Those darn Mormons!

The penultimate auditions show lands in Salt Lake City - home of those lovable Christian cultists, the Mormons! A squeaky clean juxtaposition to last episode's adventures in filthy Jacksonville, there were no police escorts to be found this time around, supplanted by the expected retard parade and a few honest to gosh good vocalists. Let's take a quick spin around auditionland, shall we?

A singing Osmond with M.S.? Way to copy your dad, bro.

"No chance in a million years, huh Simon? Well we'll see what kind of chances YOU have when I unleash my loyal army of lizard men upon you!"

"You may have defeated the lizard men, Simon, but you will find yourself powerless in the face of my dark psychic powers! Do you even know who you're dealing with? I'm the goth sorceress of Salt Lake City! I'll melt your pathetic British face off!"

"Oh god, another bloody psychic? Bugger all. Cleo!! Get in here and get rid of this Hot Topic nightmare!"

"No problem, Simon! Hahahahahahaha! Oooooh, child! Yer e.s.p. be weaker dan watered down jerk sauce! Ya best be movin' on now, 'for Miss Cleo make yer li'l 'ead blow up like dat poor old man wit dem glasses."

"Nooooooooo! I hadn't counted on you having your own psychic! You win this round, Cowell, but I will be back! The goth sorceress shall have her bittersweet revenge!"

(Tara makes wild gesture with her hand. Purple smoke fills room. Purple smoke clears. Tara looks down and slinks off, looking depressed)

If you look up "Mormon" in any dictionary this is the picture you will see. This dude is the epitome of lame. He's even senior class president! If this kid went to high school anywhere but Utah he would be getting his ass handed to him on a bi-daily basis.

Possible evidence that Simon is a zoophile.

Further evidence.

I have nothing bad to say about this chick. She actually had a really cool unusual voice (that all the judges shamelessly jizzed all over) and could go far. I mostly included her here due to the fact that she's a super hot single mom. Yowza!

Better watch your backs Blindey, Dead Wife Guy, poverty gals and Sick Mom Dude! Rose the cute (albeit dirty) hippie has entered the Tear Jerk Olympics and she's in it to win it! Both of her parents are dead. BOTH!!! Plus she evidently can't afford shoes! Take that fellow tear jerkers!

Oh Jesus help us! Everyone run! RUN!!!!! It's the legendary beast woman of the South Pacific!!! Don't just stand there! Look at her - she's HUGE!!!! Oh shit! Where's Seacrest!? For Gods sake WHERE'S SEACREST!!!!

Oh no! Oh dear god no! It's too late for Ryan! Save yourselves!!!!

Tonight we get treated to the final round of auditions. Fox promises it to be the most dramatic episode yet, but they are pretty fond of making such claims and then backing them up with nothing special. Personally I am gearing up for Hollywood week - mostly because I want to see how Los Angeles deals with a rampaging 50 foot woman!

Stay tuned to Idol Threats for breaking news about dead babies, a special edition of Fantasy Smackdown and unflinching coverage of all the Hollywood bedlam! See you in NYC, suckers.