Baby Castro
The emo/punk to older bro Jason's worthless hippie, baby Castro is obviously just as worthless as his dreadlocked brethren. He does seem to have a slightly better voice (which isn't saying much since Jason couldn't sing his way out of a nutsack) but he shares his bros gratingly apathetic nature and horrifically bland personality. My prediction is that his classic Castro "Id rather be hitting a bong" attitude will earn him an early exit from the competition, but you never know - Jason skated into last years final four based solely on his lady killing eyes and I'm pretty sure Kara wants to fuck him.
The emo/punk to older bro Jason's worthless hippie, baby Castro is obviously just as worthless as his dreadlocked brethren. He does seem to have a slightly better voice (which isn't saying much since Jason couldn't sing his way out of a nutsack) but he shares his bros gratingly apathetic nature and horrifically bland personality. My prediction is that his classic Castro "Id rather be hitting a bong" attitude will earn him an early exit from the competition, but you never know - Jason skated into last years final four based solely on his lady killing eyes and I'm pretty sure Kara wants to fuck him.
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Opera Bear!
Dude wasted years of his life and piles of his parents' money studying opera with the result being a vocal style akin to the great train wreck of 1918. Not only do you suck, you suck spectacularly. Opera Bear bye byyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Geeky Indian Frat Dude
So what if you dress like a fratty douche? So what if you shamelessly rock flip flops like one of those idiots that plays beach volleyball? So what if you got called out on said bad style by a Brit who's entire wardrobe is comprised of chest hugging V-neck nip shirts? You sang pretty good and you have a plucky spirit that I'm guessing will take you far in this here competition. Go get some new clothes and get ready to rock, son! You're going to Bollywood!
Sob Story McGee
Pictured here with his dead wife, Danny Gokey is clearly the "tug at your heart strings" character this year. The judges were all really impressed with his gravely soulful voice but honestly all I heard was an average Joe Cocker impression a la Taylor Hicks. Lame. Sorry your wife died, dude, but I'm still gonna have to disagree with the judges on this one. Regardless of my opinion, dude will obviously go far - top 12 at least if you ask me - but if he resurrects the dreaded Soul Patrol I will totally lose it. Those fucks make me vomit in my mouth.
Pictured here with his dead wife, Danny Gokey is clearly the "tug at your heart strings" character this year. The judges were all really impressed with his gravely soulful voice but honestly all I heard was an average Joe Cocker impression a la Taylor Hicks. Lame. Sorry your wife died, dude, but I'm still gonna have to disagree with the judges on this one. Regardless of my opinion, dude will obviously go far - top 12 at least if you ask me - but if he resurrects the dreaded Soul Patrol I will totally lose it. Those fucks make me vomit in my mouth.
Dream Girl
Wow. WOW!!!Seriously? Are you seeing this chick? She is the literal definition if a walking boner machine. I fell in love with this girl the second she walked in to the audition room and I am currently falling more and more in love with her as I stare at this picture. Let's just say that I have spent the better part of today writing "Mike Murder + Ashley Anderson 4 ever" (inside big bubbly hearts of course) in my mead notebook. I can't even come up with anything funny to write! Goddamn you, Ashley Anderson! Get out of my head!!!!!! Or marry me. Either one will do just fine. Oh, yea, she sang really good and picked a song that Simon co-wrote, blah blah blah blah... Marry me. Seriously.
Wow. WOW!!!Seriously? Are you seeing this chick? She is the literal definition if a walking boner machine. I fell in love with this girl the second she walked in to the audition room and I am currently falling more and more in love with her as I stare at this picture. Let's just say that I have spent the better part of today writing "Mike Murder + Ashley Anderson 4 ever" (inside big bubbly hearts of course) in my mead notebook. I can't even come up with anything funny to write! Goddamn you, Ashley Anderson! Get out of my head!!!!!! Or marry me. Either one will do just fine. Oh, yea, she sang really good and picked a song that Simon co-wrote, blah blah blah blah... Marry me. Seriously.
Scary Welder Guy
"Me used to sing in bar band. Me quit that to be welder cuz me family come first. Me do better Joe Cocker impression than Sob Story McGee but judges no like me as much cuz me wife not dead. Me no worry. Me sing heart out. Me crush all opponents. Me eat their babies too! You see - me go all the way!"
"Me used to sing in bar band. Me quit that to be welder cuz me family come first. Me do better Joe Cocker impression than Sob Story McGee but judges no like me as much cuz me wife not dead. Me no worry. Me sing heart out. Me crush all opponents. Me eat their babies too! You see - me go all the way!"
The Banana Guy
This dude was only shown briefly but in that brief moment I could tell that he is an absolute genius. The song he sang must be heard to be believed, but it was mostly about his banana and inquiring as to who wanted it. Somewhat obviously, none of the judges were lacking in potassium. I guess this dude will just have to find another outlet for his special brand of magic and I, for one, hope he does. Banana Guy - you are MY American Idol.
This dude was only shown briefly but in that brief moment I could tell that he is an absolute genius. The song he sang must be heard to be believed, but it was mostly about his banana and inquiring as to who wanted it. Somewhat obviously, none of the judges were lacking in potassium. I guess this dude will just have to find another outlet for his special brand of magic and I, for one, hope he does. Banana Guy - you are MY American Idol.
The Hottie with Shit for a Voice
This girl (pictured here in the midst of the world's least graceful pirouette) inspired some of the most evil comments to ever come out of Randy and Simon. It was quite a pleasure to watch as the two of them relentlessly riffed back and forth, making fun of her and likening her vocal style to a suicidal feline (and a police siren). It was like Statler and Waldorf were at the judges table, with this poor girl sitting in for Fozzie Bear. But I say so what if the chick can't sing? She has a bright future ahead of her in porno. I'm thinking something with a double-sided dildo. yea, definitely girl-on-girl. Mmmmm... jack nap time.
This girl (pictured here in the midst of the world's least graceful pirouette) inspired some of the most evil comments to ever come out of Randy and Simon. It was quite a pleasure to watch as the two of them relentlessly riffed back and forth, making fun of her and likening her vocal style to a suicidal feline (and a police siren). It was like Statler and Waldorf were at the judges table, with this poor girl sitting in for Fozzie Bear. But I say so what if the chick can't sing? She has a bright future ahead of her in porno. I'm thinking something with a double-sided dildo. yea, definitely girl-on-girl. Mmmmm... jack nap time.
speaking of porno...
Better Bikini Girl!!!
Casey Carlson served up a second helping of alliteration as well as a rendition of the song from the Zales diamonds commercials that was actually better than the original (by that chick with her magical flying piano). But that's really not important in the face of something like this:
Casey Carlson served up a second helping of alliteration as well as a rendition of the song from the Zales diamonds commercials that was actually better than the original (by that chick with her magical flying piano). But that's really not important in the face of something like this:
BAM!!!
What the fuck!? Alls I know is that Casey makes a WAY better bikini girl than the actual bikini girl. If Ashley Anderson's picture and imagining Chelsea fucking another chick didn't call for a jack nap break, this certainly does. So I'll leave on the proverbial high note...
What the fuck!? Alls I know is that Casey makes a WAY better bikini girl than the actual bikini girl. If Ashley Anderson's picture and imagining Chelsea fucking another chick didn't call for a jack nap break, this certainly does. So I'll leave on the proverbial high note...
(Mia Conley hits heinously shrill high note. Glass shatters. Dogs begin to howl)
"You done fucked up, judges! You didn't know I was personal friends with God, did you? Well now you're super DUPER fucked cuz I am, and he aint too pleased with the way you talked all that shit on my audition! I hope you like suffering for eternity, bitches! I'm talkin' serious suffering, ya hear? You shall all be covered in boils and sores! Except for Paula - your ass is getting turned into a godamm pillar of salt! I requested that shit special!"
Until next time, kids...
1 comment:
That chick is totally not hot. If you procreate with Ashley "Big Nose" Johnson you will breed beautiful big nose babies. Such different taste in women. But I don't know, there is something I dig about your blog. You've got spunk, and I am excited to see where you go in this competition.
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