American Idol braves hell on earth

So with last night came the return to splendor that we have all been waiting for as American Idol season 8 kicked off it's preliminary auditions phase in the sweltering heat of the Arizona desert. Why they would ever choose Phoenix to host anything is far beyond me. Have you ever been there? I have. It sucks. Living in Phoenix is, in my estimation, roughly comparable to living in a city located somewhere on the taint of the world's fattest man while he's running a marathon in the Sahara desert. My only theory is that opening the season in this hell hole is but a cruel joke on the part of the AI producers - making the already arduous audition process more heinously brutal than was previously thought possible by staging it in a venue that even snakes and lizards find uninhabitable. The harsh nature of the setting did provide some inspired moments though, such as Seacrest's dainty frame almost being blown, like a wispy dandelion, into the Grand canyon by a rogue gust of wind; gratuitous close-ups of sweaty teenagers and of course this:


I suppose that's as good a segue as any into our Arizona round up. Let's just get this out of the way and kick things off sexy like with Kara DioGuardi rival and media darling Bikini Girl! So what if she's basically a butter face and has a chest like a backboard? She has a totally nice ass, she got in a singing duel with the new judge and she traded Simon a boner for a ticket to Hollywood - what's not to love? Seriously, wearing the bikini was such an excellent move as far as playing the game is concerned, this chick would be a serious contender... if she could sing better. I predict that she will be eliminated during Hollywood week but I am looking forward to what kind of outfit she chooses as a follow-up. Will she go for an even skimpier bikini? Some kind of lingerie? Maybe she'll take Kara's advise and show up naked! Or will she attempt to class it up with a tasteful one-piece? I don't know about you, but the rest of the Nation and I await the answer to that question with (mastur)baited breath.

Oh, she also gets major points for making Seacrest totally uncomfortable. Did you guys see her lay one on him by the pool? He looked completely terrified. Hilarious. Contrary to popular belief though, Seacrest's aversion to kissing girls has nothing to do with his sexual orientation. He actually has a very serious cootie allergy and really can't be fucking around near the orifices of the fairer sex. That said, bikini girl's awkward attempt at a sloppy mouth kiss was nothing if not solid television gold. Brava!

While we're on the topic of wee little Seacrest, it seemed like the lovable elf just couldn't catch a break last night - besieged at every turn by awkwardness. Juice Box already mentioned his horrifically ill-fated attempt at high fiving a blind dude, and in case you missed the actual moment - here it is, frozen in time for all of us to wince at for eternity.


Way to go dude. He's fucking BLIND!!! You did like twenty voice over pieces on him for Christ's sake! If you weren't the hardest working leprechaun in show business I would boot you into the Grand canyon myself!

So, while we're on the topic, let's move on to the dude pictured above (that isn't Seacrest) - the Blind Master. Not only are the shows producers salivating and rubbing their junk over this guy like a priest at Disneyland, but he is a shoe-in if he makes it through Hollywood week based on sympathy votes alone! That, coupled with the fact that dude can actually sing, is a crippling blow to pretty much every other Idol hopeful out there this year. I mean, this guy is like some sort of genetic experiment gone awry - scientists were splicing the DNA of Stevie Wonder and Billy Joel together and this is the result. He also has pandering down pat - sporting a special shirt to appeal to Simon's love of his homeland. Good luck everybody else! You're gonna need it.

On a related note, it occurred to me that this guy actually had no idea what the shirt really said. I mean, his friends could have pulled a major burn on him and dressed him in a shirt proclaiming "England Sucks" or something like that and he would have been none the wiser! It is my opinion that the other contestants this year will have to sink to similar shady tactics in order to get a leg up on Blindy. Not that I condone it, but sometimes the truth is brutal. Just ask Dan Lilker.

We actually did get some good old fashioned Brit hatin' from that one kid who sang the kind of weird version of "Baby Come To Me" and made off-handed disparaging remarks about tea and the British National anthem (or perhaps the sex pistols song of the same name - I'm not quite sure). I have to agree with Simon that his version of the song didn't really work and I predict a swift exit during Hollywood week, but he does get extra points for requesting chorus harmonies from Randy.

Let's move on to my personal favorite from last night...

Gay Vampire Kid

I honestly hope that Gay Vampire Kid goes far in the competition. Not only does he look like a villain in an anime, or maybe the fifth Jonas brother (that got kicked out of the band for worshiping Satan) , he also makes horror films and comes with an entourage of cute punky chicks! Not to mention the fact that he rolls with his chubby albino brother who obviously spends most of his time locked in the family attic picking the bones of the babysitters they feed him.

If I was competing against Gay Vampire Kid I would watch my back for fear of him letting that thing off it's chain. I mean seriously, you could see little bro drooling over all the tender young flesh on parade at the auditions. I can only imagine what kind of unholy bloodshed will occur when it runs afoul of Bikini Girl! Gay Vamp Kid should seriously consider that situation though, since it would make a hell of a horror movie and ya know, he's into that.

But perhaps I digress...

Let's move on to the chick that looks kind of like Marilyn Manson but waaaaaayyyyy creepier. I'm not joking. There I was, enjoying AI when BAM! She pops up on my screen. I did a spit take with the Sprite I was drinking at the time. It was utterly horrifying. It was like watching one of those internet things that tell you to look really close at the screen and then flash some horrific image in your face just to fuck with you! I'll post a picture so that, in case you missed the show last night, you can share in the terror. But I warn you - scroll down at the risk of suffering heinous nightmares for a while - this shit is not for the faint of heart...



OH DEAR GOD!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY!!!! IT'S BURNING MY SOUL WITH THOSE EVIL DEMON EYES!!!!! KILL IT!!!! KILL IT NOW!!!!!!
See. I warned you. Welcome to nightmare land. Unfortunately this creepy ass chick has a pretty cool voice (sort of raspy/smokey. Reminiscent of that nurse chick from last season... but good) so she's going to Hollywood and I'll bet she will advance past that round too, so I guess the nightmare won't end for a while.

So let us take a respite from the horrors of Gay Vampire Kid and Marilyn Manson Chick in the tender embrace of criminally cute 16 year old, Arianna Somethinorother.


If you look up "jailbait" in the dictionary this is the picture you see. You think I'm fucking with you? Go get a dictionary, smartass... I can wait... See!? I told you. She sang pretty good and the judges loved her, plus she started some program that forces teens into spending time with cantankerous geriatrics (presumably for school credit or to chip away at all that masturbation guilt) so she's a shoe-in to make it far in the competition. My only advise to her is to steer well clear of Gay Vamp Kid and his freakish albino, lest she find herself in a starring role in his newest opus and, shortly thereafter, raped to death and mutilated beyond all recognition.

Let's move on, shall we? After Gay Vampire Kid, this chick is my fave so far:

Nose Ring Girl!

This girl is clearly a badass. I have been disappointed again and again by the "rock n roll chicks" that have graced the AI stage in the past. The last couple years have had a particularly lame crop of such girls - the Irish chick from last year was totally overrated (not to mention a dirty rotten cheater) and that nurse with the raspy voice defined "awkward"; at least Gina Glocksen from season 6 looked like she could give a mean blow job, but even exemplary fellatio skills could not compensate for her silly fake rock bullshit. That said, I think Nose Ring Girl may be the first rock n roll chick to actually bring the rock.
She looks like the punk rock version of Gem, she nailed Barracuda flawlessly, she has style and skill and I would totally put money on her easily reaching the top 12. 'Nuff said.

Ooooooooohhhhh barracuda!!

Oh and check out this picture of Ugly Jessica Beil! I think it was funny that Simon said she needed to grow "teeth" (and yes I understand his meaning) when there she is, sporting a total horse maw FULL of giant teeth. I know Simon's not the most tactful dude around but that was just fuckin' mean.


I think she was pretty good. My guess is that she will go pretty far. At least past Hollywood week. I also wouldn't be surprised if she heeded Simon's words and became the most cold, calculating survivalist cunt on the entire show - cutting the brake lines in the cars of her rivals, slipping them candies spiked with horse laxatives on performance nights and maybe even strangling a bitch or two backstage. If any of this comes to fruition, she will be everyones only hope against the raging albino. Good luck, horsey!

There were a handful of others that made it through to Hollywood, but honestly they weren't really that memorable so we'll just have to catch up with them as the season rolls on (if they stick around, that is).

I'll leave you with a cavalcade of spectacular failure. These douches are living proof that AI is not, as popular belief would indicate, moving away from the awful singers in the early rounds. If you missed any of these fuckheads consider your ears lucky. Here we go, kids...

Delusional psycho who has written over 100 songs (you know they all suck ass) and tried to sing some dance hit. She was awful and she even groveled a little. Shameless. I love that her idol, Kara DioGuardi, was the one to smash her dreams against the rocks like so many babies in a Shakespearean soliloquy.

Befroed douche bag that did the worst Michael Jackson impression I've ever seen. The look of disappointment on his face when he got four "nos" was the stuff of shaddenfreud wet dreams.

This retard brought his guitar into the audition room and didn't even use it. He then proceeded to flail around like an epileptic while seemingly freestyling a confounding song that seemed like it might be about his penis. Weird.

I really wanted to find a picture of that uberdouche "rock star in a box" guy that cried through the entire process. Even if his singing had been passable (it wasn't) he still wouldn't have deserved a spot in Hollywood. Evidently someone forgot to tell Mr. Pussy that THERE'S NO CRYING IN POP MUSIC!!!!!

So anyway, it was a pretty good premier ep, all things considered. Tune in tomorrow for coverage on episode 2! Later, fuckers!