, Jasmine Murray was great! Finally we are able to see someone that can actually sing! She's cute and likable, it will be hard for Mr. Murder to slam this one.....


Now on to Salt Lake City.......

The audition that sticks out in my head the most is Frankie Jordon. HATE HER! This Amy Winehouse imitator wowed the judges and I just can't understand. What happened to originality? There is nothing original about copying someone who is! Besides all that, AMY FUCKING WINEHOUSE! All we need is one. I learned this lesson when I was a fan of Taylor Hicks, we already have one or two of those and we don't need no more!!!! I hope she doesn't make it past Hell Week, it will be just like that raspy voiced chick from last year, one trick poney! I'm hating on you fake Amy!!

It seems like everyone in Salt Lake City is a fucking mom. Fake Amy is and so is tattoo arm. Difference? Tattoo was actually good.








This 22 year-old mother has a pretty sweet sleeve tattoo, which is conveniently hidden in this pic. However, she has an original voice, hot, a divorcee and has a bad ass tattoo. GO Megan Corkrey!


I think they would make a good fantasy match up. Maybe they can have their kids fight. That's exactly what season 8 is missing. A good ol' fashion...

BABY FIGHT!!!

And then there is sissy-boy-class-president Austin Siseros. This guy! What a wuss! He's hard at work leading the his fellow students down a path of boring adulthood. Nice song pics buddy, way to be 35 in a 17 year-old body. The only thing that's saving you is you kinda remind me of Will Stronghold which in turn, reminds me of "I'll go to jail for you my son." So you're safe for now. Just stop being a walking vagina and you'll do ok.









I'll sum it up with two that I think I'll remember. Taylor Vaifanua, the 17-year-old amazon. She did justice to Joyful Joyful and will make it past Hollywood Week for sure. Then there's the cute little hippie chick Rose Flack. Yes, she has extremely dirty feet and probably smells but she's cute and sings well. Good luck little hippie.

















Thursday promises the last 2 cities of auditions, just in time for Hollywood Week, starting Tuesday! Who will make it? Who will be sent home ashamed and broken? Time will tell. One thing is certain, the crying will continue.

Jacksonville: cesspool of the South

This week we found ourselves in Jacksonville, Florida! I loved how the show tried to make the city seem appealing when everyone knows it's a crime-ridden shit hole. I've never been there myself but I have it on good authority that it's a locale one should steer clear from at almost any cost. With that said, here are some of my musings on last nights auditions...

Dude. I'm sorry but beat boxing on American Idol is sooooooooo 2007.

This chick has excellent taste.

"I'm coming for you, Mia! Your unbelievably shrieky horrifying high notes got nothin' on mine! Check this shit out!"

(Naomi hits brutally shrill high note)

"Oooooops. Soory, old guy with glasses! hee hee"

Seriously, what did I tell you pussies? NO CRYING IN POP MUSIC!!!! Goddamnit.

Best friends forever.

"Have you ever seen a more fabulous tranny? Pre-op too! I know, right!? Totally fooled you guys!"

Seriously, dude? Seriously!? I've had enough of this shit. This is the last time I'm saying it - NO FUCKING CRYING IN FUCKING POP MUSIC!!!!!!

"See! I TOLD you guys I was a power bottom!"

The epitome of totally fucking bad ass.

So there you have it, kids! Last night's episode was chock full of hilarious homoerotic moments (the hottest being when Kara's boob almost popped out after Paula "made out" with her) and a disturbing amount of crying in pop music. The usual bevy of mildly retarded youngsters were ridiculed and a few decent singers made it through to Hollywood (but AI failed yet again to show us much footage of them). All in all a pretty good ep. I have higher hopes for tonight's Salt Lake City episode though - them Mormons is crazy!!!

Come on Jacksonville!

Next stop on the search for the next American saddest sob story is Jacksonville, Florida. It's sure to be a good one, if it's anything like Jacksonville Cops. Florida is a place of wonder and amazement, I'm sure it will produce.

The citizens of Florida have been through many trying times. Miami was once the cocaine capital of the United States, gangsters ran around town, killing folks all over the place. (Just saw a documentary Cocaine Cowboys, check it out).


The most recent tragedy that rang Florida's bell was the case of young Caylee Anthony. She was reported missing, her mother was arrested then they found her remains in a plastic bag. To help us heal through this horrible event the great people of Florida has given us the Caylee Anthony doll.

Showbiz Promotions created "The Inspirational Caylee Sunshine Doll" available online for 30 big ones. Thanks for the inspiration. The site that's slangin the must have doll put together a great video featuring a risque young girl playing with the doll on a swing set -- in a dress...



I had a few extra dollars last month and was pondering the best way to spend it, considering these rough economic times. Thank you Showbiz Promotions!

In about 24 hours we will see what Jacksonville has to offer. I will do my best to stay sober this time!!! (No promises)

Idol Fantasy Smackdown! Live results show!

The dust has cleared, the blood has coagulated and the winners have been separated from the losers like so many unhappy spouses. Hopefully you chose wisely and your team came out on top! If not, there's always next time. So without any further aimless retardation... the results of Idol Fantasy Smackdown!

Round 1

VS.










Even though Mr. Zebra shows much more dedication to his costume, Mr. Banana has "prop singing" down to a science. Also, whereas Mr. Zebra was merely doing an interesting take on a Tori Amos tune, Mr. Banana seems to have been performing an original piece (or at least one that I'd never heard) making him the more original piece.

Final Score
Mr. Banana: 67
Mr. Zebra: 53








Round 2

VS.

This was a close one. Chelsea Marquardt is clearly hotter and slightly less mentally deranged than Tiffany Shedd but that will only lead to roles in "classier" pornographic fare. Tiffany's child-like mind and trailer park looks will surely land her in all manner of amateur handicam fuckfests. Young Tiff will be gagging on horse cum and dining on fecal parfaits in no time. That said, she gets the edge.

Final Score
Chelsea: 53
Tiffany: 57

Round 3

VS.












Season 6 contestant Gina Glocksen has held the title of AI Blow Job Queen for a few years now so if you ask me it's a bout time a challenger entered the fray. As if on cue, Felicia Barton comes storming into the Thunderdome with a booming voice and a chance to usurp Gina's sloppy throne! While the lovely Miss Glocksen clearly has the face of a champion dick sucker, Miss Barton is much chubbier - and since everybody knows fat chicks give the best head (not to mention the fact that her name sounds kind of like fellatio), this round goes to her.

Final Score
Gina: 82
Felicia: 90








Round 4

VS.








This was another hard one (but not like the "hard one" I got during the previous two rounds) since both of these chicks have good voices and shitty financial situations. After a brutal fight that could only be described as an "endurance test", Lil Rounds managed to defeat Leneshe Young and her 38 immediate family members with the help of her huge (and pissed off) husband and their ravenous offspring (ravenous, somewhat obviously, from months deprived of sustenance).

Final Score
Lil: 24
Leneshe: 18

Round 5

VS.









In a biting, scratching, fish-hooking, ball-twisting tard brawl that was WAY scarier than the totally gay Platinum Dunes remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Ross Plavsic was dismembered and partially eaten by Mike Nicewonder. This was really not that surprising seeing as Mike is way more authentically "backwoods" and also scored a medal during the 1998 Special Olympics in the kill, skin and eat a hapless teenager event.

Final Score:
Nicewonder: 132
Plavsic: 0









and finally... Round 6

VS.














In this, the final round of battle for this inaugural edition of Fantasy Smackdown, we have old school pill-popping favorite Paula Abdul one-on-one with new-coming rabble rouser Kara DioGuardi! Although I was down on the new judge at first I have since become a huge Kara fan! Paula never engages in singing duels with contestants, nor does she break the hearts of shitty singers by misinterpreting their performances as jokes! Hell, she doesn't even make totally inappropriate comments about barely legal contestants fucking their boyfriends! What the fuck, Paula!? Kara wins this round easily. You better step it up if you hope to stand a chance in the rematch, Abdul!

Final Score
Paula: 34
Kara: 46

So there it is! The first of many epic battles has now drawn to a close. Tally up your team's total score and leave a comment or something - boasting about how you beat the living shit out of your friends, family and respective live-in drifters. Also, stay tuned! Auditions roll on starting tomorrow and I'm sure there will be many more weirdos, maladroits and high functioning retards to make fun of! Be here or be square, fuckers!