The dust has cleared, the blood has coagulated and the winners have been separated from the losers like so many unhappy spouses. Hopefully you chose wisely and your team came out on top! If not, there's always next time. So without any further aimless retardation... the results of Idol Fantasy Smackdown!
Round 1
VS.
Even though Mr. Zebra shows much more dedication to his costume, Mr. Banana has "prop singing" down to a science. Also, whereas Mr. Zebra was merely doing an interesting take on a Tori Amos tune, Mr. Banana seems to have been performing an original piece (or at least one that I'd never heard) making him the more original piece.
Final Score
Mr. Banana: 67
Mr. Zebra: 53
Round 2
VS.
This was a close one. Chelsea Marquardt is clearly hotter and slightly less mentally deranged than Tiffany Shedd but that will only lead to roles in "classier" pornographic fare. Tiffany's child-like mind and trailer park looks will surely land her in all manner of amateur handicam fuckfests. Young Tiff will be gagging on horse cum and dining on fecal parfaits in no time. That said, she gets the edge.
Final Score
Chelsea: 53
Tiffany: 57
Final Score
Chelsea: 53
Tiffany: 57
Round 3
VS.
Season 6 contestant Gina Glocksen has held the title of AI Blow Job Queen for a few years now so if you ask me it's a bout time a challenger entered the fray. As if on cue, Felicia Barton comes storming into the Thunderdome with a booming voice and a chance to usurp Gina's sloppy throne! While the lovely Miss Glocksen clearly has the face of a champion dick sucker, Miss Barton is much chubbier - and since everybody knows fat chicks give the best head (not to mention the fact that her name sounds kind of like fellatio), this round goes to her.
Final Score
Gina: 82
Felicia: 90
Round 4
Season 6 contestant Gina Glocksen has held the title of AI Blow Job Queen for a few years now so if you ask me it's a bout time a challenger entered the fray. As if on cue, Felicia Barton comes storming into the Thunderdome with a booming voice and a chance to usurp Gina's sloppy throne! While the lovely Miss Glocksen clearly has the face of a champion dick sucker, Miss Barton is much chubbier - and since everybody knows fat chicks give the best head (not to mention the fact that her name sounds kind of like fellatio), this round goes to her.
Final Score
Gina: 82
Felicia: 90
Round 4
VS.
This was another hard one (but not like the "hard one" I got during the previous two rounds) since both of these chicks have good voices and shitty financial situations. After a brutal fight that could only be described as an "endurance test", Lil Rounds managed to defeat Leneshe Young and her 38 immediate family members with the help of her huge (and pissed off) husband and their ravenous offspring (ravenous, somewhat obviously, from months deprived of sustenance).
Final Score
Lil: 24
Leneshe: 18
This was another hard one (but not like the "hard one" I got during the previous two rounds) since both of these chicks have good voices and shitty financial situations. After a brutal fight that could only be described as an "endurance test", Lil Rounds managed to defeat Leneshe Young and her 38 immediate family members with the help of her huge (and pissed off) husband and their ravenous offspring (ravenous, somewhat obviously, from months deprived of sustenance).
Final Score
Lil: 24
Leneshe: 18
Round 5
VS.
In a biting, scratching, fish-hooking, ball-twisting tard brawl that was WAY scarier than the totally gay Platinum Dunes remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Ross Plavsic was dismembered and partially eaten by Mike Nicewonder. This was really not that surprising seeing as Mike is way more authentically "backwoods" and also scored a medal during the 1998 Special Olympics in the kill, skin and eat a hapless teenager event.
Final Score:
Nicewonder: 132
Plavsic: 0
and finally... Round 6
In a biting, scratching, fish-hooking, ball-twisting tard brawl that was WAY scarier than the totally gay Platinum Dunes remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Ross Plavsic was dismembered and partially eaten by Mike Nicewonder. This was really not that surprising seeing as Mike is way more authentically "backwoods" and also scored a medal during the 1998 Special Olympics in the kill, skin and eat a hapless teenager event.
Final Score:
Nicewonder: 132
Plavsic: 0
and finally... Round 6
VS.
In this, the final round of battle for this inaugural edition of Fantasy Smackdown, we have old school pill-popping favorite Paula Abdul one-on-one with new-coming rabble rouser Kara DioGuardi! Although I was down on the new judge at first I have since become a huge Kara fan! Paula never engages in singing duels with contestants, nor does she break the hearts of shitty singers by misinterpreting their performances as jokes! Hell, she doesn't even make totally inappropriate comments about barely legal contestants fucking their boyfriends! What the fuck, Paula!? Kara wins this round easily. You better step it up if you hope to stand a chance in the rematch, Abdul!
Final Score
Paula: 34
Kara: 46
In this, the final round of battle for this inaugural edition of Fantasy Smackdown, we have old school pill-popping favorite Paula Abdul one-on-one with new-coming rabble rouser Kara DioGuardi! Although I was down on the new judge at first I have since become a huge Kara fan! Paula never engages in singing duels with contestants, nor does she break the hearts of shitty singers by misinterpreting their performances as jokes! Hell, she doesn't even make totally inappropriate comments about barely legal contestants fucking their boyfriends! What the fuck, Paula!? Kara wins this round easily. You better step it up if you hope to stand a chance in the rematch, Abdul!
Final Score
Paula: 34
Kara: 46
So there it is! The first of many epic battles has now drawn to a close. Tally up your team's total score and leave a comment or something - boasting about how you beat the living shit out of your friends, family and respective live-in drifters. Also, stay tuned! Auditions roll on starting tomorrow and I'm sure there will be many more weirdos, maladroits and high functioning retards to make fun of! Be here or be square, fuckers!
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1 comment:
How did you come up with these numbers? If you ask me, it seems Paula should have a bit more respect.
Anyways, I scored 398! Beat that suckafishes!
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