AI Boston: Wicked Awesome like a Bastahd

"Sully's mom always said he was talented."
"That bitch is a liah."

Last night we all welcomed back into our lives the undisputed heavy weight champion of karaoke smackdowns. For our slower readers out there, that's American Idol. It was a night to reflect on what has come before, to muse wistfully on what is to come, to mourn the loss of Paula (and, of course, begin the "healing process") and to begin a year-long bleary-eyed farewell to Simon. It was also a night to marvel at some brutally reprehensible vocal performances and to gleefully watch the hopes and dreams of delusional sycophants and hapless half-tards smashed beyond all recognition on National television - the proceedings only slightly marred by the unfortunate locale of Boston, Mass.

Maybe the fair* burgh could salvage some of its dignity on the heels of an early and thoroughly embarrassing playoff exit by its beloved Patriots by sending some home-spun talent to Hollywood. Maybe, but probably not. Enough, though, with the speculation! Speculation is for tv psychics and architects. Time to find out who provided the lights (both hi- and low-) in the cradle of idiocy... I mean Boston.


*a term used here in its loosest possible definition.

Video Games ah Wicked Fuckin' Pissah!

Wicked pissah though they may be, hapless would-be contestant Janet McNamara proves once and for all that a viable vocal training tool they are not. Evidently she spent months training with the AI Karaoke Revolution game, charting a meteoric rise from bleating halfwit to bleating halfwit with a high score, winning the favor of the digital judges in the process. Sadly, all this proves in the long run is that video games aren't real and a PlayStation will never replace your birth parents no matter how hard you hug it. Bonus points to Janet, though, for representing Boston more faithfully than any other auditionee by swearing copiously, peppering every sentence liberally with the word "wicked" and nearly breaking wee Seacrest's spine in twade by way of a particularly violent hug.


Ups and Downs

Meet Maddy Curtis. Maddy has 11 siblings and at least 4 of them have Downs syndrome. Now as far as sob stories go, hers is pretty weak (being more of the "inspirational" sort)but when you consider the fact that Maddy's family life would make a wonderfully twisted sit-com, you have to marvel at the potential. Just imagine it - they could call it Ups and Downs and it would be heart-warming, sad, hilarious and terrifying all at the same time. And Chris Burke could guest star! Genius, I tell you. As far as Idol is concerned, Maddy has a nice, if not overly impressive voice and makes it through to the next round. Honestly though, beyond the back story there isn't much there, leading me to predict that her future will be filled with a Hollywood week departure and a gaggle of sad retards (and nothing is sadder than a sad retard).

Chris Burke eagerly awaits a phone call from his agent...

Holla!!!!

Pat Ford "loves to Holler". He also might be the living personification of the word "obnoxious". I'm fairly certain, in fact, that next years Funk and Wagnall's will feature this very photo next to the definition of the word. He also says he has a lot of friends but fails to mention that they are predominantly imaginary. He makes the ludicrous song choice of the Britney Spears chestnut Womanizer and shows it no mercy but strangely seems unfazed by the judges subsequent lambasting. In the end he gets a hug from Kara which in my book is a solid win. Hollywood be damned!

I'm goin' to Hollywood or Seacrest sleeps with the fishes, see?

Thuggish mafia goombah, Amadeo Diricco bursts upon the scene with a skull-busting voice, ham-sized fists to match and a back story segment that could easily be confused with a scene from any number of Martin Scorsese films. I dig this dude (in the same way you dig Tony Soprano - he'd be fun to hang out with until he has you whacked) and although his performance is ultimately a little pitchy (dog) he gets sent through to Hollywood (although I suspect that Kara's mobbed up and had something to do with making sure it happened). Upon emerging in possession of the covetted golden ticket, dude seriously almost kills Seacrest while celebrating abrasively with his paisans and menacingly proclaims: "I'm comin' for you, America!!!". Something tells me we all might be in serious trouble.

Return to Ignorance

The best thing about this blotchy hippie's audition was the inclusion of Enigma's classic Return to Innocence as the backing track to his introduction. Remember the music video? Where they ran the film in reverse and it looked like the fruit was falling back onto the tree? That was some sweet trippy shit! Plus I think it had that Indian in it. You know the one I'm talking about! The Indian that shed a single tear in that commercial back in the day.

Anyway, great video. Great is not, however, a word that describes anything about Derek Hilton or his performance, which was correctly diagnosed as "schizophrenic" by Simon. After being rejected and sent home, Derek remarked that he "could have touched America in a totally different way". I think we should all just take a minute to be glad that we're not going to find out what he means by that.

...

Okay. Moving on...



Super Happy Dream Crusher Fun Time!!!

Behold: Mere Doyle! Self-proclaimed "anime freak" and class A delusional nutjob. No seriously, behold her! She's fucking crazy!

Mere designs her own custom kimonos and longs to be a pop star in Japan (which makes her choice to audition for American Idol something of a mystery). I half-expected her to sing one of those ridiculous 80s pop throwback anime theme songs (like maybe something from the original Bubblegum Crisis) but instead she mercilessly slaughters a Janice Joplin tune to the chagrin of the judges. Oh, did I mention she's batshit insane?

I mean, look at her! I'll bet she's one of those idiots that shows up to Renaissance Faires dressed as an anime character, citing some sort of sci-fi time travel bullshit to explain the rampant anachronism. That said, Mere is exactly the reason we tune in to these audition rounds. She has fully convinced herself that she has potential and the cold hard reality meted out by the judges hits her like Amadeo hits his lady when she talks back. And that's pretty damn hard.

Whoa! What the fuck!? Goddamn, you are crazy, Mere! But as I was saying, we get to see her very hopes and dreams utterly destroyed before our eyes! If that isn't appointment television I don't know what is. To make the situation even better Simon starts contemplating the realistic ramifications of flying to the moon while poor Mere tries in vain to defend her performance. It's moments like these that make me miss the old Brit already. Anyway, that's all for Mere - back to the asylum with you!

Return to Insolence

Well here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the douche bag you've all been waiting for. Andrew Fenion is a negative asshole (at least that's what the editors at Fox would have us believe) that hates waiting and looks like the evil parallel universe version of Michael Ian Black. What's even better is that he comes across exactly like Michael Ian Black playing a character! I actually thought there was an off chance it was Michael Black in some sort of staged bit. At the segment's conclusion I was convinced that Andrew and Michael Black were not the same person. I was less convinced that the whole ordeal wasn't staged.

After throwing some attitude Simon's way, Andrew manages to invoke the wrath of Kara much to the delight of the show's producers. Unfortunately this altercation feels forced, lacking the spontaneous venom (and partial nudity) of last years Bikini Girl debacle and leaving me siding with Andrew - negative nancy though he may be. As an afterthought, his vocals have a strange throwbacky quality that are quirky but likable and it's sort of a shame that this audition was never about talent. It's just too bad that Andrew didn't get another shot as I feel his character could have used some solid development.

Speaking of Ms. DioGuardi, our friendly neighborhood predatory cougar was definitely showing her claws last night. Not only setting her lusty sights on guest judge, VicBeck (as JB has already elaborated upon) but targeting several impressionable youngsters as well. Lucky bastards.

I so want to be the meat in this Kara/Posh sammy! mmmmmm

Let's take a closer look at the cougar's prey, shall we? I think we shall.

This is Tyler Grady - stoner kid, drummer and aspiring Jim Morrison impressionist. He shattered his wrists climbing a tree (evidently he's also a damn hippy. either that or he's actually 8 years old) and now he has titanium arms. Did Marvel's What If? ever do an issue about what if Wolverine was a stoner? If not, we're about to find out. Oh, and Kara totally wants to fuck him.

Here we have Mike Davis who has an entourage of like, 27 people. He actually asks Kara out on a date! At first she dodges the question (obviously thrown off by the younger male taking the initiative) but after Mike returns to his myriad friends and family it is implied that the date is happening. Score, Mike! You are the envy of a Nation. Or me, at least.


There were several other noteworthy performances to come out of last night's show, but alas not enough time to cover them all! So I will leave you with a hefty smattering of my favorites...

Whoa! Some dude in the 80s heard about American Idol and carjacked Doc Brown's DeLorean! Simon aptly dubs the whole affair "too weird".

This chick enjoys hanging out with her demented Grandma and giving boners to pedophiles. Her sob story is slightly better than the chick with the Downs syndrome family but still pretty tame when all is said and done. She has a pretty good voice and makes it to Hollywood, btw.

This poor fucker was tormented mercilessly by the judges for nothing more than their own twisted amusement. They delighted in assuring him a mental complex and mind-fucking him further by sending him on to the next round. Brutal.

Diva-in-training suffering from serious delusions of grandeur. Manages to sing off key and in her full-throated obnoxious accent. Has a ridiculously nice ass. Goes home. Bummer about the ass.

Classic sensitive hippy douche. He plays the goddamn acoustic guitar. Need I say more?

This dude was evidently part of last year's Hell Week sensation White Chocolate. He also had cancer which would be a decent sob story if it weren't for the fact that he got fucking better! Will he reform the group this season? Will he actually make it past Hollywood week? Does anybody care? Didn't think so.

Behold! Lord Gulthar of Cimmeria and his child sister-bride!

This was the last chick that auditioned. She had a horrific repressed churchy childhood and had to like, sneak out of her parents' torture basement just to audition (or something)! She can definitely sing and she's got a jazzy raspy throwback thing going on that I totally dig but she's also all weepy and emotional. She better toughen up quick or she's gonna get eaten alive during Hell Week. Someone should really tell her there's no crying in pop music.

So with that I bid you all a fond farewell until we meet again (which, somewhat obviously, will be tomorrow for the Atlanta wrap-up) I'd say we learned a lot in Boston. Well, maybe not a lot. But I did learn that it only takes five dead bodies to constitute a "massacre". Seems like a pretty weak massacre to me but... At any rate, Stay tuned to Idol Threats all season! We're just getting the proverbial party started - and we haven't even broken out the onion dip yet!