Just when you thought it was safe to surf the internet...

There you sit, alone in front of your computer, the only light is that provided by the spooky glow of your monitor. Perhaps you're naked, or perhaps not. Indeed, perhaps you are fully clothed - maybe even in a spectacular ball gown! There is even an off chance that you are wearing a rather detailed chicken costume, but we shall leave such brazen speculation for later posts. Anyway, you're alone in front of your computer...


You point and click your way through the sticky, semen crusted morass of the world wide web with an air of astute nonchalance, hunting for distracting bits of frivolity, articles that arouse your interest and clandestine video clips that arouse other things altogether. You traverse the steaming jungle of formation (both in- and misin-), deftly avoiding actual news, flammy scams (not to mention scammy flams) and porn sites you have to pay for when...

WHAM!!!!

Idol Threats lands upside your head, not unlike Snoop on his seminal masterpiece The Doggfather, sending you running for your web browser like a scared little girl trying to tell it where the mean blog touched you. Later in court, of course, it is proven far beyond any doubts (reasonable or otherwise) that you loved every second of it.

In short: lock your doors, bar your windows, hide your daughters (and small animals that don't run fast), baton down the hatches and prepare for full ramming speed!* Idol Threats is back... and shit just got real... again... for the first time.

*and don't forget to mix your metaphors

Your humble Creepy Crooner has returned, along with the insufferable Juice Box and the incongruous Cap'n Jesco, to bring all you kids in internetland a hefty dose of the balls-to-the-wall, no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners, (insert macho cliche of your choice here) American Idol analysis that you crave! Plus, this year we promise to be more consistent in our postings and maybe actually finish. Maybe.
We also have a bunch of new tricks up our respective sleeves (except for Jesco who only wears muscle tees) including extensive field reports from "the trenches" and exclusive interviews that more conventionally "respectable" news outfits have neither the resources nor the balls to get. I mean, seriously, you're not gonna find the poignant thoughts and analysis of real Hollywood hobos and squatters on Fox.com, no matter how many angry emails you send so you might as well keep it tuned here to IT all season, where we work endless drug-addled night after night to bring you the quality coverage that you expect... nay... deserve!

Oh, and you'd be well served to bring a fan or some ice or something. It's gonna be a hot one, America.