That's right! The only thing that Hillbillies enjoy more than fightin', cousin-fuckin' and bridge-jumpin' (evidently) it's playin' music! So grab yer banjo, take a pull off the ol' moonshine jug and git ta hoin' down, folks!Seriously though, this year's jaunt through the infamous ATL was so rife with clodhoppers you could smell the pungent and unmistakable combination of white lightnin' and B.O. two cities away! And even if there were really only like two or three yokels that made it onto the actual episode, their unadulterated authenticity more than made up for it. So with that, let us begin the roundup with someone who is not technically a hillbilly but is at least half as idiotic as one...
Lady, I forgot to take my meds...
This gentleman is Dewone Robinson. He seems like a nice enough guy and he is evidently a song writer. He is not, evidently, sane. The original piece he performs is called Lady We're Not Together Any More and it is quite bizarre to say the least. He shifts laboriously between a silly falsetto, a sillier bass and an abrasive baritone, prompting Simon to brand the piece "one of the worst original songs I've ever heard." Dewone attempts to plead his case but Kara is coldly dismissive and ultimately the unbalanced young man departs leaving the judges, as well as the viewing public confused, angry, sad and horny (but not necessarily in that order).
This gentleman is Dewone Robinson. He seems like a nice enough guy and he is evidently a song writer. He is not, evidently, sane. The original piece he performs is called Lady We're Not Together Any More and it is quite bizarre to say the least. He shifts laboriously between a silly falsetto, a sillier bass and an abrasive baritone, prompting Simon to brand the piece "one of the worst original songs I've ever heard." Dewone attempts to plead his case but Kara is coldly dismissive and ultimately the unbalanced young man departs leaving the judges, as well as the viewing public confused, angry, sad and horny (but not necessarily in that order).
Miss Tragic Overbite 2009
Next we are treated to Keia Johnson who has a background in pageantry, a good voice and an overbite that makes her look as if she was drawn by Matt Groening. She sings what she refers to as "the Titanic song" pretty well and her big pipes get her to Hollywood. Simon thinks she'd be better suited as a lead in Oklahoma. I think she'd be better suited as a can opener.
Speaking of unfortunate mouths...
Next we are treated to Keia Johnson who has a background in pageantry, a good voice and an overbite that makes her look as if she was drawn by Matt Groening. She sings what she refers to as "the Titanic song" pretty well and her big pipes get her to Hollywood. Simon thinks she'd be better suited as a lead in Oklahoma. I think she'd be better suited as a can opener.
Speaking of unfortunate mouths...
Brace Face!!!
the cavalcade of dental horror continues with Noel Reese. I can't presently remember what she sang (as she was shown in one of those three-person montages that the AI editors have become so fond of) but she makes it to the next round. Honestly though, I can't really see an Idol with braces. I just don;t think I could take her seriously as an artist, the fact that I have never taken any of the Idols all that seriously as artists notwithstanding. Also, I'm usually creepily attracted to chicks with braces but Noel just looks too much like a girl that would have been in your drama class in high school and terminally annoyed you so no dice there. Sorry, dude. I predict a Hell Week departure.
the cavalcade of dental horror continues with Noel Reese. I can't presently remember what she sang (as she was shown in one of those three-person montages that the AI editors have become so fond of) but she makes it to the next round. Honestly though, I can't really see an Idol with braces. I just don;t think I could take her seriously as an artist, the fact that I have never taken any of the Idols all that seriously as artists notwithstanding. Also, I'm usually creepily attracted to chicks with braces but Noel just looks too much like a girl that would have been in your drama class in high school and terminally annoyed you so no dice there. Sorry, dude. I predict a Hell Week departure.
The Chosen One
In every generation there is a chosen one. He alone will stand against the mediocre pop, the boring redundant R&B and the forces of darkness. He is the Slayer.
Seriously, you would think this dude (one Jermaine Sellers) was about to throw down with some demon scum and save the world from inevitable apocalypse the way the judges were jizzing all over him. Randy says "this kid is hot, Simon", Mary refers to him as "anointed" and Kara freely imbibes his nutsack (after obnoxiously singing along with his audition). He does have a good voice but he ought to, being a professional church singer and any enjoyment I might have gleaned from his bit was utterly decimated by the inclusion of I've Got a Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, causing me to vomit uncontrollably for ten minutes and miss the next few auditionees.
In every generation there is a chosen one. He alone will stand against the mediocre pop, the boring redundant R&B and the forces of darkness. He is the Slayer.
Seriously, you would think this dude (one Jermaine Sellers) was about to throw down with some demon scum and save the world from inevitable apocalypse the way the judges were jizzing all over him. Randy says "this kid is hot, Simon", Mary refers to him as "anointed" and Kara freely imbibes his nutsack (after obnoxiously singing along with his audition). He does have a good voice but he ought to, being a professional church singer and any enjoyment I might have gleaned from his bit was utterly decimated by the inclusion of I've Got a Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, causing me to vomit uncontrollably for ten minutes and miss the next few auditionees.
4-11: Never Forget
After cleaning up an impossible amount of sick, I returned my attention to the show just in time to catch uber obnoxious "tv host" Christy Marie Agronow. I stared in horror as she tried hopelessly to brand a silly hand gesture meant to advertise her show (which is called 411 the show and is presumably just as annoying as its host) and vocally shat on the Pat Benetar classic Love is a Battlefield. The judges were brutal with Kara chiming in with the perfect punchline: "it is, girl. it is." You can't write that shit!
After cleaning up an impossible amount of sick, I returned my attention to the show just in time to catch uber obnoxious "tv host" Christy Marie Agronow. I stared in horror as she tried hopelessly to brand a silly hand gesture meant to advertise her show (which is called 411 the show and is presumably just as annoying as its host) and vocally shat on the Pat Benetar classic Love is a Battlefield. The judges were brutal with Kara chiming in with the perfect punchline: "it is, girl. it is." You can't write that shit!
I'm goin' ta Hollywood? On an Air-o-plane? Y'all are cereal?
While all the buzz on ye olde internete today is centering around General Larry Platt and his fashion critique-turned-viral video, the real gem in last nights episode was trashy-hot bridge jumpin' backwoods babe Vanessa Wolfe. This chick is far and away the most authentic hillbilly ever captured on television. Everything she says is a yokel cliche, she hails from the smallest town in Tennessee (like, literally the smallest town) and she always wears a bathing suit under her clothes just in case she happens upon a bridge well-suited for jumpin'. She says of her life in tiny rural Vonore, "not much to do... so I jump the bridges" and "I don't really have a life. I don't gos to the movies or the mall or anythin'" (after saying the last line she begins laughing like an idiot child, adding exponentially to the effect). There is basically nothing I can really write here to adequately describe the awesomeness of Vanessa or her segment, but unfortunately I don't see her going all that far. She has an old-timey country vibe and a raw vocal style that I dig but something about her is reminiscent of last season's Megan Corkrey, and while I championed Megan early she was ultimately a huge disappointment. At this point I am officially rooting for Vanessa to be the next Idol. Don't let me down, lady-hick! Get on that there air-o-plane and go show Hollywood how to get down hayseed style!
While all the buzz on ye olde internete today is centering around General Larry Platt and his fashion critique-turned-viral video, the real gem in last nights episode was trashy-hot bridge jumpin' backwoods babe Vanessa Wolfe. This chick is far and away the most authentic hillbilly ever captured on television. Everything she says is a yokel cliche, she hails from the smallest town in Tennessee (like, literally the smallest town) and she always wears a bathing suit under her clothes just in case she happens upon a bridge well-suited for jumpin'. She says of her life in tiny rural Vonore, "not much to do... so I jump the bridges" and "I don't really have a life. I don't gos to the movies or the mall or anythin'" (after saying the last line she begins laughing like an idiot child, adding exponentially to the effect). There is basically nothing I can really write here to adequately describe the awesomeness of Vanessa or her segment, but unfortunately I don't see her going all that far. She has an old-timey country vibe and a raw vocal style that I dig but something about her is reminiscent of last season's Megan Corkrey, and while I championed Megan early she was ultimately a huge disappointment. At this point I am officially rooting for Vanessa to be the next Idol. Don't let me down, lady-hick! Get on that there air-o-plane and go show Hollywood how to get down hayseed style!
I Have Seen the future of porn and it's name is Holly Harden
I mean, really? Her real name is a porn pseudonym! Holly Harden? Are you fucking kidding me? Despite the fact that she is dressed like Bootsy Collins I can't look at her without imaging a huge cock in her mouth. She actually gets sent through to Hollywood. Mary doesn't get it. For the record, either do I. I predict that Holly ends up out on her ass during Hell week but finds her way instinctively to the San Fernando Valley, becoming the next Traci Lords.
I mean, really? Her real name is a porn pseudonym! Holly Harden? Are you fucking kidding me? Despite the fact that she is dressed like Bootsy Collins I can't look at her without imaging a huge cock in her mouth. She actually gets sent through to Hollywood. Mary doesn't get it. For the record, either do I. I predict that Holly ends up out on her ass during Hell week but finds her way instinctively to the San Fernando Valley, becoming the next Traci Lords.
The Invincible Simpleton
Accident-prone but seemingly invulnerable Hillbilly, Jesse Hamilton has reportedly come uncomfortably close to death on three separate occasions (by way of fever, gunshot and moving vehicle respectively) and currently makes a living in the low-risk field of welding. The powers that be at Fox decided to treat Jesse's near-tragic past with what could be considered the opposite of reverence, turning it into a series of slapstick vignettes to mildly amusing effect. He proceeds to actually die (in a less literal sense however) by slaughtering a Garth Brooks tune and becoming the butt of various jokes and wise cracks provided by the judges other than Mary J., who can't ebb her maniacal laughter long enough to provide a quip.
Accident-prone but seemingly invulnerable Hillbilly, Jesse Hamilton has reportedly come uncomfortably close to death on three separate occasions (by way of fever, gunshot and moving vehicle respectively) and currently makes a living in the low-risk field of welding. The powers that be at Fox decided to treat Jesse's near-tragic past with what could be considered the opposite of reverence, turning it into a series of slapstick vignettes to mildly amusing effect. He proceeds to actually die (in a less literal sense however) by slaughtering a Garth Brooks tune and becoming the butt of various jokes and wise cracks provided by the judges other than Mary J., who can't ebb her maniacal laughter long enough to provide a quip.
Clown Prince of Atlanta
This dude was wild. He presents himself as more of a concept than an actual person, explaining the unstoppable force of nature that is Skii Bo Ski (inexplicably misspelled as Skiboski on his custom-made shirt) and puts on a show that must be seen to be believed. As soon as this guy was introduced I started making arcane offerings to the Idol gods in hopes of securing him an unlikely place in Hollywood. Once he sang I thought there might be a way outside chance that the deities heard my plea as his voice was fairly powerful if a little unwieldy. Simon was not a fan but the other three put him through and there was much rejoicing (on my part anyway). I seriously can't wait to see what kind of madness Skii Bo Ski unleashed during Hell week. And as some skinny hippy douche once said, waiting is the hardest part.
This dude was wild. He presents himself as more of a concept than an actual person, explaining the unstoppable force of nature that is Skii Bo Ski (inexplicably misspelled as Skiboski on his custom-made shirt) and puts on a show that must be seen to be believed. As soon as this guy was introduced I started making arcane offerings to the Idol gods in hopes of securing him an unlikely place in Hollywood. Once he sang I thought there might be a way outside chance that the deities heard my plea as his voice was fairly powerful if a little unwieldy. Simon was not a fan but the other three put him through and there was much rejoicing (on my part anyway). I seriously can't wait to see what kind of madness Skii Bo Ski unleashed during Hell week. And as some skinny hippy douche once said, waiting is the hardest part.
Cop Rock!
Oh shit! It's Johnny Law! Hide the weed, Mary J.!!! Oh, he's off duty? He's just here to audition? Oh, it's cool then. ATL police officer Bryan Walker may look like Zippy the pinhead and he may represent "the man" but he sings pretty damn good and he fills the role of "blue collar hero" character way better than Michael whatsisname from last year (although rest assured we can expect to be reminded weekly of his valorous occupation if he makes it past Hell week). Basically Bryan sounds like Danny Gokey if Danny Gokey hadn't completely sucked bloody asshole. I expect J. Law to go far and bring us many worthy performances. Let's just hope none of them turn out like this...
Oh shit! It's Johnny Law! Hide the weed, Mary J.!!! Oh, he's off duty? He's just here to audition? Oh, it's cool then. ATL police officer Bryan Walker may look like Zippy the pinhead and he may represent "the man" but he sings pretty damn good and he fills the role of "blue collar hero" character way better than Michael whatsisname from last year (although rest assured we can expect to be reminded weekly of his valorous occupation if he makes it past Hell week). Basically Bryan sounds like Danny Gokey if Danny Gokey hadn't completely sucked bloody asshole. I expect J. Law to go far and bring us many worthy performances. Let's just hope none of them turn out like this...
actually on second thought, let's hope they DO!
Security! Security!
If anybody ever told you that manic depression is no laughing matter they were dead wrong, and Lamar Royal here is living proof. He does a horrific opera version of Kiss from a Rose and is quickly taken to task by the judges. He refuses to take their constructive criticism, interrupting constantly with varying degrees of rage and sadness. He even makes to storm out of the room on several occasions, only to return and haplessly plead his case some more. In the end we get the season's first look at the AI goon squad who show Mr. Royal the door but would have been better suited to show him the way to the nearest mental asylum. He ends up spouting profanity and switching haphazardly from murderous anger to sobbing depression and back again out on the street, finally (and tearfully) giving us the quote of the night: "I wish Paula was here." Who doesn't, Lamar? Who doesn't?
If anybody ever told you that manic depression is no laughing matter they were dead wrong, and Lamar Royal here is living proof. He does a horrific opera version of Kiss from a Rose and is quickly taken to task by the judges. He refuses to take their constructive criticism, interrupting constantly with varying degrees of rage and sadness. He even makes to storm out of the room on several occasions, only to return and haplessly plead his case some more. In the end we get the season's first look at the AI goon squad who show Mr. Royal the door but would have been better suited to show him the way to the nearest mental asylum. He ends up spouting profanity and switching haphazardly from murderous anger to sobbing depression and back again out on the street, finally (and tearfully) giving us the quote of the night: "I wish Paula was here." Who doesn't, Lamar? Who doesn't?
Larry Platt - Internet Sensation
What can I say about the General Larry Platt that hasn't been virally spread on the Internet for the last 20 hours? By now I'm sure that all of you have downloaded Platt's catchy condemnation of modern youth fashion as your new ringtone or some such nonsense so I'm just going to say good work, General. You have given us the best original Idol piece since You are my Brother by that weird Asian dude in the fur coat. We'll see you in the season finale.
For those of you that don't remember the aforementioned original song, enjoy:
What can I say about the General Larry Platt that hasn't been virally spread on the Internet for the last 20 hours? By now I'm sure that all of you have downloaded Platt's catchy condemnation of modern youth fashion as your new ringtone or some such nonsense so I'm just going to say good work, General. You have given us the best original Idol piece since You are my Brother by that weird Asian dude in the fur coat. We'll see you in the season finale.
For those of you that don't remember the aforementioned original song, enjoy:
and that just about does it for the Atlanta roundup, kids! Stay tuned for JB's review of Mary J., a best and worst of the week special and more from Idol Threats! I guess I will leave you with a little more Cop Rock 'cause why the hell not? It's fuckin' Cop Rock!
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