So before we start down the long and treacherously winding "Peewee road" of Idol season 8, we thought you might want to get to know us - your humble guides through the emotional minefield looming in the distance. As a well-known 1980s songstress once remarked - love is a battlefield, and we stand before you - fearless generals leading our troops to bloody, sweaty, feces-smeared, semen-soaked glory.
And now... without further meandering bullshit... ladies and gentlemen, the guilty parties:
Mike Murder
IT handle: creepycrooner
Sign: slippery when wet
Favorite Movie: 2 girls 1 cup
Favorite Song: No More I Love Yous (Annie Lennox version, somewhat obviously)
Favorite Idol: that's a hard one - if you combine Kelly Clarkson's voice, Jordin Sparks' devil-may-care spunk, David Cook's rock n roll swagger and Ruben Studdard's excellent rack - that would be my favorite Idol.
Least Favorite Idol: that's an easy one - Taylor Hicks hands down. I mean seriously, soul patrol? Go fuck yourself.
Turn-ons: Randy Jackson's flattop, honesty, when a girl touches your arm every time she laughs (like in that one Seinfeld ep), meatloaf.
Turn-offs: crying in pop music, Taylor Hicks, that new AI judge, when Serafina talks about her cats, celery.
Fake Mustache Style: John Waters
Serafina Costanza
IT handle: Juice Box
Sign: dangerous curves ahead
Favorite Movie: Sky High
Favorite Song: Bette Davis Eyes (kinda shitty Gwyneth Paltrow version from the Duets soundtrack, somewhat obviously)
Favorite Idol: Kelly Clarkson 'cause she's Miss Independant, motherfucker!
Least Favorite Idol: David Cook 'cause he's a douche bag.
Turn-ons: cats (the animal not the musical of the same name), the kid that glows from Sky High (I'd go to jail for you, my son!), Polacks, walks on the beach, cheap wine, Nancy Sinatra karaoke.
Turn-offs: Mike not caring about my cats, sneaky gypsy neighbors, being woken up (particularly by family members), coffee shops with no free refills (WTF!?)
Fake Mustache Style: Adolf Hitler/Charlie Chaplin (your choice)
IT handle: creepycrooner
Sign: slippery when wet
Favorite Movie: 2 girls 1 cup
Favorite Song: No More I Love Yous (Annie Lennox version, somewhat obviously)
Favorite Idol: that's a hard one - if you combine Kelly Clarkson's voice, Jordin Sparks' devil-may-care spunk, David Cook's rock n roll swagger and Ruben Studdard's excellent rack - that would be my favorite Idol.
Least Favorite Idol: that's an easy one - Taylor Hicks hands down. I mean seriously, soul patrol? Go fuck yourself.
Turn-ons: Randy Jackson's flattop, honesty, when a girl touches your arm every time she laughs (like in that one Seinfeld ep), meatloaf.
Turn-offs: crying in pop music, Taylor Hicks, that new AI judge, when Serafina talks about her cats, celery.
Fake Mustache Style: John Waters
Serafina Costanza
IT handle: Juice Box
Sign: dangerous curves ahead
Favorite Movie: Sky High
Favorite Song: Bette Davis Eyes (kinda shitty Gwyneth Paltrow version from the Duets soundtrack, somewhat obviously)
Favorite Idol: Kelly Clarkson 'cause she's Miss Independant, motherfucker!
Least Favorite Idol: David Cook 'cause he's a douche bag.
Turn-ons: cats (the animal not the musical of the same name), the kid that glows from Sky High (I'd go to jail for you, my son!), Polacks, walks on the beach, cheap wine, Nancy Sinatra karaoke.
Turn-offs: Mike not caring about my cats, sneaky gypsy neighbors, being woken up (particularly by family members), coffee shops with no free refills (WTF!?)
Fake Mustache Style: Adolf Hitler/Charlie Chaplin (your choice)
Plan on learning a lot more about us (probably more than you'll ever want to) over the course of the season. Take our proverbial candy and step into our proverbial molester van as we discover deep seeded truths and startling (sometimes inappropriately erotic) revelations about ourselves as well as the Idol contestants and judges (except that new bitch. Fuck her) on an amazing journey into the darkest reaches of American obsession and karaoke on a ludicrous scale. And don't tell your parents. Seriously. Or we'll fucking cut you.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment