This week's first foray into auditionland brought Idol back to the windy city with decidedly disappointing results. First of all, with premier week out of the way the show has returned to it's traditional hour long format. While a 60 minute show is obviously less gratuitous, last nights ep seemed positively meager in the wake of last week's 210 combined minutes of karaoke goodness. Add to that the fact that the "bad" singers were, on the whole, less hilariously insane and the "good" singers were mediocre at best and you get an episode that had me on the verge of flipping over to the new iCarly movie on Nickelodeon. In the end I stuck it out with Idol as I have an obligation to this web log and I was already recording iCarly to my DVR.
So with that let us dive head first into the shallow end of the talent pool...
Worst. Sob story. Ever.
Your parents are getting a divorce? That's your sob story? Please. That is easily the sorriest attempt at soliciting sympathy unleashed upon America thus far. Despite the producers trying to paint the situation as a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, Simon immediately makes light of it when Katelyn here enters the audition room, proving yet again that the British have no souls. She can sing okay so she makes it to Hollywood whilst setting the bar for Chicago success markedly low.
Your parents are getting a divorce? That's your sob story? Please. That is easily the sorriest attempt at soliciting sympathy unleashed upon America thus far. Despite the producers trying to paint the situation as a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, Simon immediately makes light of it when Katelyn here enters the audition room, proving yet again that the British have no souls. She can sing okay so she makes it to Hollywood whilst setting the bar for Chicago success markedly low.
Float like a butterfly, sting like some big ol' titties.
Here we have the spectacularly deluded Amy Lang who looks to me like that ugly chick from Glee if she had eaten the rest of the Show Choir. She starts her performance by doing a sort of prat-faint that scares the judges and nearly brings the building down, only to spring up and launch into a cartoonish version of Dr. Feelgood (no, not the one by Motley Crue. Unfortunately.) Her tits end up being more talented than her as she shows off a move which she calls the "boob flex", Kara dubs "boob boxing" and I refer to as "the next great thing in fatty porn". She does get some bonus points for freaking out Seacrest by way of describing to him his starring role in her "first celebrity sex dream". Yikes.
Here we have the spectacularly deluded Amy Lang who looks to me like that ugly chick from Glee if she had eaten the rest of the Show Choir. She starts her performance by doing a sort of prat-faint that scares the judges and nearly brings the building down, only to spring up and launch into a cartoonish version of Dr. Feelgood (no, not the one by Motley Crue. Unfortunately.) Her tits end up being more talented than her as she shows off a move which she calls the "boob flex", Kara dubs "boob boxing" and I refer to as "the next great thing in fatty porn". She does get some bonus points for freaking out Seacrest by way of describing to him his starring role in her "first celebrity sex dream". Yikes.
If you promise not to cross the streams I'll sing Swanee!
Behold! Gozer the Destructor! He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. Evidently someone at the Idol auditions chose the form of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in black face! That's way scarier (not to mention more hilariously racist) than a giant Slor, believe you me. Instead of the usual wanton destruction and inevitable apocalypse though, Gozer seems intent on singing in a silly falsetto and sending Simon and Randy into hysterics. I guess no crossing of the streams will be necessary. Better luck next millennium, Gozerian!
Behold! Gozer the Destructor! He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. Evidently someone at the Idol auditions chose the form of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in black face! That's way scarier (not to mention more hilariously racist) than a giant Slor, believe you me. Instead of the usual wanton destruction and inevitable apocalypse though, Gozer seems intent on singing in a silly falsetto and sending Simon and Randy into hysterics. I guess no crossing of the streams will be necessary. Better luck next millennium, Gozerian!
This is my rifle, this is my gun...
This guy, one Brian Krause (not to be confused with the impossibly dashing movie star of the same name), is seriously reminiscent of Vince Denofrio's character in Full Metal Jacket. I was half-expecting Simon to abrasively inquire about the nature of his "major malfunction", leading to a tragic murder/suicide via well-smuggled sniper rifle right there in the audition room. Unfortunately this did not occur. What did occur, you may ask? He sang Tiny Tim's timeless classic Tip-Tow Through The Tulips and managed, against all odds, to make it creepier than the original. Nice try, Private Pyle.
This guy, one Brian Krause (not to be confused with the impossibly dashing movie star of the same name), is seriously reminiscent of Vince Denofrio's character in Full Metal Jacket. I was half-expecting Simon to abrasively inquire about the nature of his "major malfunction", leading to a tragic murder/suicide via well-smuggled sniper rifle right there in the audition room. Unfortunately this did not occur. What did occur, you may ask? He sang Tiny Tim's timeless classic Tip-Tow Through The Tulips and managed, against all odds, to make it creepier than the original. Nice try, Private Pyle.
No steak for you!!!
This is Harold Davis. He wants very badly to be a star. Mostly, it seems, to improve his diet. He is heard to remark "I'm tired of eatin' microwave dinners. I wanna eat steak!". After his talentless yet strangely unfunny performance, I think we can all agree that Harold is gonna be stopping by the Pick n' Save on his way home from the audition and heading straight to the frozen foods isle.
This is Harold Davis. He wants very badly to be a star. Mostly, it seems, to improve his diet. He is heard to remark "I'm tired of eatin' microwave dinners. I wanna eat steak!". After his talentless yet strangely unfunny performance, I think we can all agree that Harold is gonna be stopping by the Pick n' Save on his way home from the audition and heading straight to the frozen foods isle.
Idol Assassin
Doesn't this dude look like he should be the villain in a kung fu movie? Like Simon killed his brother and after years of training he has infiltrated Idol, posing as a singer, with deadly intent. How awesome would it be if he made it all the way to the finals and just as Seacrest was announcing the winner, dude buries a shuriken smack dab in Cowell's windpipe, throws a smoke bomb and disappears without a trace - leaving Kodak Theater security, the Fox brass and the American viewing public scratching their collective head? Pretty fucking awesome. Oh, dude's name is John Park and he can sing pretty okay. He makes it to Hell week. Revenge is as good as his.
See what I mean? This weeks episode was seven shades of boring. Hopefully tonight's trip to the Sunshine State will prove more fruitful. Speaking of fruit, I will leave you with an image straight from the troubled wet dreams of Amy Lang...
Doesn't this dude look like he should be the villain in a kung fu movie? Like Simon killed his brother and after years of training he has infiltrated Idol, posing as a singer, with deadly intent. How awesome would it be if he made it all the way to the finals and just as Seacrest was announcing the winner, dude buries a shuriken smack dab in Cowell's windpipe, throws a smoke bomb and disappears without a trace - leaving Kodak Theater security, the Fox brass and the American viewing public scratching their collective head? Pretty fucking awesome. Oh, dude's name is John Park and he can sing pretty okay. He makes it to Hell week. Revenge is as good as his.
See what I mean? This weeks episode was seven shades of boring. Hopefully tonight's trip to the Sunshine State will prove more fruitful. Speaking of fruit, I will leave you with an image straight from the troubled wet dreams of Amy Lang...
oh, Seacrest! Your homoerotic cavorting has got me all a-twitter!
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