Season 8 episode three (audition phase 5) brings the Idol crew to San Fransisco, California! Home of many a worthless hippie and a couple of failed would-be Idols (remember Katharine McPhee? She lost to Taylor Hicks - that's like the Idol equivalent of a college graduate being bested in trivial pursuit by an 8 year old with downs syndrome). Fortunately there were very few hippies in attendance and they were pretty much limited to looking stupid in the outdoor crowd shots. Unfortunately there were also very few impressive singers in attendance so we were treated to a cavalcade of mediocrity - a crop of singers who weren't anywhere near good enough to advance to Hollywood, but who weren't bad enough to be funny. Ugh.
Let's get this over with quickly, shall we?
Speaking of not good enough to advance to Hollywood, let me introduce you to...
Latina Heat!
This chick is reportedly from Puerto Rico but only exhibits an accent when actually saying "Puerto Rico" which makes me question the validity of her ethnicity. She came with a press kit and is full of misplaced ambition and confidence, somewhat bolstered by the prediction of her psychic friend (evidently one of the "most powerful psychics in the world") that she would make the top 12. Despite her bad singing and obnoxious fake laugh she makes it through to Hollywood, presumably due to her drama potential. In the face of the dark arts, I cannot hope to make an accurate prediction so we brought in our own psychic friend to gaze into the ether and pull forth the fate of Latina Heat:
This chick is reportedly from Puerto Rico but only exhibits an accent when actually saying "Puerto Rico" which makes me question the validity of her ethnicity. She came with a press kit and is full of misplaced ambition and confidence, somewhat bolstered by the prediction of her psychic friend (evidently one of the "most powerful psychics in the world") that she would make the top 12. Despite her bad singing and obnoxious fake laugh she makes it through to Hollywood, presumably due to her drama potential. In the face of the dark arts, I cannot hope to make an accurate prediction so we brought in our own psychic friend to gaze into the ether and pull forth the fate of Latina Heat:
"Miss Cleo been lookin' inda her crystal balls. Miss Cleo be seein' Latina Heat in Hollywood singin 'er little 'eart out. Miss Cleo also be seein' Latina Heat gettin' 'liminated early. Oh! Whad's dis? Miss Cleo be lookin' deeper inda dem crystal balls. Miss Cleo be seein' Latina Heat back in Puerto Rico givin' tree doller tug jobs. Oh my! oh my! Wait. Whad's dis? Miss Cleo be seein' dem IRS agends comin' 'round da corner. Time come Miss Cleo godda go. Miss Cleo godda find a new safe house. Bye-bye now! Miss Cleo be lubbin' ya!"
Thanks, Cleo. Your insight is incomparable. I think I speak for the IT staff as well as our readership when I say we all lub you and miss you terribly.
P.S. send weed!
moving on...
P.S. send weed!
moving on...
The Magic Bum!
This is the one guy at the auditions that actually looked like he was from San Fransisco, even though he's really from Pasadena. He says he's a "failed entrepreneur" which possibly explains the fantastic hobo jacket and Dickensian fingerless glove motif. Predictably, he sucks at singing almost as much as he sucks at life and the judges send him on his merry way back to whatever bridge he's currently sleeping beneath.
If you happen to be in the Pasadena area and you see the Magic Bum, throw a quarter his way. You never know - he may grant you a wish or pull out his enchanted flute and spirit you away to the magical hobo jungle where the whiskey rivers flow and the trees sprout cigarettes. At very least he will do a cheerful jig and sing you a song (just make sure it's not Stars by Simply Red).
Next up...
This is the one guy at the auditions that actually looked like he was from San Fransisco, even though he's really from Pasadena. He says he's a "failed entrepreneur" which possibly explains the fantastic hobo jacket and Dickensian fingerless glove motif. Predictably, he sucks at singing almost as much as he sucks at life and the judges send him on his merry way back to whatever bridge he's currently sleeping beneath.
If you happen to be in the Pasadena area and you see the Magic Bum, throw a quarter his way. You never know - he may grant you a wish or pull out his enchanted flute and spirit you away to the magical hobo jungle where the whiskey rivers flow and the trees sprout cigarettes. At very least he will do a cheerful jig and sing you a song (just make sure it's not Stars by Simply Red).
Next up...
Jesus Valenzula SuperDad
You might think that the two Hispanic youths pictured above are but wee religious fanatics that love Jesus (as in Christ) but you would be mistaken. They are in fact wee American Idol fanatics that love Jesus (as in their scrawny dad - also pictured above). They are also the only reason that Jesus got through to Hollywood week. Jesus' singing fell somewhere between okay and kinda bad, and if it wasn't for Simon inspiring a coup by inviting his brats into the audition room this dude would have been sent packing. I actually didn't find the kids all that cute, but after some borderline inappropriate touching Jesus was saved, continuing this episodes disturbing trend of sending long-shots through to the next round. I predict a Hollywood exit. What's that, Cleo? You too? Nice.
Bad touch! Bad touch!!!!
You might think that the two Hispanic youths pictured above are but wee religious fanatics that love Jesus (as in Christ) but you would be mistaken. They are in fact wee American Idol fanatics that love Jesus (as in their scrawny dad - also pictured above). They are also the only reason that Jesus got through to Hollywood week. Jesus' singing fell somewhere between okay and kinda bad, and if it wasn't for Simon inspiring a coup by inviting his brats into the audition room this dude would have been sent packing. I actually didn't find the kids all that cute, but after some borderline inappropriate touching Jesus was saved, continuing this episodes disturbing trend of sending long-shots through to the next round. I predict a Hollywood exit. What's that, Cleo? You too? Nice.
Bad touch! Bad touch!!!!Moving on...
meet the Walking Medical Dictionary!
This chick was seriously like one of those crazies you meet on the bus late at night. You know, the ones that talk to themselves incessantly with a sort of deranged stream of conciousness? She came equipped with a large stack of loose papers made up of "original songs" and anatomical diagrams (supposedly to help her emulate the sound of a gospel singer). Pretty much everything that came out of this chick's mouth sounded like mispronounced Carcass lyrics. In fact I think she may have quoted Vomited Anal Tract in it's entirety when describing how one sings from one's rectum:
"Oral eruption
Rectal extroversion...
Your vagus implodes, as nausea strikes
Savaging your body in terminal retch
Violent spasms and decaying enzymes
Engulf your throat as you belch
Intestinal disturbance, your ileum turns inside-out
Your duodenum is thrust up towards your mouth
Your pancreas excretes stale septic pus
Your whole digestive system is now a sticky mush
Rectal vomit in your thorax
Retch your anal tract
Liquidized oesophagus mixes with bloodied excretion
As you pathetically gasp for breath
The stench of hot faeces scorch your nose
As you violently vomit to death
Your intestines are rising, up towards your throat
Stale bile escaping through your bloodied nose
Your colon digested into acidic slush
Your tongue gargling on your dislocated anus"
See. Verbatim I swear. Anyway, she sucked at singing (shocker), sounding something like Macy Gray coughing up razor blades (which brings to mind a different Carcass tune). Maybe she can find forbidden hobo love with the Magic Bum on a smelly bus somewhere. Now that would be enchanting.
This chick was seriously like one of those crazies you meet on the bus late at night. You know, the ones that talk to themselves incessantly with a sort of deranged stream of conciousness? She came equipped with a large stack of loose papers made up of "original songs" and anatomical diagrams (supposedly to help her emulate the sound of a gospel singer). Pretty much everything that came out of this chick's mouth sounded like mispronounced Carcass lyrics. In fact I think she may have quoted Vomited Anal Tract in it's entirety when describing how one sings from one's rectum:
"Oral eruption
Rectal extroversion...
Your vagus implodes, as nausea strikes
Savaging your body in terminal retch
Violent spasms and decaying enzymes
Engulf your throat as you belch
Intestinal disturbance, your ileum turns inside-out
Your duodenum is thrust up towards your mouth
Your pancreas excretes stale septic pus
Your whole digestive system is now a sticky mush
Rectal vomit in your thorax
Retch your anal tract
Liquidized oesophagus mixes with bloodied excretion
As you pathetically gasp for breath
The stench of hot faeces scorch your nose
As you violently vomit to death
Your intestines are rising, up towards your throat
Stale bile escaping through your bloodied nose
Your colon digested into acidic slush
Your tongue gargling on your dislocated anus"
See. Verbatim I swear. Anyway, she sucked at singing (shocker), sounding something like Macy Gray coughing up razor blades (which brings to mind a different Carcass tune). Maybe she can find forbidden hobo love with the Magic Bum on a smelly bus somewhere. Now that would be enchanting.
So far, San Fransisco has been thoroughly underwhelming - offering up mostly long-shots and weirdos. We did see a brief montage (about half way through the episode) of three hopefuls that actually seemed to make it through on talent! There was some dude with hippie hair that sang Stevie Wonder, an Asian-looking chick that did Natural Woman semi-decently and this little hottie:
She sang Son of a Preacher Man pretty okay and her hotness presents definite upside, but after the IT research team did some digging it seems that her rather heinous downside has reared it's ugly, hyperactive, wholly overrated, unfunny head...
The bitch is dating Dane fucking Cook! Can you believe it? Dane Cook is like one of the five biggest douche bags on the planet currently. Does this mean that if Raquel gets past the Hollywood round we will be subjected to this asshole during our AI time? That is totally unacceptable. It's bad enough I can't turn on HBO or Comedy Central without seeing his smirking fratty mug, I don't need him invading my holy karaoke sanctuary as well! People of America - I implore you - if this bitch makes it past the first few rounds DO NOT VOTE FOR HER!!!! SEND HER PACKING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!! HER AND HER NO-ACCOUNT BOYFRIEND!!! KEEP AMERICAN IDOL DANE COOK FREE!!!!!
Soooooooooo, who's next? Let's see...
She sang Son of a Preacher Man pretty okay and her hotness presents definite upside, but after the IT research team did some digging it seems that her rather heinous downside has reared it's ugly, hyperactive, wholly overrated, unfunny head...
The bitch is dating Dane fucking Cook! Can you believe it? Dane Cook is like one of the five biggest douche bags on the planet currently. Does this mean that if Raquel gets past the Hollywood round we will be subjected to this asshole during our AI time? That is totally unacceptable. It's bad enough I can't turn on HBO or Comedy Central without seeing his smirking fratty mug, I don't need him invading my holy karaoke sanctuary as well! People of America - I implore you - if this bitch makes it past the first few rounds DO NOT VOTE FOR HER!!!! SEND HER PACKING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!! HER AND HER NO-ACCOUNT BOYFRIEND!!! KEEP AMERICAN IDOL DANE COOK FREE!!!!!
Soooooooooo, who's next? Let's see...
The Gay Kid that Kara wants to fuck
This kid sang okay and has a well maintained emo haircut. Plus he's totally gay! That didn't stop our friendly neighborhood predatory cougar, Kara DioGuardi from making bedroom eyes at him and practically cumming over his performance. I'm not 100% sure but I think she mouthed "lets fuck" during his audition and licked her lips. I can pretty much go either way on dude but I am becoming a bigger Kara fan with every passing episode.
Let's bring the San Fransisco roundup to a close with Kai. Kai is from San Clemente and looks a lot like Rick Fox. He spends most of every day taking care of his sick mom who has some sort of seizure condition. This bums Kai out because all the hours he spends helping dear old ma really cuts into his "smoking weed and surfing" time.
Kai hopes to win American Idol so he can buy a house and a nurse for his mom and get back to his busy schedule of chillin' at the beach. He sings okay but his best shot at Idol domination is his inclusion in what I call the Tear Jerk Olympics. He joins Blindy (from episode 1) and Dead Wife Guy (from episode 2) in the quest to tug most fiercely at America's heartstrings. I have to say though, that he better hope mom takes a turn for the worse 'cause blindness and death totally outweigh illness - no matter how severe. Maybe if he gets the other two guys high before every performance they will suffer Jason Castro-like weed shock and fuck up their songs. We can only hope.
So that's pretty much it. San Fransisco was pretty craptastic. I'll throw it up to Juice Box for her musings on this weeks auditions. Until next ti-
What was that? Akilah's still here? Still quoting Carcass songs? Oh okay. Paula's on it...
Paula: Hey, Akilah. It's time to go, sweetie.
Akilah: Come on Paula! You had one hit when I was a child in the early 80s! You know I love you!
Paula: I love you too, hunny. You're beautiful! But you really have to leave.
Akilah: But Paula, I was just singing from the wrong rectum! I swear! Give me one last chance!
Paula: Honestly, Akilah, the Carcass lyrics have got to stop. You're scaring Seacrest.
Akilah: But Paula-
Paula: Seriously, sweetie, you HAVE to go now.
(Akilah cocks her head to the side and her eyes kind of glaze over)
Akilah: You better take your hands off me you miniature bitch! I don't even give a fuck that you had one hit in the early 80s when I was a child! I will take this rusty razor and slice you right in the tray-shee-ah! I swear to GOD!
This kid sang okay and has a well maintained emo haircut. Plus he's totally gay! That didn't stop our friendly neighborhood predatory cougar, Kara DioGuardi from making bedroom eyes at him and practically cumming over his performance. I'm not 100% sure but I think she mouthed "lets fuck" during his audition and licked her lips. I can pretty much go either way on dude but I am becoming a bigger Kara fan with every passing episode.
Let's bring the San Fransisco roundup to a close with Kai. Kai is from San Clemente and looks a lot like Rick Fox. He spends most of every day taking care of his sick mom who has some sort of seizure condition. This bums Kai out because all the hours he spends helping dear old ma really cuts into his "smoking weed and surfing" time.
Kai hopes to win American Idol so he can buy a house and a nurse for his mom and get back to his busy schedule of chillin' at the beach. He sings okay but his best shot at Idol domination is his inclusion in what I call the Tear Jerk Olympics. He joins Blindy (from episode 1) and Dead Wife Guy (from episode 2) in the quest to tug most fiercely at America's heartstrings. I have to say though, that he better hope mom takes a turn for the worse 'cause blindness and death totally outweigh illness - no matter how severe. Maybe if he gets the other two guys high before every performance they will suffer Jason Castro-like weed shock and fuck up their songs. We can only hope.
So that's pretty much it. San Fransisco was pretty craptastic. I'll throw it up to Juice Box for her musings on this weeks auditions. Until next ti-
What was that? Akilah's still here? Still quoting Carcass songs? Oh okay. Paula's on it...
Paula: Hey, Akilah. It's time to go, sweetie.
Akilah: Come on Paula! You had one hit when I was a child in the early 80s! You know I love you!
Paula: I love you too, hunny. You're beautiful! But you really have to leave.
Akilah: But Paula, I was just singing from the wrong rectum! I swear! Give me one last chance!
Paula: Honestly, Akilah, the Carcass lyrics have got to stop. You're scaring Seacrest.
Akilah: But Paula-
Paula: Seriously, sweetie, you HAVE to go now.
(Akilah cocks her head to the side and her eyes kind of glaze over)
Akilah: You better take your hands off me you miniature bitch! I don't even give a fuck that you had one hit in the early 80s when I was a child! I will take this rusty razor and slice you right in the tray-shee-ah! I swear to GOD!
Mia: Did somebody say God? You better not be talkin' shit on my homey like that, girl! Me and God 'bout to whoop your crazy ass!
Akilah: You come over here and try it, you tranny-lookin' cunt!
(Mia hits heinously shrill high note. Akilah's head explodes. Paula runs out of the room screaming)
...
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