After a totally underwhelming trip to Chicago, AI packs it's bags and heads for sunny Orlando, Florida - home of legions of retired geriatrics, steamy swamps and more theme parks than you can shake a dead gator at. Would it prove more fruitful than Tuesday's episode? The answer comes back: a resounding "kind of".
While Orlando did offer up a few good singers and some genuine head cases, it still felt decidedly underwhelming. Guest judge Kristin Chenoweth, an impish pixie with ample spunk, a lesbian crush on Kara and a horrific glare that would make werewolf Michael Jackson avert his gaze, brought little to the table and evidently was as bored as I was, making a hasty exit (stage left, even) after day 1, not to return. Honestly, I was slightly relieved not to have to stare into the eyes of the devil during the second half of the episode, and the dynamic of the "old school" three-person judging panel was a welcome breath of fresh air.
holy shit! look away! LOOK AWAY!!!!!!
I did enjoy the fact that, once creepy eyes bailed, the remaining judges decided to send through a bunch of people seemingly on their comedy value and dramatic potential alone. Because of this, at the end of the day, Florida yields a bunch of singers who don't really stand a chance at making it past Hell week but will certainly make said week more interesting. Here are some of the highlights...
Maybe drum machines DO have souls...
This silly bastard did an almost indescribable rendition of Come Together that was more spastic beatboxing than actual singing. Scoffing at the comparison to Idol alum Blake Lewis (who's head would surely explode upon hearing this guy's incomparable skills) he is immediately dismissed by Simon (obviously, as the Brits are not known to suffer beatboxing gladly) and Randy, but Kara convinces the Dawg to send him through, much to my delight.
This silly bastard did an almost indescribable rendition of Come Together that was more spastic beatboxing than actual singing. Scoffing at the comparison to Idol alum Blake Lewis (who's head would surely explode upon hearing this guy's incomparable skills) he is immediately dismissed by Simon (obviously, as the Brits are not known to suffer beatboxing gladly) and Randy, but Kara convinces the Dawg to send him through, much to my delight.
Ouch!
This dude evidently studied the art of dance under the watchful tutelage of male strippers. Unfortunately, years of training do little in the face of poorly made jeans and an ill-advised sag as Cornelius Edwards here does an epic split which ends in a tragic case of indecent exposure (and what appeared to be an impromptu DIY vasectomy). Fortunately, the judges seem more impressed by silly displays of rampant idiocy than vocal talent at this point and he gets sent through to Hollywood. Honestly, if the pants hadn't split this guy would have gone home. Thanks, the Gap! Your cheap sweatshop labor just got Cornelius a golden ticket!
This dude evidently studied the art of dance under the watchful tutelage of male strippers. Unfortunately, years of training do little in the face of poorly made jeans and an ill-advised sag as Cornelius Edwards here does an epic split which ends in a tragic case of indecent exposure (and what appeared to be an impromptu DIY vasectomy). Fortunately, the judges seem more impressed by silly displays of rampant idiocy than vocal talent at this point and he gets sent through to Hollywood. Honestly, if the pants hadn't split this guy would have gone home. Thanks, the Gap! Your cheap sweatshop labor just got Cornelius a golden ticket!
Somebody ate their Flutie Flakes
This dude has an autistic son and a pretty good voice. Seriously though, the sob stories this year are really weak. Like, really. Having an autistic kid could actually work to your advantage. Ever seen Rain Man? Fuck Hollywood! Take that little sucker to Vegas, baby! Anyway, my prediction is that this dude narrowly escapes Hell week only to be lost in the shuffle of the preliminary elimination rounds as his voice is good but doesn't stand out.
This dude has an autistic son and a pretty good voice. Seriously though, the sob stories this year are really weak. Like, really. Having an autistic kid could actually work to your advantage. Ever seen Rain Man? Fuck Hollywood! Take that little sucker to Vegas, baby! Anyway, my prediction is that this dude narrowly escapes Hell week only to be lost in the shuffle of the preliminary elimination rounds as his voice is good but doesn't stand out.
Palsy Face!
Speaking of sob stories that aren't really sob stories, here we have Shelby Dressel who can actually sing fairly well... out of the side of her face that isn't dead. In all honesty, Shelby would probably make a better supervillain than American Idol and might be well served to rock a Phantom of the Opera style half-mask when she preforms, but her story is more inspirational than sad and she gets sent through to Hollywood. If she just sticks to singing Billy Idol tunes she will go far as America loves a freak and Idol only ever sang out of half his mouth anyway.
Speaking of sob stories that aren't really sob stories, here we have Shelby Dressel who can actually sing fairly well... out of the side of her face that isn't dead. In all honesty, Shelby would probably make a better supervillain than American Idol and might be well served to rock a Phantom of the Opera style half-mask when she preforms, but her story is more inspirational than sad and she gets sent through to Hollywood. If she just sticks to singing Billy Idol tunes she will go far as America loves a freak and Idol only ever sang out of half his mouth anyway.
Bayou Billy goes to Hollywood
This guy was the final auditionee in Orlando (at least according to the Idol editors) and comes to us fresh off a four-year stint in the poky for holding up a liquor store with a bee bee gun (proving that the criminal he most looks up to must be Clark Griswold). After singing a bit, the judges simultaneously imbibe his cock and nutsack, calling him "brilliant", "genius", "the best we've heard", etc. Personally - I don't get it. He was okay. Just okay! Certainly not deserving of the ridiculous accolades draped upon him by the gushing judges. I felt the same way about Danny Gokey last season. He just sounded like a slightly better version of Taylor Hicks to me but the judges ate him up like a dog at an all-you-can-eat poop buffet. Maybe you just have to be there or something. I dunno. One thing I do know is that this dude looks like he'd be more at home wrastlin' gators than crooning in Hollywood. Maybe he can somehow do both, in which case I would definitely change my tune and vote for him unconditionally.
This guy was the final auditionee in Orlando (at least according to the Idol editors) and comes to us fresh off a four-year stint in the poky for holding up a liquor store with a bee bee gun (proving that the criminal he most looks up to must be Clark Griswold). After singing a bit, the judges simultaneously imbibe his cock and nutsack, calling him "brilliant", "genius", "the best we've heard", etc. Personally - I don't get it. He was okay. Just okay! Certainly not deserving of the ridiculous accolades draped upon him by the gushing judges. I felt the same way about Danny Gokey last season. He just sounded like a slightly better version of Taylor Hicks to me but the judges ate him up like a dog at an all-you-can-eat poop buffet. Maybe you just have to be there or something. I dunno. One thing I do know is that this dude looks like he'd be more at home wrastlin' gators than crooning in Hollywood. Maybe he can somehow do both, in which case I would definitely change my tune and vote for him unconditionally.
So that was about all that really caught my attention during the Orlando round of auditions, making last week one of the most disappointing in recent AI memory. This week promises to be a step in the right direction though, with auditions landing in Los Angeles and an IT special report - pulling back the curtain on what the process is actually like! That's right, dear readers, we were THERE!!! Stay tuned. Shit's about to get real.
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